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WARNING: manga spoilers

June 22, 2013 note

I finally wrote my feelings down
I don't remember when I found it
I don't want to know a second time
I apologize in advance for any disrespect

I naturally switch first-persons when I talk. I will color the text. I don't usually use third person on myself because it doesn't flow right. Sorry the text stands out. ;; It's not supposed to when you read it. I added any images afterward on Gaia.


I can see beauty in simple things. I'm childish. I always try to have fun and enjoy myself. I love life. I don't often get angry, unless it's something I don't tolerate. Instead, it's easy for me to feel annoyed. I have a pure heart. I have only good intentions. I pout. I have important things to say. I'll compete with you. I'm very determined. I ate corn chips on my fingertips when I was young and I will always love eating them that way. I'll quietly fume like a kid, muttering, and not tell you why I'm mad because you should know then apologise. Love and some guilt are what I'm interested in. Prompting an oblivious person, however, is different so I don't mind. I love to help. I feel responsible, empathy, and sorrow. I cherish family and friends. Do you think episode 14 fits me?

(Tsukihana says Tamaki has a big heart. Thank you! It applies to me too)

I can see the good in people. Is it so bad to believe (have faith) in someone? Is it terrible to think badly or the worst of them? I'm like a child. I'm non-judgemental. You tell me who you are or your background history? It's just a delightful story and learning experience to me. I accept you for who you are. (Why wouldn't I?) After all, if you changed a bit about yourself (I don't mean evolve/mature), you wouldn't be you anymore, right? (eg: shyness, clothes) Your flaws are great because they are what makes you specifically you!! I'm grateful for them. -warmly smiles- Should you not be as well?

I like to believe in someone. I wouldn't be giving them the benefit of the doubt. I want to trust them. They're not entirely bad. If they were truly mean, they would have done something to me already. That is why, even though I started with liking Eclair and Grandmother, I still like them. (I dislike actions/behaviour, not necessarily the people) Am I blinded by love? You think I am, right? Heh. I'm not ignorant. I'm well aware of their behaviour. I choose to let it go and forgive. I don't like what they did, it wasn't angelic, but I tolerate them and they're good people with bad actions. You can't blame the innocent! You don't understand them at all. ...Hm? Do you really think I would hate Eclair? How? Why?? What could she possibly do? She won't do anything! She may have been jealous before but she's better now. She wouldn't lie, she wouldn't cheat. I've said this before. You just see this mean person but I didn't believe it. When I first saw her, I thought she was bitter, determined, and motivated. She was a little cruel with her apathy on the Ouran students' work ;; but other than her usual coldness, she didn't seem like a bad person. She may be cold and intimidating, but she is a nice woman! She even wanted to help Tamaki. Jealousy makes someone look bad. I thought you knew this. And yet, you still hated on her. So what if she separated Haruhi and I? We weren't really separated so it's fine. Tamaki and I know it wasn't harmful. I was just concerned about Haruhi's anger at me before Eclair held me back from rushing after Haruhi. Did you even think about Eclair as a person? Did you see past her general traits?

Look, let's use Kyoya as an example. If he's a host, do you see him as that? Sorry, idiotic question. We must use a similar trait situation! Purely hypothetically, if Kyoya were often cynical, cold, neglecting, and manipulative, would you dislike him? Because Eclair is often cold and cruel and you disliked her. I told Kyoya that only Haruhi (and our guests) thinks of him as the Shadow King. The other guys and I don't. That's not the title we give him at all. We don't even know about it! The title is in Haruhi's mind. When he slipped the Bali brochure on my desk, all we think is "Oh! Sweet, this is a great idea!!" and we won't wonder about Kyoya or care. We know he's a cunning guy. So what? It's not a big deal. That is who our friend is. I told him that his usual traits, his calmness, is what we usually think of him as when we think of him. Sorry but he's not "evil" all the time for us to think of him as the Shadow King. Plus, we're scared of him being clever ;;; that's not enough to label him as the Shadow King. I call him the Ice King because he's frigid to me and the hosts. He's scary because of all the passion he has when he's angry, which is cool and slightly unfortunate at the same time, but he's not evil. The word "evil" has ease of access is all. ...By the way, he is all those things. He is cynical (greedy), cold and uncaring (neglecting when he ignores his friends) and he's good at manipulations (he's king of chess)!

