Polyamory 102: A Support Thread for Consensual Non-Monogamy

New Poll for...awesomeness!

Yay! Awesomeness!	60.0%	[ 357 ]
Yeah...awesome... [/sarcasm]	15.8%	[ 94 ]
[insert your own thoughts here]	24.2%	[ 144 ]
Total Votes:			[ 595 ]

[Pom Graines]

Meushi-chan

Well I've known both 'possibles' for awhile, and Girl A I am pretty good friends with, and has sort of mentioned what she finds hot about girls, but I am not sure of her orientation per se. Girl K I have known not as long, and not as well, but I know she is bisexual, Wicca, and open to alternative relationships in general? I find Girl A more attractive physically and just as a person, but I think Girl K might be more open.

I know that doesn't help much, I guess I just don't know how to bring it up. I am hanging out with Girl K this weekend at a friends house, and may sort of bring up her bisexuality and see if she wants to explore?

You can bring it up how you think is best, after all you know the people better than I do. Personally I would be more cautious at first and feel out the waters more, just because I know some people get offended when you ask if they'd like to participate in the threesome with you and your partner. It seems objectifying to some people, as though they're just a living sex toy to help enhance your relationship with your partner and are disposable. I would never see someone that way, but sometimes that's the impression people get from having sex with a couple. So I'd bring it up delicately, always keeping her feelings in mind (either A or K) and make sure that you portray this as a mutually beneficial thing and make sure to stick to that instead of just you want to use her to get the two of you off. Her pleasure, satisfaction and feelings should be valued just as much as the primary couple's and that's how you should make it feel when presenting it as well.

Shirabelle

Sorry if this doesn't belong, but I have no idea where else to ask it.. How does one meet women? :/ Without going to a bar or something. I live in a fairly small town in Connecticut and find it impossible to find any real bisexual females.. the ones I do find generally just look like porn stars (Bleach blonde, spray tans, huge fake boobs on a skinny twig of a frame, who wear next to nothing and go out partying every night.) and have no interest in an actual relationship.

I'm interested in poly, if that helps.
I'm currently in a relationship with my Master.. and I'm trying to explore my female interests, but it's proving to be ridiculously difficult. I just want to find a like-minded female who is open about sex and poly, but not to the point of ONLY wanting sex or looks like a prostitute. Is it that hard to find a cute gamer chick who's also poly, and bi? .__.

General question.. how the hell do you meet REAL gay girls?


- Owned by Master RH.

Yahoo Groups have always confused me and I've never had luck with them either unfortunately. Some people have found BDSM or swinger (or even poly) groups in their area by searching meetup.com to find munches and things like that. Otherwise google is your friend.

There are always poly conferences and events that you could see if there is one near you to attend. Events. They may not be geared specifically to finding someone for you, but it could at the very least be a source to meet some new people and start networking. Otherwise Loving More also has a list of Local groups and communities. Otherwise like Saew said, OKC is a dating site that's generally polyfriendly. There's also polymatchmaker.com to try out and I'm sure there are other BDSM sites that are geared towards dating, but that's not my scene so I don't know any links for you there.

Saew

.

Good to see you back, friend. smile

Blackrose_Knight

*de-lurks*

Currently reading Ethical Slut by Dossie (When I have time between my s**t-ton of reading for college)

I think I have found good girlfriend materiel. We really enjoy our friendship together, and would like to take things slow. So, no girly yet, but I think eventually, which I am totally okay with. I am good with waiting.

Are you liking the book so far? Is it the first or second edition?

That's good to hear. Hopefully things evolve smoothly because you're taking it slow. Good luck with it, sorry that I've taken too long in replying to you. I seem to have missed this post @.@

[Allergic Eraction]

Hey there!

So my boyfriend and I are looking at opening our relationship a bit into a polyamory thing [or at least considering if possibilities come up], and I'm just wondering what kinds of things you guys recommend discussing before taking things in that direction?

