Hello people.
So, I'm sitting here at 2:47 am thinking "what the hell am I doing".
so the new school term starts tomorrow... today but I can't even
think of one reason to get up and go tomorrow. People say that your
last year of high school is the best one, but I don't see it. It's just
going to tern out like every other year with me leaving and adding
one more to my list of drop outs. For some reason the idea of staying
in one place to long bugs me. I end up leaving most of the time
befor the first term ends. I think my rezoning for this is because I
desperately wont to escape form the home I'm trapped in, but with
school I have the power to get free. So just to keep myself from
running off into the night I move school so I'm not climbing on
the walls at "home" to get out. But in doing this it has only started
new problems. People are left with the impression that I'm a
mindless slacker with no hopes in the fuchar. Their not that far
off. I did have dreams but I learned that dreams are impassable to
achieve. There will always be some standing behind you telling
you "it will never happen" and after not long it slowly terns into
your voice. I'm not sheer for haw long it has been my voice, but
it's been long enough that a simple smile is nothing but a mask
put on to hide what you really are from everyone around you. If
you are really good your" friends" have no clue. There blind to
the point that they come to you with problems so that you can
help them. Wile in your head your screaming "Help me" but it
will never leave your lips. With all your "friends" masked you
can walk though life looking as though your just hanging out
never really trying, nothing but a slacker. One problem with
your "friends" masked there not really your "friends". You
don't trust them; in reality you hate most of them. But what
are you to do, if you don't inter act with them someone might
think something is wrong then they will know your week and
heart you more. Cuz anything you say to a "friend" will be told
to others and then you will be mad fun of. So that leads back to
the start were your climbing the walls looking for freedom.
Funny thing is that when I was little I wonted to be a doctor.
I think I was 2 or so. Since that day that's what iv wonted to be
but it will never happen. Iv got every one fooled, thinking I'm
someone I'm not, that I don't even know who I am. One day I
hope someone will fine the real me. The me that dreams of flying
throw the sky in my dream only waking up in the mornings with
your feat feeling as though someone is holding you down. The me
that loves to sit in since class learning about genetics and how the
eko system works. The me that gets panic attacks so bad that I lay
on the floor sometimes, grasping to the closes thing holding on as
if everything around me was about to be disappear. Living day bye
day wonder why? All I wont is someone to know the real me.
But I'm nothing but a worthless person to scared to ask, that it
will never happen. Even if a person see they will not help
because to do that would mean having to see what is really
going on around you, Would you real wont to know that? question
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Incohererant Ramblings
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~Ish~
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