Anxiety & More... [Vent+looking 4 opinions/support]

[Dolly Wolly]

I know this is partially lengthy but I decided to write this on the internet for me. Yes in the past I've done it in a wrong way, but I think now I should really do it to help myself, rather than harm others. But that's another story. You don't have to read if you don't want to, but if you want to I sincerely appreciate it. Thank you.
emotion_bigheart

For years I have been burdened with anxiety, PTSD, slight bipolar disorder, and depression, but I taught myself to cope with it by myself. I never wanted anyone to know I had any mental issues until recently. And now that I have, they have become less easier to deal with. I don't know for sure why, but I think it's because I have kept it inside of me for so long, that in revealing "myself" I just 'tipped the bucket' that is my inner unkempt emotions.

So for the past weeks or so my anxiety has decided to blow over and show itself full force.

The stupid thing about it is, that I suspect it was triggered by something my mind decided to "make up." When I say make up: I mean I suspect that I create these images, scenes and conversations in my head myself because of my welled up emotions, and sometimes I actually believe that these things I make up happen. At least that's what I've been told, and what I'm beginning to believe (even though I don't want to).
Though as of recently, there are literal voices in my head, and seemingly around me that basically tell me all the wrong things about me- the things that happened to me because of me- every day. Especially the things that caused me to have PTSD in the first place. I consider these voices that I guess I created to be my "demons."

They constantly remind me of awful things like my rape, my body and how disgusting it is, how stupid I am, how I'm going to become a no one, etc., etc.
It has grown worse and worse for the past few days. I am also losing the energy to fight back when it tells me to cut myself, or go die.
I even would cry uncontrollably because of it, and all I would do is get verbally abused by these voices.

So tonight, on November 18th, after a full day of pessimism; a little after trying to talk to my cousin about my emotions I caught a really bad anxiety attack. The 2nd worst one.

The voices were like screaming at me about how I don't deserve anything, how I shouldn't get anything and how much of a dirty disgusting whore I am, and I began shivering and crying like crazy. It was overall really traumatizing and honestly I would very much like to be held right now. But alas, I can't, because I have no one that can hold me. Or anyone I want to hold me with me right now, anyway.

For those of you that go by "TL;DR"

I have really bad PTSD, anxiety, slight bipolar disorder and bad depression.
I have voices that constantly remind me of awful things like my rape, my body and how disgusting it is, how stupid I am, how I'm going to become a no one, etc., etc.
It has grown worse and worse for the past few days. I am also losing the energy to fight back when it tells me to cut myself, or go die.
So tonight, on November 18th, after a full day of pessimism; a little after trying to talk to my cousin about my emotions I caught a really bad anxiety attack. The 2nd worst one. Why; I have no ******** idea to be honest.
The voices were like screaming at me about a number of foul things and I began shivering and crying like crazy. It was overall really traumatizing and honestly I would very much like to be held right now. But alas, I can't, because I have no one that can hold me. Or anyone I want to hold me with me right now, anyway. WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME, I wonder??!

I don't know what's wrong with me specifically, but I would really like to find out what. If you know, do tell. Any feedback is much appreciated and thank you so much for taking the time to stop by emotion_kirakira

[NocturnalVeil]

It seems like you do know what is wrong with you, but these are diffcult problems to fight, and there will always be times when it's extra tough. If it's been worse the past weeks, it's actually possible that you're suffering from winter depressions on top of this. People are sensitive to light changes, some more than others, and there's less light during winter. (Unless you live on the south part of the globe)
It wont make things easier, but knowing that you're feeling much worse because of the season might help you endure. There are also ways to treat yourself to more light, it wont help with the panic or dark thoughts, but anything that makes you feel better could make it easier to handle.

[SOB GOBLlN]

you already seem to have a good idea on whats "wrong" with you
that being said, i dont think the way youre reacting to things is wrong, in fact i think its completely normal given the circumstances you stated
my advice is to seek professional help
stay strong and remember you are loved

[Dolly Wolly]

NocturnalVeil

It seems like you do know what is wrong with you, but these are diffcult problems to fight, and there will always be times when it's extra tough. If it's been worse the past weeks, it's actually possible that you're suffering from winter depressions on top of this. People are sensitive to light changes, some more than others, and there's less light during winter. (Unless you live on the south part of the globe)
It wont make things easier, but knowing that you're feeling much worse because of the season might help you endure. There are also ways to treat yourself to more light, it wont help with the panic or dark thoughts, but anything that makes you feel better could make it easier to handle.