I went on a date last night with the girl-half of a couple we've been chatting with and now that we've taken a step I feel like it's a good idea to sit down and talk about our boundaries and feelings on different things.

If you're in a polyamorous situation I'd love to hear some of the things you recommend discussing before we move things along, that I might have missed.

Thanks!

[Pom Graines]

Allergic Eraction

Hey there!

So my boyfriend and I are looking at opening our relationship a bit into a polyamory thing [or at least considering if possibilities come up], and I'm just wondering what kinds of things you guys recommend discussing before taking things in that direction?

I went on a date last night with the girl-half of a couple we've been chatting with and now that we've taken a step I feel like it's a good idea to sit down and talk about our boundaries and feelings on different things.

If you're in a polyamorous situation I'd love to hear some of the things you recommend discussing before we move things along, that I might have missed.

Thanks!

A complete list of things to talk about is nearly impossible. There will likely always be some unexpected situation that would crop up that you didn't account for. But you just have to think about what you'd be comfortable with and try to think of situations that would makes you uncomfortable. You need to figure out how dating will work, will it be something you always to together (at least until the point where you have an established relationship with the other person/people) or will solo-dates be okay too? If you meet someone unexpectedly, how far will you be able to go without checking in with your partner (flirting, handing out phone numbers, making out)? What is you ideal configuration that you're striving for and are you open to other options? Would either of you be comfortable with some form of V, where one person is involved while the other is not? You should discuss where you stand on safer sex practices and what you would require of any hypothetical partner before things got sexual (are condoms enough or would you want recent test papers confirming their good health, would you take extra precautions beyond condoms (include things like wearing gloves when doing anything manual, added birth control). And while you're just starting, how would you feel about having kids and what would happen if your other partner accidentally got pregnant (this should obviously be discussed with the other partner as well when things get to that point, but it's not a bad idea to theorize with your current partner now). You also have to consider how "out" you will be with your relationship. Like I said before, there are so many things to think about it would be hard to pinpoint every situation. Though Opening Up by Tristan Taormino has a good list of things to consider, talk about with your partner and even just ask yourself before getting into things.

[Allergic Eraction]

Mameoyashi

Allergic Eraction

Hey there!

So my boyfriend and I are looking at opening our relationship a bit into a polyamory thing [or at least considering if possibilities come up], and I'm just wondering what kinds of things you guys recommend discussing before taking things in that direction?

I went on a date last night with the girl-half of a couple we've been chatting with and now that we've taken a step I feel like it's a good idea to sit down and talk about our boundaries and feelings on different things.

If you're in a polyamorous situation I'd love to hear some of the things you recommend discussing before we move things along, that I might have missed.

Thanks!

A complete list of things to talk about is nearly impossible. There will likely always be some unexpected situation that would crop up that you didn't account for. But you just have to think about what you'd be comfortable with and try to think of situations that would makes you uncomfortable. You need to figure out how dating will work, will it be something you always to together (at least until the point where you have an established relationship with the other person/people) or will solo-dates be okay too? If you meet someone unexpectedly, how far will you be able to go without checking in with your partner (flirting, handing out phone numbers, making out)? What is you ideal configuration that you're striving for and are you open to other options? Would either of you be comfortable with some form of V, where one person is involved while the other is not? You should discuss where you stand on safer sex practices and what you would require of any hypothetical partner before things got sexual (are condoms enough or would you want recent test papers confirming their good health, would you take extra precautions beyond condoms (include things like wearing gloves when doing anything manual, added birth control). And while you're just starting, how would you feel about having kids and what would happen if your other partner accidentally got pregnant (this should obviously be discussed with the other partner as well when things get to that point, but it's not a bad idea to theorize with your current partner now). You also have to consider how "out" you will be with your relationship. Like I said before, there are so many things to think about it would be hard to pinpoint every situation. Though Opening Up by Tristan Taormino has a good list of things to consider, talk about with your partner and even just ask yourself before getting into things.

