Most of this story is complete and utter bullshit, but some sections are real.. Can you tell which is which?
THE NEW BREED OF LESBIAN
Seraph Lee Raz: Straight, lesbian, stoner, insane. This is the story of her life...
Seraph sat on her bed, pondering what to with her night. Straight ahead of her was the door to her room. It was locked, ok, one less thing to get up and do. To her left, her rainbow, glittery umbrella sat up against the wall next to the one window in her room. She always kept it near just incase it rained. Not that it rained in her room, but it could happen one day. She looked up to the ceiling. Yeah, it could collapse one day while raining, and she would hate to get wet. To her right, the desk next to her bed; nothing on it, yet. Behind her was her iguana. It wasn't very social. She finished painting her finger nails black. Earlier she had re-dyed her hair black. She was wearing her new black shirt, which matched perfectly with her new black pants, and her black shoes, with white shoe laces. She got off the bed and lay down on the floor to search under her bed. The treasure that she had hidden a few hours before lay close. She rummaged through junk. Dirty sock; No. Lint; No. Purple double sided d***o; not tonight. She crawled partially under her bed, and found a small plastic bag with her prize inside. Forgetting that she was under her bed, she tried to stand up, but in the process nearly knocked herself out. Seraph lay in pain for a bit, giggling at herself for her mistake. She pulled herself up and sat the bag on the table. Sitting back on her bed she reached under her pillow and pulled out her emergency peanut butter. The desk to her right was now occupied with the only two items that ever sat upon it. Mushrooms and peanut butter. She rubbed her hands together.
"Let the night begin!" she told herself. She ingested the shrooms, and scooped some peanut butter out with her fingers and ingested that too. She wished she had fluff. Maybe tomorrow.
"Seraph… You haven't frolicked in the rain with me for a while" To her left a high squeaky voice talked to her. She looked over to see her umbrella bouncing on its handle toward her. When it talked, it opened and closed rapidly.
"I know, but it hasn't rained in my room yet…and what if the aliens see you. You are very sparkly." Her words sounded warped and purple… she wasn't sure why, but everything sounded purple-ie. She didn't want to deal with the umbrella right now, so she got up and kicked it. Even though she was sure she hit it, somehow her foot seemed to go though it and she fell off balance and hit the floor hard, but it was ok, because she couldn't feel it.
"You really disappoint me Seraph." Mr. T`s voice came from the iguana.
"Common, lemme go. I'm going places with my life! I shot down three U.F.O's just this week." Seraph explained to the umbrella and iguana.
"Can I have some peanut butter at least?" Mr. T iguana asked.
"Sure. Go for it." Seraph said as she walked over to open her window. She could have sworn she heard a knock. When she looked down there was a ladder leaning up on her windowsill. A teenage girl with pink and black hair was ascending to her room. When she got to the top, she knocked on the window and asked to be let in.
"Seraph, be real. Seriously, stop talking to your umbrella. It never has anything good to say anyway." The pink haired girl crawled through the window, walked past Seraph and took a seat next to the iguana and took a finger full of peanut butter to eat. "You should get fluff, its much better."
"Yeah I wanted some but all I had was… Wait a second! Who the hell are you?" Seraph yelled at her new guest. The girl looked over to her with a mouth full of peanut butter.
"Hey, hey, no need to get testy… I'm God ya'know." God finished what she was eating and stood up. The umbrella bounced over to her and started to object.
"I don't like you very much! So yeah, you're God, but I…" at that point God pointed her finger at the umbrella and a lighting bolt shot out and blew it to dust. Seraph stood stunned, staring at the remains of her favorite umbrella, now just a charred mark on her off white rug. Then she broke into uncontrollable laughter.
"Yeah, I know. I'm good" God said and shared a laugh with Seraph. When they both could breathe again, God talked to Seraph in a serious voice.
"I've come for a reason Seraph. I come to invoke you with power."
Seraph stared at God wide eyed. She had imagined God to be different. Maybe taller, deeper voice. Oh yeah, Wasn't God suppose to be a guy? Wait, God was talking to her! She's not suppose to question him… err ah her, whatever.
"What do you ask of me, oh mighty God?" She asked.
"Shut up. I just came though your window, you don't have to be formal with me. Anyway, were you even listening? I said I was ganna give you power, I didn't ask for anything, jeeze. Kids today don't listen." God shook his/her head and continued with what she was saying before.
"Anyway… Oh yeah. I've come to invoke you with power!" At that point God began to fade. "I'm giving you the power to become…A New Breed Of Lesbian!!!"
"Oh my God!" Seraph said in shock.
"Huh?" God looked confused.
"Oh, it's just a saying." Seraph explained.
"Ahh… yeah, sorry, I'm a little out of the times. Haven't been on earth for a while…" When she finished her sentence she faded completely from sight.
Seraph opened her eyes to see her ceiling. She was laying on her bed. When she got up quickly to look around, her umbrella was sitting next to her window, the iguana was sitting under her heating lamp, and a girl her age with plaid cut off shorts and a blue Mohawk was sitting next to her eating her peanut butter.
"God?" Seraph said, rubbing her eyes.
