Wild Imagination: Finished. Link on first post.

When did you figure out what the story's really about?

Part 1	11.1%	[ 4 ]
Part 2	5.6%	[ 2 ]
Part 3	13.9%	[ 5 ]
Part 4	0.0%	[ 0 ]
Part 5	5.6%	[ 2 ]
2nd read through	2.8%	[ 1 ]
3rd read through	0.0%	[ 0 ]
>3rd read through	0.0%	[ 0 ]
I still don't know D:	47.2%	[ 17 ]
Knew it before I even read the script	13.9%	[ 5 ]
Total Votes:			[ 36 ]

[Emihaumut]

Read the comic here: http://emihaumut.com/comic.php?c=uploaded_images&v=wild&p=0
Thanks. smile

Hello CC. I feel like it's been a while since I've made a thread here for a comic. I'm still in the somewhat early stages, but I do have a script. This is a short comic (looking to be about 8 pages right now). I was hoping to get some feedback before I start storyboarding so that I won't have to make too drastic of changes. (That also means that some of the pacing and panelling is bound to change in the storyboards; so if there are panels with like 10 lines of dialogue, I'll probably break it up later.)

Here's the script: Go go google docs.
It's kind of a dark story with some weird messed up themes. I won't give anything away, but there's pretty much one overarching theme that connects everything. I'd like to know what you think the story is about at the end of each part (so I can tell if I'm too obvious of not). This was basically an exercise for myself to try to write a subtle story, but I don't think I've got the hang of it yet.

That said, I'm not the best of writers. I'm usually the illustrator in the group. Here, have some rough rough rough concept work for the characters. I'm finally learning how to draw white people in comics. And fat people.

http://emihaumut.com/uploaded_images/wild-concept-full1.png
I have no excuse to why the drawings are pretty mediocre (for now) other than I suck (and I should really be studying for finals instead of gaia'ing). I'll make empty promises later.

Please be gentle. I come from a place where asspats are handed out freely. I know that's pretty foreign in CC. And I know that's a good thing.

(And for anyone who might be looking at this from Catalytic Productions (cough cough chanted cough cough), yes I stole DD's name, but it works too well here in a way that probably only I will get.)

Edit: Storyboards are down here.

[Sera Michaelis]

I'll have to give it a second read-through before I can give proper feedback, but I just wanted to highlight this - "I walked into a doorknob." Would a teacher actually believe that? Even for a kid, that's a pretty bad lie. :v How can you walk into a doorknob in a way that bruises you like that, and exactly where are the bruises on DD? I mean, I guess if you said tripped and fell and hit the doorknob. Or tripped over a coffee table or something.

[Emihaumut]

Yeah. I was debating whether I want it to be super obvious lie or a believable one. I guess I should change that to a more believable one then.

[Sera Michaelis]

There's a chance I'm not "getting" some of the story, but is the neighbor hurting sissy? Something sexual?

[Emihaumut]

Yup.

Was it too obvious? The first person who I had read through it couldn't figure that out.

[Sera Michaelis]

I wouldn't say it's too obvious, I had to read it 2.5 times to be certain. But it's one of those things that Once You Read, You Cannot Unread. I mean that in a good way, as everything fit together after I understood it. Great script by the way.

[Emihaumut]

Thanks. :3 I'm glad it wasn't too obvious. 2.5 reads sounds pretty good to me, lol.

[Emihaumut]

Here's some more concept work.

I'm so bad at drawing profiles, bleh. sweatdrop

[eclectic rhapsody]

I guessed that something sexual was going on the first time I read the scene where bro kicked DD out of the room, and then pieced together that there was some bow chika wow wow going on with the neighbor the moment he invited Sissy to his house. However, the first scene out of these two I've mentioned still confuses me a bit. But I suppose that all will be revealed in time?

Script seems pretty solid so far..."I've a writing assignment to do," seems like a weird way for a little kid to put things, but that could be a regional thing.

[Emihaumut]

Mmmm, I think you're still about one step away from piecing everything together. Sera pretty much has the right idea. If by "revealed in time" you mean after a couple rereads, then yes, lol. (Hopefully.)

Hrmmmm, I guess I should talk to kids some more, lol. What would be a more natural way of saying it?

[enchantedsleeper]

Yeah, I suspected that something weird/sexual might be going on with the neighbour in the first read-through, especially after Sissy said, "You know everything I do is for you and Bro, right?" Not to mention the bit afterwards about showing DD how much she loved him. Then I read it again and the first scene made more sense because it follows the same pattern - Sissy says something weirdly sexual, Bro hits DD and kicks him out. But I still don't understand all of it, especially what the parents were fighting about in the penultimate scene. Do they know what's going on?

Also, here:

Quote:

[Dad is getting up off the couch.]

Dad: That boy of mine. Let me go talk to him.

[DD sits down next to Mom. They're both watching tv.]

Dad: DD, how do you feel about some ice cream?

There's no script direction that says that Dad's come back into the room, nor what his expression is as he does so.

Also, some of the dialogue does sound a bit 'grown-up', like when DD says, "My mind just kind of wanders a bit, and when it comes back, it doesn’t hurt." The vocabulary seems too sophisticated. Granted, I'm not 100% sure how old he's supposed to be (I can't figure out American school grades) but the rest of his dialogue sounds pretty young. It would be better for him to say something like, "I stop thinking about it, and then it doesn't hurt any more."

Emihaumut

(And for anyone who might be looking at this from Catalytic Productions (cough cough chanted cough cough), yes I stole DD's name, but it works too well here in a way that probably only I will get.)

I DEMAND ROYALTIES OF 1 MILLION GOLD FOR EVERY USAGE.

Nah, unless his real name actually is Dominic Domino then it doesn't really count, so it's fine.

[Emihaumut]

Mmmm, yes. The parents do know what's going on with Sissy and Bro and Sissy and the neighbor.

Oops, script direction fail.

I think DD comes out to about 10, but yeah, the dialogue does sound a bit grown up. I feel like with your version, it loses a certain feel to it. I'll see if I can't make it younger though. (Bleh, I really should stop writing stories with kids in them when I haven't talked to a little kid since I was one.)

[Emihaumut]

Here are some storyboards. I'd appreciate feedback on them, but they kind of suck to begin with. They're just to help me lay out where everything should be.

[eclectic rhapsody]

Emihaumut

Mmmm, I think you're still about one step away from piecing everything together. Sera pretty much has the right idea. If by "revealed in time" you mean after a couple rereads, then yes, lol. (Hopefully.)

Hrmmmm, I guess I should talk to kids some more, lol. What would be a more natural way of saying it?

I'm not sure. Anything I'd suggest would probably be intensely affected by the region in which I grew up. I'm not sure if it would be appropriate for this story, since I don't know where it's supposed to be set specifically.

If you find that you're having trouble imagining what a kid talks like, maybe you could go over to you tube and look at some videos of young kids/preteens...a suggestion that sort of comes off as creepy now that I write it down.

Looking at news-reporter interviews of Junior high/Elementary students might be a good place to start. The Today Show does this segment called Al's Book Club for Kids, which has a lot of seemingly nerdy/intelligent kids on it that are about DD's age talking about...books. Maybe that will give you a good idea of how DD should talk, since she seems like the thoughtful type.

[Emihaumut]

That's a really good idea! Thanks. biggrin