I suspected as much. I will definitely try to work with that.
I live in NY, so it does get dark pretty fast in the winter. The darkness is something that generally reminds me of loneliness, which is definitely one of my all time fears.
So maybe that doesn't help that it gets darker faster.
It may be irrational, given that I live with people and am almost never alone, but I still feel really crummy about it, and I still feel alone with people around me.
I wish I could just be "normal," dare I say.

[Dolly Wolly]

ouija bored

you already seem to have a good idea on whats "wrong" with you
that being said, i dont think the way youre reacting to things is wrong, in fact i think its completely normal given the circumstances you stated
my advice is to seek professional help
stay strong and remember you are loved

This is what I've been trying to get for a long while now, and hopefully I can get as much soon.
When I spoke to my cousin, he told me that I'm letting these emotions control my life, and that I should do what I want in life instead of letting what I don't intentionally feel stop me. Though, he believes that everything I feel is evidently "intentional"
What do you think about that?

[SOB GOBLlN]

Dolly Wolly

ouija bored

you already seem to have a good idea on whats "wrong" with you
that being said, i dont think the way youre reacting to things is wrong, in fact i think its completely normal given the circumstances you stated
my advice is to seek professional help
stay strong and remember you are loved

This is what I've been trying to get for a long while now, and hopefully I can get as much soon.
When I spoke to my cousin, he told me that I'm letting these emotions control my life, and that I should do what I want in life instead of letting what I don't intentionally feel stop me. Though, he believes that everything I feel is evidently "intentional"
What do you think about that?

i agree that its a good thing to let emotions go, but that isnt always possible right away
i believe it comes with time and effort

i definitely dont think you are doing and feeling these things intentionally though

[defloweredmind]

I very much feel what you are going through even though your emotions are going to be unique and different in many aspects. You will find that admitting your flaws or struggles in going to very emotional. I've gone through many of these moments and will continue to have them throughout my life as a work on myself. I found going through behavioral therapy to be very emotional. When you are learning about behaviors and relating to so many of them you will feel so messed up. You are going to wonder how you've got this far and what will you do to continue going forward. You are at the beginning. You are admitting that this is an issue and needs to be dealt with. I don't know how old you are or what you life situation is but it would be ideal if you started some therapy and saw a doctor. I agree with the other poster that it doesn't seem unnatural that you had/are having anxiety attacks based on the extreme amount of judgments you are dealing with on a daily basis. There are coping skills you can learn to help alleviate some of your suffering and the more coping skills you have to use the more prepared you are going to be in these times of crisis. Whatever happens remind that the labels don't matter. Maybe you are or are not bipolar and maybe there is something else going on. Some doctors will give different diagnosis but remember that many mental disorders and personality disorders have alot of the same symptoms. I'm glad to hear that you haven't resorted to the voices to harming yourself. You sound very strong and have alot of potential to succeed. Unfortunately, we are not professionals and cannot give you all the direction you need. It sounds like you are already aware of some of your judgments which is a good start. I am also working on judgments right now. An exercise may therapist and I are working on is identifying judgments throughout the day, making a list and then writing down the FACTS about the judgments. This way you can start thinking about the judgments more rationally when they come on. You will always have judgments but being able to look at the facts quicker will help make your moods less intense. I have been in dialectal behavior therapy for two years now. I have made alot of progress and I still have more to make. I used to have extreme black and white thinking, constant suicidal thoughts and issues with anger. I've really progress with the help of this therapy. There are all kinds of therapy out there. It really does take alot of mental effort to change these thoughts patterns but the help is out there. You deserve the help. Seek it out the best you can. I can't really give advice on that because I don't know your situation. However, if you do ever feel like hurting yourself or you are having a serious anxiety attack/they become more frequent it might be a good idea to check into a hospital. I know that sounds scary but you can get help there. It may be the start of a journey to becoming better. Good luck. Let me know if there is anything else we can talk about or what you situation is so I can give better advice about how to get the help you need.

