Why is it you won't tell me anything? Every time we see eachother, you talk about how you've been "busy" but you won't tell me a damn thing. What am I supposed to think? I care about you so much, but you won't even tell me what's happening in your life. Why do I have to be in this position. Why am I the only one who cares
"You haven't been here for a while."
"Yeah, I know."
"Is that just because no one has invited you over, or what?"
"Nah, it's because I've actually been busy doing things."
"Let me guess, you're not going to tell me anything about it?"
"Why are you like this?"
"I dunno, I just am."
Except... I remember when you weren't like this. When you'd tell me anything. Are you like this with everyone, or is it just me now? I still struggle with my irrelevancy in your life. Years have passed, but they feel like a day. I can't cope with it at all. So I sit in my room and cry again, and wish so hard that the day would come when you'd take down all these walls and let me be apart of your life again. But it's not happening. It's not going to happen. And I know that, but I'm still stuck on you. You've left me far behind, and I still feel so much adoration for you. I still look at you, sitting across the room, and feel the compulsion to get up and kiss you, like we're still together. Like it hasn't been 5 years. Like you haven't already rejected me three times.
It ******** hurts. I've probably written that sentence too many times this year. I keep wondering when I'm finally going to have enough, but it just doesn't happen. I don't want to be me anymore. I don't want to go through this pain anymore.
If you're seeing someone and you don't want to tell me, I wish you would and just get it over with. So I can stop wondering if that's what's going on. If you're afraid of hurting me, I'm just killing myself with the thoughts anyways, only it's a slow burn crippling me as each day inches by.. But you told me there wasn't anyone before and you "couldn't" have a relationship right now... I want to believe you, but why are you so damn vague with me on where you're going during the week? Is it just because you're weird? I have too many questions, I'm too obsessive, and I'm too anxious about everything. There's only so much I can do for myself. The thoughts remain and I feel so alone.
I know it's not my business technically..... I know that. The rational side knows that. But... I love you, and it's hard not to want to know. I can't make myself not care. I just want to know what's going on in your life. If you're going on dates or something... just tell me. God just ******** tell me already so hopefully I'll finally get I have no chance to turn this around. I don't know what to think.
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These are the records of certain occurrences and musings in my life. It is probably not of much importance to you, unless you enjoy being a sleuth or have some vague interest in listening to me prattle about my flavour-of-the-month.