I'm worried again. I don't know why, but I've had this sort of sick feeling in my stomach recently. You know, that feeling you get before something terrible happens? It's been fixed in my stomach for about 3 days now...And I'm not liking it. There has been way too much drama and way too much could potentially happen.
But then, something kind of did happen today, but I'm not going to divulge the details. I"m not entirely sure if it means anything or not. I should probably hunt someone down to talk about it, if only for my mental well-being.
I did have a really long conversation with my friend, who is a sister to me in all but blood. We talked on the phone for almost 4 hours about almost everything there is going on with us to talk about. We don't really keep secrets. She knows probably everything about me and what's been going on. 3nodding But, she tells me about everything that's going on with her. We talked about boyfriends, arguing, healthy relationships, healthy body image, and astrology - the zodiac and how it makes us act, basically. It was great. I love just talking like that. It's really nice to just be able to tell someone everything and go unjudged.
My parents bought me a pair of earrings as an Easter present. I personally think they are the most gorgeous thing I've ever seen. They are silver and they're kind of the dangling sort. There's the part that you stick through your ear, which comes down a little ways, and connects to a ball. The ball is connected to a chain, which has another ball at the other end. They're really cool, but simplistic. That's prolly why I like them so much. They are silver, which is my favorite color/metal of jewelry, and they are simple, yet beautiful. I only hope they didn't spend very much on them...I'll feel bad if they did, because they didn't need to buy me anything.
So, that's my day. Leave feedback if you want. Oh, and Nolan? I need to talk to you about something. It's got me a little worried.
*sigh*
This is number 2. I just don't feel like making a whole new post. This is so much easier.
My current mood: Depressed, anxious, stressed, lonely, confused
Why?
Because I worry. Too much, probably, but I supposed having my mind prepared for the worst makes it more likely that I'll be pleasantly surprised when the worst doesn't happen.
Anyway...I worry. About so many things. But the main focus of my worry is Nolan. I am almost afraid that I'm going to mess something up so badly that it cannot be fixed. I don't exactly have the best relationship history. Both of my previous relationships have ended badly. Very badly. I think I worry about screwing up something with him, because even if he were to decide that dating me wasn't what he wanted, I would still value his friendship above all else, and I can't even stand to think about my previous relationships, so idk...I think I'm mostly just being stupid.
I do that alot, too. Be stupid. What a lovely combination. Stupid and worry. Gee...I wonder how that one's gonna end. But, I have been doing and saying a lot of stupid things. I ******** hate drama. sad
Drama is awful. My advice to you about drama: Stay out of and/or away from it! But, I'm in some serious drama...And there have been spectacular arguments...And I had a panic attack. That was fun. stare Not. Oh, and then crying for an hour. But that is the nature of drama. It causes many a problem. 3nodding
Last journal entry was pretty unfair though, because I made Nolan sound like such an a**...He's really not. He's just been trying to help, and I"m being a stubborn pain and can't seem to figure out how to use his advice and help and support to feel better. One of the "I've been doing a lot of stupid things" that I was talking about. So, it was unfair to attack him.
*sigh*
I've been doing that a lot recently too. I am always sighing. It's so annoying. Oh well, I guess. It's just part of picking up the pieces from running into that brick wall that we call "Life" and learning to move forward somehow.
That's what I'm trying to do. I've run in to life, and it wasn't very nice about it. I've also been introduced to "human nature" which desires that I have a system of beliefs (aka religion) no matter how I try to convince myself that I don't really need a religion. I do. I can't really deny it much. I find that Buddhism matches a lot of my beliefs and outlooks, a major difference being abortion(they hold it as murder, a horrific blemish on one's karma and I, well, I don't...i think it should be allowed without condemnation).
But, Buddhism would work well for me, I think, but I don't really know. I'd have to go visit a temple or meditation center or something and talk to someone...I"m considering taking a meditation class offered at a center in town...I think it would do me a lot of good. *shrug* Can't hurt me, right?
Anyway, I guess I feel a bit better after this second round of a rant.
That's how I make myself feel better though. I just have to talk things out to myself somehow. I have to be able to accept what's going on in my mind, which requires that I understand as much as I possibly can about it. It does irritate some people...Oh well. It's me, they'll have to learn to deal.
I usually do it in the form of complaining, though. Which is prolly bad. Cause it's just creating negative energy towards the situation. I think that from now on, when something happens that bothers me, instead of just focusing on the negative aspects and complaining about it, I should try to talk out how the situation could help me, make me improve myself, become a better person, etc. However, someone (meaning whoever I start complaining to) will have to probably remind me. Not like, viciously, but just a gentle prod in the right direction. Maybe, listen to me complain for a bit, kind of start to understand how the negative side makes me feel, and then ask me, "How can/will this make you a better person?" or something. Cause that way, I'd have both the negative (complaining) and the positive (self-betterment).
Tell me what you think of my plan. Espescially if you're someone I complain to a lot. ninja
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