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------I dreamt about Anya last night, a painful dream. Guilt from when I was younger. I have kept her in the back of my mind framed in fond bitter sweet memories. I've expressed this guilt to some of my friends here but I think now is the time to actually write it out and let it go.

------There is this light post in Bills Ranch, every time I walk into that screen I think of her. Its the one a screen below the entrance to Zen Gardens. This whole screen was a metaphor to me back then. She called the patch of wheat Iowa, where she was from. In the picture frame in my mind she was always there on the other side of the fence. I stood by the light post. The fence was symbolism of this digital thing that was between us. Until one day she hopped the fence. She was the first person I had ever met online from this site. It was a surreal experience, so much so that I wrote about it in this book. I think I titled it Memory #2. We had always planned for more to meet again, but it never happened.

------We talked a lot back then during skype days. I had considered her to be one of my best friends. Of course young and stupid me also developed a crush on her that would end up nowhere. She was one of the first few to find out about the real me, of how I am in person. I was scared she'd judge me for it but she accepted me for who I am. We had this fake relationship where we'd text each other "Good morning sweetheart." I think the original intention was to protect each other from unwanted suitors. It was easier to lie and say "I have a boyfriend/girlfriend," rather than say "I'm not interested." Of course receiving one of these texts early in the morning on my daily commute was very warming/energizing. Knowing that there was someone out there that cared for me.

------She loved nature so much that she hated the city. She hated visiting NYC because the cinderblocks and concrete, the grayness of it all gave her anxiety. At least thats what I remember her telling me. She went to college in a city somewhere in florida. I also remember her telling me how she hated that place. She had a cat Borris, and she was the person I went to a lot for advice for when I had my first cat Silver, back in 2016, before he died a few months later. I was devastated but she had help console me.

------She meant so much to me as a friend, and I had been the worst friend to her. I took her for granted. I guess it started out with her depression. I was in deep in my depression myself so I understood. As time progressed we'd eventually started to talk less, probably because of adulthood and responsibilities. I didn't have time to go back onto this site, yet here I am. I remember every time I would hit her up and ask her "How are you?" she'd always be down and sad or depressed. Even from distance and months of not talking. I hated hearing that from her because she was the brightest and bubbliest person I knew. In our friend group she was the sun that everyone gravitated to and orbited, had it not been for her I wouldn't have been friends with some of the people I know now.

------Then younger me had this idea, since I was battling depression myself and still am. I had always tried to prioritize my happiness over anything. Talking to her made me sad, mad, and frustrated. So I decided to stop hitting her up. I was selfish and if I could fight my younger self right now I would. She was crying/calling for help yet I ignored it, despite what she had done for me, despite the beautiful bitter sweet picture in my mind, of us in Bill's Ranch. The last I heard from her was on the holiday season two years ago. She wanted to meet up because she was in NYC again. I said no because I had rehearsals with my band at the time. I regret not going to see her so much.

------The reason why I came back for this site was because of "Postscript" a short still image film I made about distant friendships. My source material and inspiration was this book and mostly her. I'm gonna be honest and I'm not even sure if she's alive anymore. I've texted her a couple of times but I never got a reply. Today just now in the middle of writing this, I tried calling her. She didn't pick up. I miss her a lot. All I want to do is apologize for taking her for granted.

------I guess this is a lesson for those who's still reading, I know this has been a long entry already. A lesson to not make the same mistakes I've done. A lesson to not take your friends for granted, and that even the brightest star can go dim. and that the strongest people can still fall.

------Anya if you ever find this one day. I'm so so so so very sorry. I would love to hear from you again. I hope you're alive and safe. I hope you're smiling and that you're happy. Even if you don't wanna hear or talk to me ever again, I pray for your happiness.

------Thanks for reading, Anikacy out.