"What? Why don't you have any fluff?" the Mohawk girl asked.
"Oh, it's just you little s**t pot. What are you doing here? and I know I don't have any fluff I didn't get a chance to get any. That's not important, did you see God on your way in? Cause I passed out before I could ask her a question." Seraph said as she sat up and snatched the peanut butter back.
"I saw a cloud that looked like the lead singer of Nine Inch Nails. Does that count?" Little s**t pot asked as she got up and walked to the iguana.
"No. I hate you. What are you doing here?"
"The door was open. I let myself in. And I'm taking my iguana back!" Little s**t pot grabbed the iguana and showed herself out.
"Well, you understand me, anyway." Seraph said to her umbrella.
"Whoa, I gatta get to bed, I got work tomorrow.
Seraph stood in the middle of a stair case. She couldn't see the end either way, but there was a table up ahead. She walked over to it, kneeled down and bit the corner. At this moment her left eye fell out on the table and looked at her.
"I need a tissue." Her eye said.
Seraph woke to the sounds of her alarms going off. She had more than one because they never seemed to wake her up. She began her daily routine by kicking them all to shut them off. She then picked out a nice black outfit to wear today. She was about to walk down the stairs to go to her car when she heard a noise. She looked over her shoulder.
"ok, I'll take you too." She said to the umbrella. They went to her car. It was a horrible not-black-but-blue (is what she liked to call it). Drove to work. Got in late. Listened to boss man b***h. Sat behind counter. Obeyed every customer's whims and commands. What a long day, she thought as she left her job at Hot Topic and headed to her car, using her umbrella as a walking stick. But when she got to the parking lot, something was wrong; very wrong. She looked up, and saw the menace. She lifted her machine gun and blew away at the alien space ship. Shells flying everywhere, people running for cover, DIRECT HIT! The ship came spiraling downward! And, NO a pedestrian is in the way of the crash. Seraph ran desperately to save him. Crashing in to him, she pushed him out of the way just in time to save them both!
"It's ok, I got the ship, no need to worry, no aliens survived." Seraph assured the man.
"That's great! I guess you saved me from them then?"
"Yes, but no need for thanks, it's just what I do." She said with pride.
"Wanna come to my place?" He asked. He was taller than her. A lot taller, with long brown hair, and a small patch of facial hair on his chin.
"Sure!" Seraph left her car in the parking lot and drove home with him in his nice back-not-blue car.
He had a small apartment in town. The lights were on when they walked in.
"Hey what's your name anyway?" he asked when they got inside.
"Seraph. Seraph Raz. Isn't it weird we just met and now I'm at your place?" She asked, looking around. Wow. This guy had bad taste. There wasn't enough black.
A shadow appeared walking towards them from down the hall.
"Baby, you ready for this?" A flamboyant voice came from the shadow.
"Ahh, sugar muffin we have…" Seraph's new friend tried to tell the shadow, but it was too late. The shadow turned into a tall, skinny man, clothed in nothing but whipped cream. It was obviously a pretty big banana split.
"OH!" the banana split man ran back to the shadows. "You didn't say we had company baby!"
Then the government came and shot them all dead.
End
Or that's how it would have ended, if general Utopia wouldn't have interfered.
"Hands in the air dirt bags and we wont shoot!" A dark featured girl with combat boots yelled. Everyone's hands flew in the air, even the banana slip guy, his banana split considerably smaller now. Seraph looked for her machine gun, but she had left her umbrella in the car. DAMN IT! In her hopes to get laid tonight she had completely forgotten about the government… always out to get her!
"You there!" Utopia pointed to banana split man. He reacted to her pointing by making a mad dash for the open window, leaping out it.
"After him!" We can't let him get away again!" she ordered her troops out the door and stormed down the street after the banana split man, following the trail of whipped cream behind him.
"Does that happen often?" Seraph asked.
"Only about once a month… anyway, want some coffee?"
"Demetri." He said and walked to the living room and sat on the couch. Seraph hated that name.
"So, I'm taking it your gay then?" She asked disappointed.
"Hmm? Oh yeah, well, God came down and told me it was my destiny to be the new breed of gay, and I figure, who am I to go against God, ya'know?"
"HEY! God told me I was to be the new breed of lesbian… Wonder what it all means"
"…" Demeti looked over at her.
"…" Seraph looked back at him.
"…I think it means we do too many drugs…" He said in a stern serious voice. They stared at each other. Demetri cracked a smile. Seraph and him broke out in uncontrollable laughter, ending up rolling on the floor. They rolled all the way to the bedroom. They laughed so hard their clothes fell off.
Seraph woke up the next morning, helped herself to a shower and had Demetri drive her to her car. She said her goodbyes, exchanged numbers, and went to Little s**t pot's place to get the iguana.
The door was unlocked and she let herself in. Little s**t pot's dog came to meet Seraph. The dog was so fat, that it had to sit on a skateboard and wheel itself around. It reminded Seraph of a pony she had saw once riding on a scooter into a pharmacy. She hadn't thought much of it at the time. There was an earth shattering scream coming from upstairs. Seraph dashed up to Little s**t pot's room to see if her friend was still alive. When she reached the room her friend was in, Little s**t pot was on her knees, head facing the heavens, hands clenched into fists.
