Dirty Little Secrets [Announcement 11/8/2023]

Before I go, I've got to know:

Is that what you mean to say?	29.2%	[ 746 ]
Before I rise to my defense,	5.0%	[ 127 ]
Before I speak in hurt or fear,	5.6%	[ 142 ]
Before I build that wall of words,	4.3%	[ 110 ]
Tell me: did I really hear?	10.2%	[ 260 ]
Words are windows, or they're walls,	9.8%	[ 250 ]
They sentence us, or set us free.	6.2%	[ 157 ]
When I speak and when I hear,	2.9%	[ 75 ]
Let the love light shine through me.	26.8%	[ 684 ]
Total Votes:			[ 2551 ]

[La Cantarella]

I don't know what to make of it.
Sara called me yesterday. First time anyone's made an effort to reach out at all since December. No, probably November. Mid-November. Had to be.
Said she's getting married. All I murmured was some stupid platitude about her only being 17. It was weak, I'll admit. But I am weakening every day. Stupid, frail body.
Mentioned something about coming to visit. Asked if me and Danny are alright, if he's come to visit. I wouldn't have him here. It's no place for any sane individual. I told her to stay away just like they've all done, all this time. All these months. I have no intention of forgiving, of forgetting. They've lost that privilege. They've lost my trust. I don't care about any of them anymore.

[La Cantarella]

Can't breathe today. Just woke up gasping and coughing...
Irma said she'd make an appointment. I didn't talk about the fever I've had for the past two weeks, the fact that I'm so tired I can barely move. I didn't talk about how my skin itches so bad I've clawed myself open. I don't talk about the pains in my belly, the cramping, the pressure. I don't talk about my bleeding mouth. I didn't tell her about my pale nail beds, the coughing, the blood I bring up.
But I did talk about the bleeding in my belly. I drip blood constantly. She said she'd make an appointment, but I don't believe her. If I was allowed to do it myself, I would. But it isn't allowed, and she's under the impression that I'm healthy just because I'm young and not obese, unlike most of the people here. Last time, they scanned my belly, and there were blockages everywhere. I'm tearing apart from the inside. I can feel the ripping. Most of the time, it isn't painful. But sometimes...
She said they would probably scope out my stomach. I just want the bleeding to stop. I'm so, so tired...

[Werefox]

Can I really negate who I really am...? Everyday it feels painful to know I had yet another failure but is it really me the one doing it wrong..? Or am I just not really being apreciated...? Who am I...? Am I really worth of anyone...? With all of my flaws and virtues if there is any..?How can I even find out... Our does anyone even really want to find out..? It feels painful To live today... Really wish I could have someone to talk to all day...

[mewkittyy]

he looks just like you.

i shouldn't talk to him just because of that reason.
- o-

gdi.

[La Cantarella]

Mom sent me a letter the other day. Just her usual stuff- some card stock fold-over with hastily,scribbled doodles in black pen. Something about "ritual" and wanting me before I was born or whatever. I didn't even bother acknowledging it save for asking Sara why Mom even bothered in the five-minute charade of a conversation after day treatment yesterday.
She said she loved me. All I did was laugh and ask why they bothered. Sara just murmured something about how the grandparents aren't well.

"So they're dying."
"Don't put it so bluntly!"
"I have to be blunt. I have to be hard. This place has made me like that."
"I could come visit-"
"Don't."
"Why?"
"Do you really want to come to a place with feces smeared on the walls and floors? This isn't a place for someone like you. Stay away."
There was a pause.
"I'd still come visit you."
"No. Don't."

[what the chicken]

Good goddamn he needs to get his a** beat.
BEAT.
And not with a hand, not with a belt, with a ******** shoe.
And not his a**. The back of his head.
What kind of s**t. seriously.

MY VOICE SOUNDS AMAZING AND CONFUSED MY SPERM DONOR.
Yeh. He's not a dad if he's still that immature and whiny about everything.
Boohoo your band's dissolving. No pity. I told you what you can do. Get the ******** up and do it.
I'm more of an adult than you, and I still laugh at burps.