[cisslinger]

i also have PTSD high anxiety and depression and i found what helped me the most is having a close circle of friends i can turn to when things get bad . i also got a job and picked up a few hobbies , partly as a distraction and partly because it made my feeling of self-worth increase a ton

another thing i did was explore my identity since my PTSD gave me serious identity issues and im still unsure why tbh , but the exploration has been enlightening and fun

final bit of advice : if you can , seek professional help from a therapist or a psychiatrist . but if you dont have the money for it dont worry too much about it . there are sites where you can talk to professionals online even if its just to vent , and sites where you can type anything youre feeling out and watch it disappear

sorry if im not much help ; its hard to share advice when i struggle with a lot of the same issues . but i wish you the best , and my inbox is open if you ever need help

[Dolly Wolly]

defloweredmind

I very much feel what you are going through even though your emotions are going to be unique and different in many aspects. You will find that admitting your flaws or struggles in going to very emotional. I've gone through many of these moments and will continue to have them throughout my life as a work on myself. I found going through behavioral therapy to be very emotional. When you are learning about behaviors and relating to so many of them you will feel so messed up. You are going to wonder how you've got this far and what will you do to continue going forward. You are at the beginning. You are admitting that this is an issue and needs to be dealt with. I don't know how old you are or what you life situation is but it would be ideal if you started some therapy and saw a doctor. I agree with the other poster that it doesn't seem unnatural that you had/are having anxiety attacks based on the extreme amount of judgments you are dealing with on a daily basis. There are coping skills you can learn to help alleviate some of your suffering and the more coping skills you have to use the more prepared you are going to be in these times of crisis. Whatever happens remind that the labels don't matter. Maybe you are or are not bipolar and maybe there is something else going on. Some doctors will give different diagnosis but remember that many mental disorders and personality disorders have alot of the same symptoms. I'm glad to hear that you haven't resorted to the voices to harming yourself. You sound very strong and have alot of potential to succeed. Unfortunately, we are not professionals and cannot give you all the direction you need. It sounds like you are already aware of some of your judgments which is a good start. I am also working on judgments right now. An exercise may therapist and I are working on is identifying judgments throughout the day, making a list and then writing down the FACTS about the judgments. This way you can start thinking about the judgments more rationally when they come on. You will always have judgments but being able to look at the facts quicker will help make your moods less intense. I have been in dialectal behavior therapy for two years now. I have made alot of progress and I still have more to make. I used to have extreme black and white thinking, constant suicidal thoughts and issues with anger. I've really progress with the help of this therapy. There are all kinds of therapy out there. It really does take alot of mental effort to change these thoughts patterns but the help is out there. You deserve the help. Seek it out the best you can. I can't really give advice on that because I don't know your situation. However, if you do ever feel like hurting yourself or you are having a serious anxiety attack/they become more frequent it might be a good idea to check into a hospital. I know that sounds scary but you can get help there. It may be the start of a journey to becoming better. Good luck. Let me know if there is anything else we can talk about or what you situation is so I can give better advice about how to get the help you need.

Thank you for this. heart I sincerely appreciate it because for so long I've been dealing with these issues and it just makes me feel like I am no longer alone when I read other people's situations. Being all alone is one of my biggest fears but to know I'm not, is very supportive to me. Though I guess confronting and working for a change- however far it may be- would really help me become happier as a person. Something I find is that I need the support and someone there to push me all the time. Yeah, I say I'm going to do it for sure, but a lot of the time I go against myself.

-> That sounds like a really good technique and whenever I get the "demons" I will write about them.
Coping skills are something I'm learning and teaching myself to use for these moments. Though I think that seeking professional help after its gotten so aggressive is something I must do for the first step to mental neutrality. Yes, I may still have these issues but at least then I would be "OK" so to speak.

-> Also, one of the things I believe I have from further research is "self-defeating personality disorder," or masochistic personality disorder.
I suspect it's the severe depression that has led me to be this way, but I'm not 100% sure yet. What do you think based on my issues in OP?
I am 19, live in an urban area and constantly struggle with money, generally...

[Dolly Wolly]

ouija bored

Dolly Wolly

ouija bored

you already seem to have a good idea on whats "wrong" with you
that being said, i dont think the way youre reacting to things is wrong, in fact i think its completely normal given the circumstances you stated
my advice is to seek professional help
stay strong and remember you are loved

This is what I've been trying to get for a long while now, and hopefully I can get as much soon.
When I spoke to my cousin, he told me that I'm letting these emotions control my life, and that I should do what I want in life instead of letting what I don't intentionally feel stop me. Though, he believes that everything I feel is evidently "intentional"
What do you think about that?

i agree that its a good thing to let emotions go, but that isnt always possible right away
i believe it comes with time and effort

i definitely dont think you are doing and feeling these things intentionally though

Yeah, I agree.