This is definitely helpful, thanks a ton!

[Pom Graines]

Allergic Eraction

This is definitely helpful, thanks a ton!

My pleasure. There are a lot more things to consider too though. I know that sometimes me and my partner just play the "what if" game to think of various scenarios and then talk about how we'd feel in all of them. It can be pretty engaging and dare I say fun sometimes. Or maybe we're just weird like that, not sure. We've always done it though, for poly and other issues, and it works for us anyway.

[Pom Graines]

Sorry everyone. Just letting you all know that the thread is absolutely not dead and we're still completely open for business despite being a little slower with the postings. My life has been pretty hecktic since October and I honestly haven't had much in the way of poly-related things to share and do to help keep the thread bumped up and active. Graverg, unfortunately, is in the same boat with nothing much to report so I can't gush on anything he's up to these days either.

One thing I do want to know though, because I'm curious if it's just me in the thread here, but how many here feel a very strong sense of compersion with their partner(s)? (Compersion: essentially being happy that their partner is happy when the happiness comes from an outside source [like another partner]). I ask this mainly because lately I have been so wanting for Graverg to find another partner, while at the same time not really caring if I got one. While I would still be happy and accept having another partner in my life, I'm no longer actively search and my focus lately has been on Graverg and getting him another partner. Some others that I know and have told this to think that the level of compersion that I experience has been a bit 'much'. I wonder though if anyone else here feels that as strongly as I do? Or am I just a nut who likes sharing a little too much? XD

[Vahyla]

I can kind of identify with you on that one-- making those around me makes me a lot happier than making myself happy directly, for whatever reason.

So I don't really tend to care what I directly get, but am very sensitive to what those around me desire and need.

This was very much brought up during Christmas for me and I have had people complain in the past that they hate getting me presents because I don't seem to be as happy getting as when I give and it makes it 'weird' for them. ~_~

[Pom Graines]

Ah! So you too get the gift giving thing? Not just for romance or partners this compersion thing is, eh? I know that I always enjoy giving more than I enjoy getting. Though I've never seen people complain about it to me. At least not to my face... I think most of my friends just understand by now I like going all out for them around the holidays. Sometimes...sometimes too all out, but not this year! Too much going on and not enough income this year at least. I think one of my friends got me *more* than I got for her, which is an oddity to me XD Not that it matters the quantity or price tag. More just the thought of the giving is certainly more than enough :3

On another note: having to take care of a 9-10 week old puppy running around your apartment when you're sick as a dog (pun not intended) is a nightmate D: Sad thing is both me AND Graverg are sick. And while this may be a petty point in favour of poly and live-in partners at the moment I really wish we had another live-in partner just for the sake of being able to sleep instead of having to get up all the time to take care of the pup, haha. Then again, if we had another live-in partner there is nothing to say he/she wouldn't be just as sick as me and Graverg, so it's a coin toss. I don't know how three sick people and a puppy would fare anyway XD

[Esiris]

Nice thing to find in the new year- too bad I didn't know about it sooner. sweatdrop
Hi all. I thought I'd make a quick into since I'm new. Feel free to call me Riri for short. I've known I was poly pretty much since puberty. I'm bi, 3rd gendered and pagan- and pretty well closeted. As people get to know me they usually learn I'm pagan, bi, switch, poly and 3rd in that order because of where my comfort levels are.

All of my relationships have been poly- starting with my first one when I was still in Middle School. I was introduced to Poly as a concept because my friend's dad was a psychologist and believed it to be unhealthy for young people to be in mono relationships because it limits the scope of their dating experience. I think that's bull- but that's how I first encountered it as a concept.

My early experiences in poly were very unhealthy, largely fueled by my low self esteem and by my partners being abusive jerks. As I got older, I got healthier and my relationships reflected this.

To me there is nothing more attractive than a nice big sexy Brain. I get twitterpated easily and I allow myself that. If I think there is potential for a more grounded and deeply loving relationship- I keep my twitterpation to myself until I know if it's just attraction or if it's love.


