Well.. Here I am.. It's 4:43am, I just finished my new profile layout, I layed in bed and cried for an hour while listening to a depressing song.. and then I came back here, to type this entry. I've changed. Thats really.. All I can say.. Things around me are changing, to fast. Once again, I fear I am losing my mother.. but not to drugs this time.. Today really, Wensday, She's supposed to be leaving for Miami. But I know.. if she goes down there, She'll never come back.. and I'll have no way to see her again.. Generally.. I'd say thats a good thing.. But I let myself slip again. I dont know when i'm gonna learn to stop trusting her.. All I want is to be able to trust her.. I mean she's my mom.. I should be able to trust my own mother.. *sighed* I dont know what to do.. She even asked me to come with her.. But.. I cant.. I cant leave all of this behind.. All of my friends here.. Because I know if I go down there, I wont be able to reach any of you guys,.Chii, Sao.. haseo.. sin.. inochi.. kuro.. MX.. everyone.. I'll never speak to them again.. I dont want to lose anyone.. but considering my moms past of drug usage and abandonment when things get to tough.. I have to choose between one or the other.. and it's not fair.. I just wish I could have all of this.. all together..
Also.. I always seem to wind up hurting people.. I dont mean too.. I honestly dont.. I never wanted to hurt anyone, especially you, David... You mean the world to me, and I just dont want to lose you.. There are so many people who love me, So many people who want to be with me, but all I can think about is you.. Sure.. I have tried to be with others, dont think I havent tried to get over you, But I cant, I cant help it.. I think about you all the time.. I even find myself talking about you to people who hate you just for the fact that I'm in love with you.. But they put up with it because it makes me happy.. I don't know what to do anymore.. I cant force you to be with me.. thats the last thing I want.. because when I dream of you, you're kissing me because you want to.. not because you feel like you have too.. I'm rambling again.. Anyone can feel free to stop reading this at any time.. It'll more then likely be the people who love me anyway, getting jealous over what i'm saying.. God.. Why can't I just stop..
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