Anxiety & More... [Vent+looking 4 opinions/support]

[Dolly Wolly]

PyroPoncho

-> I will definitely try the breathe in-and-out technique. It seems helpful. The "accepting it" thing is something I've been working on for a very long time now. It's just difficult for me, because I feel that in accepting it, I only get worse.

-> Referring to the "challenge thoughts", there is a teeny, tiny happy voice in my mind sometimes, though. I refer to him as "Hoppy", and he would tell me one in a blue how I'm so smart, how he's there for me, how I can be someone if I try.
But it's like my "demons" just overpower him, and speak loudly over his encouragement. That's the only way I can describe it, I guess.

-> Therapy is definitely something that I think I need as soon as possible, because I don't think I can do all that you've said without help. It makes me feel powerless, but after so long, I think I am at this point. I also used to think that I was so strong, and everything I felt was nothing I couldn't overcome. Though before I didn't really know specifically, anything wrong with me. I suppose now that I am aware of everything it just became more "real".
I really will aspire to be OK, and cope better, like you.
Thank you so much for this. heart You have no idea how happy inside it makes me feel to not feel alone with all my problems.
It really does feel better when you have other people with a deeper understanding of the true pain you feel, unlike (dare I say) "normal people."

[Dolly Wolly]

defloweredmind

Dolly Wolly

I'm glad that my experiences have brought you comfort. I'm thankful to be making progress in my adult life and want to encourage others.
I think you may def be struggling with PTSD and depression from what you said. Even though you think your post is long it was actually very short if anyone were to get a glimpse into what's really going on with you. I don't really spend alot of time looking at the different disorders out there but mostly have focused on looking into the ones doctors have labeled me with. I could see the self-defeating one as being relevant. As far as bipolar disorder goes there isn't really a "slight" version of it. I can see why you relate to some of the symptoms of bipolar, though. With bipolar you will experience manic episodes as well. Behavior tends to be reckless and hyper/up for extended periods of time. Sometimes you may have hallucinations. I've also been labeled with borderline personality disorder which is difficulty regulating emotions and some other stuff. If you aren't experiencing alot of black and white thinking I'm not sure you would fall under that either. It could just be the PTSD and depression that you are dealing with. Again, a doctor would be better able to help you when it comes to symptoms. If you are lower income and an adult there might be help for you out there. However, some of the institutions have "strict" qualifying assessments in order to be eligible for help from these state funded programs. This is why I recommend checking into a hospital because they often are more in touch with these programs and being checked into the hospital means that your issues are severe enough to need immediate attention. You can also look into the department of mental health for your state and see if you can find some leads through contacting different resources.

Thinking about it, it IS short compared to the ton of stuff that I do feel besides this. This was just a situation with a little insight that I wanted feedback on.
In general, I've been through a lot in my life that from holding it inside of me, I only made it worse and developed these problems.
Generally speaking, I've faced sexual assault, bullying, verbal abuse, and even physical abuse as a child.
Before I would just suck it up with a smile. But displays aren't always what they seem, are they? So in doing so, I guess over the years it only got worse. I say I have self-defeating personality disorder because after research on it, I seem to check off for pretty much ALL of the symptoms. It's what I've become since I've moved to NY (been here for about 8 years and counting), and I guess it's because of the life I was raised in as a child, where physical and verbal abuse to me because I was my step-father's step-daughter and not of his blood was common. I say I'm bipolar because of how easily angry I would be, and then a second later I'm OK. For example, I would be full of contempt against someone, and then a minute or so later I'd be full of sympathy and sorrow for the person. It's a problem I have, where I'm easily angry for no reason. That's why I think I may have that as well.
But then again, these are all kinds of labels to a good amount of problems with similar ways to identify them.

Thank you for your tips though, I definitely will get on that.