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To Mummy,

How are you doing up there? Dinners with great scientists aplenty, no doubt? Heh.

When you first told us all those years ago that you had oesophagial cancer, my world came crashing down. I know you think I didnt care but I didn't know how to show it. I did care, I really, really did.

When you came through that, we were all so proud, so happy that you were going to fight another day.

Then again, everything came crashing down when you told us it had returned again, when the doctors said they couldn't get rid of it this time but they could control it. But hell, you beat that too. It just went completely, we were all amazed. But I don't know why we were surprised, you were an amazing and strong woman. You weren't exactly about to let the 'gremlins' win.

I remember vividly the final time you told us you were suffering. We all sat in the front room, me eating noodles, our cat Gandalf coming in to curl up on your lap - he always knows when someone needs a hug. And then you told us that the cancer had returned and it was in your liver. You then told us that they didn't know what they could do about it. There were no time frames mentioned, nothing like that. We thought you were going to win again.

They tried everything. Chemo first but it didn't do anything. The doctor you saw admired your spirit so much that he pulled so many strings and managed to get you on a drug trial which had had positive results for breast cancer. But that had just made you worse, you were so sick from it.

You took a break from it last Christmas so you could spend time with your family without having to worry about being ill. We may have all fought like cats and dogs throughout the season but at least you were there to argue with us.

I think I knew the end was coming on New Years when we all sat in your room to watch the year come in. You were bedridden by this point from all the stress of the holidays. We were all sat together, watching the fireworks. It was nice having that family time.

After that, you spent those days in hospital. I still remember you waving at me from your chair as the ambulance drivers took you out, you telling me you'd be home soon. I think part of me knew that you wouldn't be.

It was hard seeing you in that place. You told me I didn't have to come and see you if I didn't want to. But I wanted to. I wanted to spend time with you, I wanted to see you. It just scared me knowing what was going on.

I remember the bad news coming thick and first, first it was weeks, then it was days. Then before I knew it, it was 4.30AM on 5th January 2009 and my dad was in my room, crying and grabbing me in a hug. I can still hear his voice saying "She's gone", unable to bring himself to say that you'd died. I knew it had happened before it did. I knew because that song you'd banned us from listening to when you first got sick came on TV for no real reason whatsoever. I just sat up in my bed, hugging my knees under a duvet cover you'd made for me when I was a little girl and cried as I listened to the song.

I remember Nana telling us that you smiled at her as you went, that you seemed to know the pain was ending. It didn't ease the pain per se - neither did her obsessive tea making, our British ways, eh? - but it did make me feel a little less negative.

I got a tattoo for you a few days after it happened. A sunflower with a ladybird. I know you always saw ladybirds as looking after you when you were sick and I know you loved gardening. I saw the sunflower as the most positive of the flowers and I wanted a positive tattoo so I could focus on the good times we had together. You'd have loved it, it's less scary than all my others.

I miss you so much, mummy. But I know you're up there, watching over us all. You proved that at grandpa's funeral, the two rabbits, the two birds, you were showing us that you were there and he was there with you. You're both looking after each other now.

I'll never forget you. You'll always be in my heart.

I love you so much.
Vanessa
xxx

PS. Yes, I'll go and get a tissue so I stop leaking all over my duvet and my sleeves. Sorry.

Crucifictorius