Dolly Wolly
(?)Community Member
- Posted: Wed, 19 Nov 2014 02:18:50 +0000
I know this is partially lengthy but I decided to write this on the internet for me. Yes in the past I've done it in a wrong way, but I think now I should really do it to help myself, rather than harm others. But that's another story. You don't have to read if you don't want to, but if you want to I sincerely appreciate it. Thank you.
emotion_bigheart
For years I have been burdened with anxiety, PTSD, slight bipolar disorder, and depression, but I taught myself to cope with it by myself. I never wanted anyone to know I had any mental issues until recently. And now that I have, they have become less easier to deal with. I don't know for sure why, but I think it's because I have kept it inside of me for so long, that in revealing "myself" I just 'tipped the bucket' that is my inner unkempt emotions.
So for the past weeks or so my anxiety has decided to blow over and show itself full force.
The stupid thing about it is, that I suspect it was triggered by something my mind decided to "make up." When I say make up: I mean I suspect that I create these images, scenes and conversations in my head myself because of my welled up emotions, and sometimes I actually believe that these things I make up happen. At least that's what I've been told, and what I'm beginning to believe (even though I don't want to).
Though as of recently, there are literal voices in my head, and seemingly around me that basically tell me all the wrong things about me- the things that happened to me because of me- every day. Especially the things that caused me to have PTSD in the first place. I consider these voices that I guess I created to be my "demons."
They constantly remind me of awful things like my rape, my body and how disgusting it is, how stupid I am, how I'm going to become a no one, etc., etc.
It has grown worse and worse for the past few days. I am also losing the energy to fight back when it tells me to cut myself, or go die.
I even would cry uncontrollably because of it, and all I would do is get verbally abused by these voices.
So tonight, on November 18th, after a full day of pessimism; a little after trying to talk to my cousin about my emotions I caught a really bad anxiety attack. The 2nd worst one.
The voices were like screaming at me about how I don't deserve anything, how I shouldn't get anything and how much of a dirty disgusting whore I am, and I began shivering and crying like crazy. It was overall really traumatizing and honestly I would very much like to be held right now. But alas, I can't, because I have no one that can hold me. Or anyone I want to hold me with me right now, anyway.
For those of you that go by "TL;DR"
I don't know what's wrong with me specifically, but I would really like to find out what. If you know, do tell. Any feedback is much appreciated and thank you so much for taking the time to stop by emotion_kirakira
emotion_bigheart
For years I have been burdened with anxiety, PTSD, slight bipolar disorder, and depression, but I taught myself to cope with it by myself. I never wanted anyone to know I had any mental issues until recently. And now that I have, they have become less easier to deal with. I don't know for sure why, but I think it's because I have kept it inside of me for so long, that in revealing "myself" I just 'tipped the bucket' that is my inner unkempt emotions.
So for the past weeks or so my anxiety has decided to blow over and show itself full force.
The stupid thing about it is, that I suspect it was triggered by something my mind decided to "make up." When I say make up: I mean I suspect that I create these images, scenes and conversations in my head myself because of my welled up emotions, and sometimes I actually believe that these things I make up happen. At least that's what I've been told, and what I'm beginning to believe (even though I don't want to).
Though as of recently, there are literal voices in my head, and seemingly around me that basically tell me all the wrong things about me- the things that happened to me because of me- every day. Especially the things that caused me to have PTSD in the first place. I consider these voices that I guess I created to be my "demons."
They constantly remind me of awful things like my rape, my body and how disgusting it is, how stupid I am, how I'm going to become a no one, etc., etc.
It has grown worse and worse for the past few days. I am also losing the energy to fight back when it tells me to cut myself, or go die.
I even would cry uncontrollably because of it, and all I would do is get verbally abused by these voices.
So tonight, on November 18th, after a full day of pessimism; a little after trying to talk to my cousin about my emotions I caught a really bad anxiety attack. The 2nd worst one.
The voices were like screaming at me about how I don't deserve anything, how I shouldn't get anything and how much of a dirty disgusting whore I am, and I began shivering and crying like crazy. It was overall really traumatizing and honestly I would very much like to be held right now. But alas, I can't, because I have no one that can hold me. Or anyone I want to hold me with me right now, anyway.
For those of you that go by "TL;DR"
I have really bad PTSD, anxiety, slight bipolar disorder and bad depression.
I have voices that constantly remind me of awful things like my rape, my body and how disgusting it is, how stupid I am, how I'm going to become a no one, etc., etc.
It has grown worse and worse for the past few days. I am also losing the energy to fight back when it tells me to cut myself, or go die.
So tonight, on November 18th, after a full day of pessimism; a little after trying to talk to my cousin about my emotions I caught a really bad anxiety attack. The 2nd worst one. Why; I have no ******** idea to be honest.
The voices were like screaming at me about a number of foul things and I began shivering and crying like crazy. It was overall really traumatizing and honestly I would very much like to be held right now. But alas, I can't, because I have no one that can hold me. Or anyone I want to hold me with me right now, anyway. WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME, I wonder??!
I have voices that constantly remind me of awful things like my rape, my body and how disgusting it is, how stupid I am, how I'm going to become a no one, etc., etc.
It has grown worse and worse for the past few days. I am also losing the energy to fight back when it tells me to cut myself, or go die.
So tonight, on November 18th, after a full day of pessimism; a little after trying to talk to my cousin about my emotions I caught a really bad anxiety attack. The 2nd worst one. Why; I have no ******** idea to be honest.
The voices were like screaming at me about a number of foul things and I began shivering and crying like crazy. It was overall really traumatizing and honestly I would very much like to be held right now. But alas, I can't, because I have no one that can hold me. Or anyone I want to hold me with me right now, anyway. WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME, I wonder??!
I don't know what's wrong with me specifically, but I would really like to find out what. If you know, do tell. Any feedback is much appreciated and thank you so much for taking the time to stop by emotion_kirakira