And.. I really wouldn't know tbh :/

[Dolly Wolly]

cisslinger

i also have PTSD high anxiety and depression and i found what helped me the most is having a close circle of friends i can turn to when things get bad . i also got a job and picked up a few hobbies , partly as a distraction and partly because it made my feeling of self-worth increase a ton

another thing i did was explore my identity since my PTSD gave me serious identity issues and im still unsure why tbh , but the exploration has been enlightening and fun

final bit of advice : if you can , seek professional help from a therapist or a psychiatrist . but if you dont have the money for it dont worry too much about it . there are sites where you can talk to professionals online even if its just to vent , and sites where you can type anything youre feeling out and watch it disappear

sorry if im not much help ; its hard to share advice when i struggle with a lot of the same issues . but i wish you the best , and my inbox is open if you ever need help

If I wasn't so socially awkward, I definitely would make that happen. But the idea to get hobbies and a job sounds right to do, and I think I could do it.

Seeking professional help is something I'm for sure going to work on more, so I can learn new coping skills and become a "better" person as a whole.

Trust me, your feedback is a TON of help, and I really appreciate it. emotion_bigheart emotion_c8

I hope it won't be a bother, but may I add you? I only have one person who can relate to my issues, and I think he's sick of my complaining already. You can vent to me as well.~

[cisslinger]

Dolly Wolly

cisslinger

i also have PTSD high anxiety and depression and i found what helped me the most is having a close circle of friends i can turn to when things get bad . i also got a job and picked up a few hobbies , partly as a distraction and partly because it made my feeling of self-worth increase a ton

another thing i did was explore my identity since my PTSD gave me serious identity issues and im still unsure why tbh , but the exploration has been enlightening and fun

final bit of advice : if you can , seek professional help from a therapist or a psychiatrist . but if you dont have the money for it dont worry too much about it . there are sites where you can talk to professionals online even if its just to vent , and sites where you can type anything youre feeling out and watch it disappear

sorry if im not much help ; its hard to share advice when i struggle with a lot of the same issues . but i wish you the best , and my inbox is open if you ever need help

If I wasn't so socially awkward, I definitely would make that happen. But the idea to get hobbies and a job sounds right to do, and I think I could do it.

Seeking professional help is something I'm for sure going to work on more, so I can learn new coping skills and become a "better" person as a whole.

Trust me, your feedback is a TON of help, and I really appreciate it. emotion_bigheart emotion_c8

I hope it won't be a bother, but may I add you? I only have one person who can relate to my issues, and I think he's sick of my complaining already. You can vent to me as well.~

not a problem , and absolutely you can add me (sorry for the late response , i was at work) .
cat_3nodding

[Dolly Wolly]

cisslinger

Dolly Wolly

cisslinger

i also have PTSD high anxiety and depression and i found what helped me the most is having a close circle of friends i can turn to when things get bad . i also got a job and picked up a few hobbies , partly as a distraction and partly because it made my feeling of self-worth increase a ton

another thing i did was explore my identity since my PTSD gave me serious identity issues and im still unsure why tbh , but the exploration has been enlightening and fun

final bit of advice : if you can , seek professional help from a therapist or a psychiatrist . but if you dont have the money for it dont worry too much about it . there are sites where you can talk to professionals online even if its just to vent , and sites where you can type anything youre feeling out and watch it disappear

sorry if im not much help ; its hard to share advice when i struggle with a lot of the same issues . but i wish you the best , and my inbox is open if you ever need help

If I wasn't so socially awkward, I definitely would make that happen. But the idea to get hobbies and a job sounds right to do, and I think I could do it.

Seeking professional help is something I'm for sure going to work on more, so I can learn new coping skills and become a "better" person as a whole.

Trust me, your feedback is a TON of help, and I really appreciate it. emotion_bigheart emotion_c8

I hope it won't be a bother, but may I add you? I only have one person who can relate to my issues, and I think he's sick of my complaining already. You can vent to me as well.~

not a problem , and absolutely you can add me (sorry for the late response , i was at work) .
cat_3nodding

yay ^^
I'll ad you, then

[SafetyPoncho]

I can be suicidal, have PTSD, panic disorder, and OCD. I might be able to actually help you out a little.