And it seems I have to be in charge of some little boy because he doesn't like me enough to use condoms?
Yeeeeahhhhh, sex is only gonna happen when you're wrapped up, son.
I know you're fresh from the Army. That's sexy. Risking my life to prove loyalty? I am not your private. Fuuuuuck that.

And facial haaaair. ******** shaving. I mean, I don't count the "job" I have as anything important enough to keep clean-shaven. I'm starting school, probably almost full-time.

THE GYM THERE LOOKS AMAZING AND THE FOOD COURT AND I HAVE A COUPLE OF FRIENDS THERE ALREADY I AM SO HAPPY.
But new people D: idk

[Rainier Silke]

My body hurts from lifting yesterday. Hahhhh. crying I'm gonna make my healthy french toast and my Canadian bacon, then I'll watch YouTube s**t while I eat it. Maybe psychedelicsnake or Mark. Who knows.

[what the chicken]

and omg Mike is a big mush. He saw the video for Hermione and the meeping so cute.

[La Cantarella]

Please be safe.
Please, please, please. I worry about you so much. I can't lose any more friends. I couldn't take it. Not after Lisa. Not after the police didn't even want to search for her because she was known to come to this program.
Don't get blown up. Don't die in Afghanistan. Promise me.

[Bunnycakie]

Food Network In The Kitchen app and Aaron Sanchez recipes, yeeeh trying them later.

[Skeptic515]

Drugs are bad mmkay

[Rainier Silke]

I love you, but I really don't feel like skyping today.

[Skeptic515]

"My future is shrouded in dark wilderness." As the great Oz-man once said.

I don't know where the world is taking me now, but no more whining. No more bitching.
I'm sick of complaining about something that could be so much more. The lifestyle I have
chosen over the years has not been the greatest of ideas. No more of that. From this point on,
the future will be in my favor. Every action I take will be for the greater good of my being. My true spiritual journey starts here. I won't let you down.

[mewkittyy]

sooo cutee. bahhhhh.

[Hellodies]

Ky.'s the second one to suddenly guess I'm a guy in a chick's body.

Find it amusing.... But my reaction to a friend telling me that is either: eek or neutral and they were to tell me that when I'm not in the mood or anything for the matter, it's always this: emotion_eyebrow

Believe me buddy, I've checked.... I'm certain that I am a chick.
But yeah, I do kind of wonder why I think more in terms of guys...

..... kind of took one of those tests to see how I think more of a few months back (out of boredom of course. )
78% was thinking like a dude.
22% was thinking like a chick.

Kind of like my gender.... and I like the way I think. Who knew...

I wear ripped jeans, boots/tennis shoes, t-shirts and hoodies. It's rare to see me dress in formal attire.... unless I absolutely have to.
The only thing that I ever bother with in make-up terms is having eye-liner and mascara.

( Now I'm filling you in with useless s**t, go me! )

I like things a lot of chicks do not. And trust me, if you were to see most chick's reaction when I discuss everything I like. They would either call me a huge ******** weirdo or morbid (if that's the right word to say) as ******** or just twitch their eyes...

I know this.
And I ******** love it. emotion_awesome

So yes Ky..... call me a dude in a chick's body.
I have no problem with that. = w =

..... there is the word tomboy that also gets used, it would be a bit easier to just call me that.
Though... who cares, right?

- - - - - - - - - - -

I hate the way my medications keep treating me.... stare
My Psych. appointment is next week to see how things have been going.

I hope it goes well, I don't really think I can stress having to do psychotherapy... or any therapy-related sessions. Even though, I definitely may need it soon.
I got classes starting in a few days, I don't want to just deal with a ton of things.

But, if I want to make better of myself and control my disorder in the most positive way possible... then I got to take measures.

Even if deep down inside me, I wish I wasn't so ******** up for everyone....