"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO…" She gasped for air. "…OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO" Little s**t pot passed out for a bit. Seraph shook her to wake her, holding her distraught companion in her arms.
"What?! Who?! Trent Reznor? Is that you?" Little s**t pot looked around weakly and confused.
"Oh my God what happened to you? Are you ok?" Seraph asked when her friend was coherent again. Little s**t pot sobbed into her hands.
"That pony… That damn pony ate him… He ate TRENT REZNOR!!!" Seraph then let her friend drop back to the ground.
"Oh, that's all." Seraph walked over to the iguana and picked it up and walked out the door.
"THAT'S ALL?" Little s**t pot yelled after her. Little s**t pot shoved passed Seraph, tripping and falling down the stairs. Seraph walked passed her and opened the door so she wouldn't run into that too. When little s**t pot came to she ran out the door and stood in the street, yelling to the sky.
"Why? What will the world do without the musical talents of Nine Inch Nails? Why God? Why?" unknowing to her surroundings, an out of control tractor came barreling down the road and plowed over her.
Little s**t pot lay mangled and near death in the road. A teenage girl with pink and black hair walked over and looked down on her.
"You know, despite popular belief, I don't control everything. I like Nine Inch Nails too. I couldn't help it's death. And why do you let people call you Little s**t pot… its really disgraceful." God looked over to Seraph, who had been watching with the iguana.
"Oh yeah! God, I had wanted to ask you, what am I suppose to do with my new power?" Seraph said walking over.
"HAHAHA!" God laughed in her face. " You should know I don't work like that, I cant say anything important straight out, I have to work in mysterious ways and talk in riddles… or was that cats that do that? I dunno, anyway, I gatta go give some Jews a hard time, see ya in hell. "HAHAHAHA" God walked away into the corn field and disappeared, "Only in Pennsylvania…" Her last words before she faded away.
The tractor had stopped partially down the street, and was now reversing. It stopped right before Little s**t pot's body and a disgruntled old man with out of control eyebrows got down form the tractor and walked casually over the corpse. After inspecting it for a little while, he hoisted it up on the back of the tractor.
"More feed for the pigs." He stated in a heavy Pennsylvania Dutch accent.
"I guess I get to keep the iguana then." Seraph said to herself
With the loss of her best friend, and inflation on prices of shrooms in P.A. because of a recent drought, Seraph decided to clean up her life.
Years passed and Seraph grew old, never knowing what God had expected from her.
Seraph sat in a bingo hall, now in her eighty's. To her right, bingo biddy's. To her left, bingo biddy's. In front of her, a bingo board, and bingo dabbers. In her purse at her feet, the Mr. T iguana, sitting next to her purse, her rainbow umbrella. Earlier in the day she had been taking the iguana on its usual walk when some young teens had approached her.
"Yo grandma, want some shrooms?" they had asked. She hadn't been high for years, and for old time sake, she bought some. Now she held them under the table. She looked from side to side. No one was looking. She ingested the shrooms, and dug in her purse and found some fluff to eat. Finally, fluff!
"Hey! Seraph! It's been long enough! Where have you been?" a squeaky voice came from her rainbow umbrella as it opened and closed rapidly.
"I haven't gone anywhere, I've been right here…" her words came out slow and purple-ie.
"Seraph, this place is wall to wall with aliens, how'd you get yourself into this mess?" Mr. T iguana said.
"Holy Jesus you're right!" It had been years since Seraph had fought the alien menace, but she was still prepared. She lifted her machine gun and stared blasting away. Alien blood flew everywhere. She busted open the container with the bingo balls in it and they bounced around her, obscuring her view. An out of control bingo dabber came hurdling towards her, and before she could get out of its way it hit her straight in the forehead, ink side first.
"Hehe… you look like a dot head." God was standing over her, everything else had stopped dead.
"Am I going to die now God?" Seraph asked as her vision began to blur.
"Yes, but you can call me Satan from now on… or Lucifer, whichever you like best." The pink haired girl laughed as Seraph was pulled into the fiery pits of hell. The burning seemed to go on for eternity.
"Hey! You had better of taken good care of my iguana!" Seraph turned around to see a girl with a blue Mohawk talking to her.
"Little s**t pot!" Seraph embraced her friend.
"Yeah, after you get past the unbearable pain, this place ain't too bad. Oh and meet my new boyfriend!" Little s**t pot pointed to a taller older man with black hair. He looked like a singer from some popular industrial band. Seraph couldn't think of his name, but it wasn't important.
From a distance Seraph could see a tall, much taller man than her, with long brown hair and a patch of facial hair on his chin.
"Demetri!" She yelled and ran to him.
"Seraph!" They hugged and took a moment to look each other over.
"So you still gay?" Seraph asked
"Actually, I got a sex change not too long after we met and my boyfriend got killed by the government. I'm still kinda into girls though.
"Well that's good, cause I swing both ways." Seraph told him.
Seraph spent the rest of eternity in hell, which wasn't so bad after you got past all the fire, the only real problem was there was only root beer marinated strawberries to eat…
The real end
