It sucks to be moody. This weekend I was all moody and depressed for no real reason and just generally snappy.
I think it had something to do with being unable to see my ToA group ( Steven, Ricky, and Sheldon ... but it's easier typing this. ) this weekend because they were all busy. Ricky and Steven went to a party, and Sheldon had first aid training... which he passed, yay! I knew he would. ^^
On Friday there was Flyff with Tyler and Ricky but I kept being incompetent and letting them die and I felt pretty useless, especially when other people kept coming around ( girls no less ) and had to help us. I kept getting the impression that Ricky was treating them way nicer then he ever treats me, but even if that isn't true I felt that way and I got depressed about it. It was a stupid thing to ruin a good mood over. If he knew he'd probably use the disappointed face of doom --> -_-
Tyler had to endure another one of my emo rants, and Steven too. I feel sorry about ladening that stuff on them all time, but I really do appreciate that they listen to me. I couldn't ask for better friends. Then besides starting a fight with Azzy because she's tired of me picking my ToA group over her and coming to see Josh on Sat, I started a fight with Steven too because I was talking to Gab about him. But I didn't say anything bad .. except what he already knows what I think about him, but he knows I don't care too much about that stuff. He's still my friend, and one of the most important ones I know.
I start fights, kick myself for it. Also kick myself for being incompetent in everything ever. Tyler made me promise not to bash myself anymore, but this is a real task... you see, when I was little, I used to blame everyone else for anything I ever did. Sometimes I still do that, but I mostly blame myself for most things now, even if they weren't always my fault. Sometimes it feels better to make up an excuse about being a certain way rather then admitting I simply can't handle something, if that makes any sense.
Sometimes I really think I bash myself openly because secretly I want people to disagree with what I'm saying, to tell me I'm not stupid or ugly or useless. I've been called those three things more often then I've not been.
I wonder if I'm selfish for talking about myself all the time, for putting things onto other people. It has been said that about me before, and I got angry about it... but then, that was by someone who has no idea of what kind of person I really am. I want to be kind and sweet and helpful, but maybe I'm just not that kind of person deep down inside... I try whenever I can though.
Man, I confuse even myself... but this entry isn't about me sulking or being angsty or anything. It's more like an observation of who I am, or who I think I am. I like to wonder sometimes. I like asking other people about who they think I am sometimes too, because people can give me a variety of answers.
I can't help but wonder who in this world is the person who cares the most about me... besides my parents, naturally. Or maybe even more then my parents. Do I have a person like that?
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