This is for you all who do care about me. How I've really been feeling.
Everytime everyone ask me how I'm doing, I respond with I'm fine, I'm bored, Or tired.
Yet, it's not what is really how I feel.
I don't feel like I once was. I look back over the past year, I see how cold I've been to people, how mean I've been to people who acutally care for me. I guess, I've lost my own will to control.
For the past year and a half, I've been a donator, donating a vast amount to people. Yet, as a good donator should, I never ask for anything in return. Very few I have donated to, I don't really mind doing it for. That is because they are so close to me, it's my way to pay them back. Other's, whine and cry, till someone donates this really gets under my skin, and makes me feel like I'm being used over and over.
Sometimes, I wish, I never started donated. I've lost so much, so much, I worked hard to get. Due to being banned, and hacked. Being banned for something I never did, and being hacked because of someone envying me.
I act all cheery, and pachy all the time. Hidding my problems behind a smile, just to make others feel like I'm alright and not to worry.
Over the past week, I've felt like s**t. Because of my ex girlfreind causing it. Making me feel, as it was my fault, her life turned so bad. Her freinds annoying me, over and over, asking me if I would ever go back out with her. It hurts deep, that people would acutally want me to feel like s**t, just because they want to see their freind happy once more.
I feel ill, like I'm a puppet, that only people love using.
Very few, I know acutally care. Jay, Mesa, Della, Kre, and maybe I few other I know from this site. Everyday, I get on, hoping to speak with them, hoping they will be there, hoping nothing bad hasn't happened to them. My real life family, broken, apart, hardly do any of us speak with each other. My true family, is the few I know that care for me. That take time out of their day just to speak with me,
To put up with my bullshit, my cold heart, my egreness to want to bicth someone out.
I love them so much. If I lost one of them. I wouldn't know what to do.
I always help people, when they have problems. It causes stress on me so much, because when I acutally need someone, and none of the one's I care for are on. Yet, the only ones on to talk to. Won't listen, they'll contune to whine about their life, and their problems. It hurts so much, because I helped them once before, they don't even bother to take the time to try and help me.
Some say, I'll never be able to have help. Yet, there no clue at this time.
Everytime a new light shines, for me, or someone close I care for comes to us. Something bad happens, and reverses it. Like we'll never have the chance to have something that we wish for.
Most would think that I'm rich on Gaia, that I could have anything that I want. But it's wrong. I don't bother to take care of myself, most of the items I have, were given to me by freinds and family. I love them to death, that they gave them to me. But I also feel, that I'm nothing, because I couldn't achive the item myself. Because I would rather donate then get items for myself. Well now, I'm going to give up, on trying to get for everything I've lost, and help those who are close, raise up, and get the items, they want. I don't care if I'm poor, because I would rather be poor, then the ones who run around in forums, bragging about their items, that people helped them achived, but never gave them a thank you, for their deed.
I know how most of those donators feel, few I have donated to, have ever told me thank you.
For you who do care, who do wacth over me, who take care of me, who take time out of your busy day, just to talk to me, to make sure I'm alright. Thank you so much, I love you guys, with all my heart. Yet, I feel I'll never be able to pay you back, as much as you've given me.
In a couple of weeks, the thriteth of May, will be a day. That would be a day of depression to me. The day, I wacthed one of my best freinds, blow his brains out in my own bedroom, when I was twevle. But, you know..I've let the past go, because It'll do is cause pain.
For those who care...This is how I've really been.
<3 James.
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Can you stop this horror?
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xrighteousx
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"Step to me, my sweet insanity, and never leave me to drift alone."
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XxCandyCaneSinxX Community Member 
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Tamara Shadow
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Ouka The Resurrected Community Member 
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Chase Hacked
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Community Member
Thats what you said, but remember that true friends don't need to be payed back, their reward is your happyness and gratitude^^
And we still need to make that kick a** guild, with the 3 of us as partners, colleges and ofcourse friends cool .