With PTSD, sometimes comes hallucinations, flashbacks, etc. For instance, I hallucinate bugs, even when I am not triggered. With trauma and isolation, the brain likes to hallucinate. When I go into a panic attack, I hear my mother's voice, repeating things she used to say to me when she was young. I used to hear her all the time, but now that I have worked myself out of a constant state of fight or flight, I only hear her when I am in panic (or basically back in that fight or flight survival state of mind). The best way to fix this? Acknowledge it. Do not fight it. It is part of you, and that is okay. Every feeling you have is valid. Accept it. Now breathe. The best way to get out of fight or flight is to trigger your parasympathetic nervous system. By breathing in all the way and filling your diaphragm, and then releasing the exhale slowly, you trigger it chemically.

Every time you feel anything negative, acknowledge it. Let it know that you're cool with it being there, give it space, welcome it. It is part of you. Feeling sad or angry is normal, not necessarily bad. I have a little ball that I play with when I feel panicky so I can make my internal feeling into something you can hold and touch and play with. I now took that negative feeling of panic, and made it into something I play with. I made it welcome in my life. Who doesn't love a little bouncy ball that glows colors when you bounce it?

Also with these negative thoughts, start making 'challenge thoughts'. One of the things that caused me panic was thinking I was a burden and a problem and I just weighed everyone down. Every time I catch myself having that thought, I think instead 'Go easy on yourself. You are independent and responsible.' Eventually your mind won't think about being a burden anymore, because you are literally replacing those thoughts with the newer positive ones. With PTSD comes a lot of needing to rewire your brain. It is time to make new neural pathways, and strengthen them, and let the negative ones dissipate.

When you feel an anxiety attack coming on, the best way to come out of it is to ground yourself. Feel the ground beneath your feet, or your back on the chair, just feel it all supporting you. I also like to play a game if I am with friends or at work called the letter game. It's actually a grounding technique. Basically you pick a category, let's say animals. I'll go first and say 'sloth', now the next person has to give an animal that starts with the last letter I gave them, so they have an 'h'. If they say 'hawk', the next person has a 'k'.

I suggest seeing a therapist. I used to think I could handle it on my own, I could look things up online and learn on my own. But all the things I listed above I learned at therapy. And it took a long time of me going and have her guide me through it all for it to start to really work. I'm also on a lot of medication for now. I would have never learned those things without the medication, trust me, we need the crutch. When you're stuck in fight or flight response, the things you try to learn? They just do not stick. That way of living just keeps you alive, it absorbs little knowledge. It ended up putting me in a mental hospital for a while. Once you're stable off of medication you can start to learn how to take care of yourself, and how to do what the medicine does. And eventually work yourself free of the medication. But only when you're ready. I do not know what your trauma was, mine was an abusive parent. When a trauma happens that young, the brain does not develop correctly, and the only way to try to catch up is with therapy.

Feel free to contact me whenever. I have a friend with bipolar, and she is like the only one who gets me and what I'm going through, and I her. It is nice to have a support system of friends, and I have a lot of friends who try to support me, but it is just so much more fulfilling when you have someone who understands too.

[defloweredmind]

Dolly Wolly

I'm glad that my experiences have brought you comfort. I'm thankful to be making progress in my adult life and want to encourage others.
I think you may def be struggling with PTSD and depression from what you said. Even though you think your post is long it was actually very short if anyone were to get a glimpse into what's really going on with you. I don't really spend alot of time looking at the different disorders out there but mostly have focused on looking into the ones doctors have labeled me with. I could see the self-defeating one as being relevant. As far as bipolar disorder goes there isn't really a "slight" version of it. I can see why you relate to some of the symptoms of bipolar, though. With bipolar you will experience manic episodes as well. Behavior tends to be reckless and hyper/up for extended periods of time. Sometimes you may have hallucinations. I've also been labeled with borderline personality disorder which is difficulty regulating emotions and some other stuff. If you aren't experiencing alot of black and white thinking I'm not sure you would fall under that either. It could just be the PTSD and depression that you are dealing with. Again, a doctor would be better able to help you when it comes to symptoms. If you are lower income and an adult there might be help for you out there. However, some of the institutions have "strict" qualifying assessments in order to be eligible for help from these state funded programs. This is why I recommend checking into a hospital because they often are more in touch with these programs and being checked into the hospital means that your issues are severe enough to need immediate attention. You can also look into the department of mental health for your state and see if you can find some leads through contacting different resources.