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I get scared easily. Like, empty pit in the bottom of your stomach. That feeling that you know you did something completely wrong and you can't do anything. That feeling that Everything is going wrong and you just want to hide away and pretend like everything is okay. I get that feeling when I open up and begin to trust someone. It's hard for me to let people in. I don't see a point in people really trying to get to know me. To understand my head. But, I also can't understand everyone which also gets to me. With that said, welcome to my rant.

I met this guy online. He's been super sweet and we get along great. We used to talk from the time he got home to the time we went to bed, but that's changed. He hasn't been talking to me as much. We'll talk for a few hours but then he leaves. He says he'll come back but never does. It makes me kind of sad because I've let this guy in. I've opened myself up to him. And, I feel like he's letting me go before I even had a chance.

I've taught myself to not get my hopes up when it comes to things like this. But, sadly, he's already seen me vulnerable. He's heard me cry. I was so excited to go see him, but the trip was cancelled a few days before which absolutely crushed me. And, although I don't cry, I did. And, I cried in front of him. I've already let down my guard. I've already felt certain feelings that I can't take back now. But, I'm scared that I'm just a toy. I've been treated like one so many times that it doesn't even come as a shock to me any more.

I'm just scared that things are changing. That's he's finding me common and useless, just something to throw away. I've been thrown away by so many I crave to be kept in a nice little container, guarded and cherished by someone. Safe from the harsh ways of the world. Taken care of and not just played as a silly little disposable toy.