More and more I find myself sick of where I am, and most of the time, The people around me. I just want to get out of here, To just disappear and never come back. Well no.. I'd come back one day, Years later, when I'll have a better job then everyone, I'll have tons of money, A nice house, A wonderful husband, maybe even a child of my own, That I raise better then my own mother could have ever raised me even if she were around.. I guess these are only dreams, but one day I hope they come true.. I want to be better then them .. I guess I should write about whats been going on lately, Heh, Sidetracked again ^^
I leant my mom money one night, Biggest mistake ever, And the other day, Friday, She took me and Xiao to HKT, A japanese animation import store, Generally where I get all of my figures and other various anime things. But she stiffed me on the money she owes me, So I only had 10, When I should have had 30 -.-; On the way there, She told me my little brother wanted to see me.. Which.. After that convo, I had to fight back tears. Isaiah, I had always been so jealous of him, Because he had my mothers love nearly his entire life out of the 9 years I have known him, While I suffered my entire life without her. I yelled at him a lot, And back when I lived with mom the last time, I broke some of his stuff because I was THAT jealous of him, That I would stoop as low as to break a 5 year olds toy just because mom may have liked him more then me. Jealousy.. It's a powerful thing that even I cant controll my own feelings over. But at that moment in the car.. Hearing all the things the little brat had done for me, Despite what I had done to him.. Like when I was sick, at 11pm, He was in the store with mom, and he got me a get well soon card, with his own money, And for valentines day, He got me these really cute socks with cats and hearts on them... and a snoopy plushie with a box of candy. He's done a lot for me, On his own, Even after how I've treated him. It was those thoughts that got me tearing up in the car.. I shook them away quickly, Making sure not to cry infront of everyone. I never cry infront of people, I find it a weakness.. and my whole life I have learned that being weak only causes more pain.. So I go on, Struggling to keep myself stronger then I let on to be, Because it's the only thing I've known other then the deep sadness I feel inside of me. But one day, That will all change, and Maybe that day is sooner then expected, I will get better, And for once, I may actually be happy.
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