My not so secret talent is that I'm an amazing cook. Feel free to ask me any questions.

Mameoyashi

One thing I do want to know though, because I'm curious if it's just me in the thread here, but how many here feel a very strong sense of compersion with their partner(s)? (Compersion: essentially being happy that their partner is happy when the happiness comes from an outside source [like another partner]). I ask this mainly because lately I have been so wanting for Graverg to find another partner, while at the same time not really caring if I got one. While I would still be happy and accept having another partner in my life, I'm no longer actively search and my focus lately has been on Graverg and getting him another partner. Some others that I know and have told this to think that the level of compersion that I experience has been a bit 'much'. I wonder though if anyone else here feels that as strongly as I do? Or am I just a nut who likes sharing a little too much? XD

Compersion is something I can understand- but just because of how my relationships have formed over the years, it's never really come up.

By the way- great thread!

[Highlighter Addict]

at first.. I thought this thread was for POLYGAMY

[Esiris]

Echo of Vanquish

at first.. I thought this thread was for POLYGAMY

Polygamy is a subset of Polyamoury- having many marriages, even if they aren't recognized by Law may work for some people. I know of a lovely polyfidelious triad that had a positively beautiful wedding and are quite happy.

[Highlighter Addict]

Esiris

Echo of Vanquish

at first.. I thought this thread was for POLYGAMY

Polygamy is a subset of Polyamoury- having many marriages, even if they aren't recognized by Law may work for some people. I know of a lovely polyfidelious triad that had a positively beautiful wedding and are quite happy.

ooooooh... I shouldn't have come here. I hate polygamy.. it just makes me feel like.. being cheated on. I'm so jealous and overprotective. You wouldn't believe how often I cry myself to sleep thinking that HE is cheating on me. oh well! sorrie fer bothering ya all. ((I guess, it's just a very personal thing)) ^o^" baibai

[Esiris]

Echo of Vanquish

Esiris

Echo of Vanquish

at first.. I thought this thread was for POLYGAMY

Polygamy is a subset of Polyamoury- having many marriages, even if they aren't recognized by Law may work for some people. I know of a lovely polyfidelious triad that had a positively beautiful wedding and are quite happy.

ooooooh... I shouldn't have come here. I hate polygamy.. it just makes me feel like.. being cheated on. I'm so jealous and overprotective. You wouldn't believe how often I cry myself to sleep thinking that HE is cheating on me. oh well! sorrie fer bothering ya all. ((I guess, it's just a very personal thing)) ^o^" baibai

Did you read the first page at all? confused

[Highlighter Addict]

Esiris

Echo of Vanquish

Esiris

Echo of Vanquish

at first.. I thought this thread was for POLYGAMY

Polygamy is a subset of Polyamoury- having many marriages, even if they aren't recognized by Law may work for some people. I know of a lovely polyfidelious triad that had a positively beautiful wedding and are quite happy.

ooooooh... I shouldn't have come here. I hate polygamy.. it just makes me feel like.. being cheated on. I'm so jealous and overprotective. You wouldn't believe how often I cry myself to sleep thinking that HE is cheating on me. oh well! sorrie fer bothering ya all. ((I guess, it's just a very personal thing)) ^o^" baibai

Did you read the first page at all? confused

I'ma signature whore XP I just see a signature, click, and post! ;D

[Esiris]

Echo of Vanquish

I'ma signature whore XP I just see a signature, click, and post! ;D

That's too bad. You missed the whole part of the thread that explained that Polyamoury is about consensual non-monogamy, which means that when done right- there's no cheating.
People who are poly get jealous too- we just handle it differently.

Honestly- if you're that concerned with him cheating and you're having that kind of reaction, I'll give you the same advice that I give my poly friends. Get some therapy. Being jealous is normal, but when it effects you like that- you need some help.

Hating polyamoury is a bit like hating people who are LGBT, or have a different color of skin. It's really not cool.