If he was usually mean most of the time, I don't know if many people would see who he is as a real person, a 3D character. Eclair and my grandmother are not flat or static characters. "Cruel" is not their only trait. I don't understand why I'm one of the few people who looked past the women's usual surfaces to understand who they are. Maybe it is my naivety on "no one can be that bad" because no one is until they prove me wrong. I will mentally mark that they aren't very nice and move on with my life. You're innocent until proven guilty, right? You're a decent person. You haven't shoved me down stairs very rudely. -smiles- You just don't particularly love me with warmth. Just because someone thinks of me as their frienemy doesn't mean I do as well. I disregard the "enemy" in "frienemy" because it doesn't exist to me in my POV of the person. I will always treat them well because I never saw them as my enemy and I'm always nice to them because they're my friend. Because we're friends, I focus on only that and don't regret my kind behaviour. I could seem like I'm groveling, eg: by giving a massage or being nice after being smacked, but I'm not. I just really see them as my friend and nothing else. I know they don't love me but they still like me a little, enough to be my friend, so I'm nice to them (because why not?). I'm not a bad person. Maybe they will change their mind. I will always want to help and care about them. Some people might think they don't deserve it, but they deserve happiness. They're not complete enemies, you know. Just partial. They still like me. They have their good reasons for not completely liking me yet.

...For Grandmother, it's a little different. She does less than pleasant things but I love her. She's family. There is nothing you could say because there is nothing else.

She's kind of cruel, but that's her, and I love my grandmother. What part is confusing? She didn't do things very nicely. So? Haven't you ever made a mistake? Haven't you ever seen things wrongly? Haven't you been desperate and done something the only way you know how and the only way you have left? She is a grandmother. I thought you knew elderly people are set in their ways? It's against their will; it just happens sometimes where they cannot change their views or habits. You don't understand Grandmother at all. I understood this from the anime - she has her reasons. Maybe it's my naivety again, but I'm staying by my opinion. She is the Head of my family. She knows what she's doing and we all respect her. Why wouldn't you? : ) Your parents taught you to be nice to your elders

I really dislike it when fans don't like her. I don't want to hear it. Tamaki doesn't want to hear. Frankly, we want to remove any words from existence. Since we can't do that, we just look away. We don't pretend you didn't say anything, but we ignore it. We seemingly tolerate you, because we're nice, because it's your opinion, even though it's not a very nice one. I know you're "defending me," but you really don't have to and I'm sorry to inform you that you're incorrectly "protecting" me.

Pardon me, but you are not her grandson/granddaughter. I know you care about me and support me, but if you really did, you would never let your accusations out of your mind or have them in the first place. You don't understand my feelings or Grandmother's feelings. Why can't you love her like I do? Does she have to be nice for you to change your mind? If yes, you shouldn't be allowed to be friends with her when you were once cruel to her.

Grandmother is Grandmother. She's cruel like that. That's who she is. If you can't accept that, then please close your mouth. She is kind in her own way and I'm sorry no one might know and understand this. They miss out on a wonderful and wise woman.

Very true, she does not care about what you have to say about her, but I do. I will not let you talk ill about her while I'm still here to defend her. (No one likes a bully) She's a frail old woman - what are you doing? May I remind you that I am not hurt by her? You don't need to say/do anything. Even if I were hurt, you still shouldn't do anything because she's important to me. (Just like how your friend shouldn't want to harm your future spouse, out of jealousy, and won't because he/she knows you care about your spouse and how much he/she means to you.)

I have had a sad childhood, I suppose, but I have a good family.

My father is a good man. Kyoya, your father is a good man. I don't understand why some people don't think so. Maybe it's because they don't live as us and they don't have our lives (childhood included). Our guests/fans (manga/anime originals) and hosts understand, and some of it is politeness, but our readers (rl fans) might not. They might forget who they're talking to... We belong to some of most powerful corporations...-shakes head- Sorry, not the topic. Your father is cold in a good way! ...Er, that doesn't make sense to normal people but you know what I mean (^O^)/ -cups his chin- Actually, the twins and senpais understand too.

For the school festival: I didn't have the time to say this to all of you, but after she said even if I wash my "filth," it doesn't matter. -softly smiling- I never understand why my father's decision to chose my mother, the person he loves, could make so many people unhappy, even to the extent of someone disliking me, due to "love," due to what happened. It's terrible and confusing. My mother told me Grandmother doesn't hate me and that she could never. My mother was the one she didn't like. She said it was okay but she still seemed sad to me, so I didn't really understand. She was honest, but I got the feeling something was wrong. ...Ha ha, but if I could -rubs the back of his head- I would tell Grandmother I'm sorry : D She regarded me as nothing but my mother's son at the beginning of the festival, but I can't change what has already been done. I was born seventeen years ago sweatdrop I don't apologise for my birth or currently living, but I apologise that she can't change something to make her happy. For that, I'm sorry but I will try and make her happy now! That's what my parents, my Grandmother herself, and I would want. No one would decline an ability to feel happier, right? : D

By pointing out the negatives of Grandmother, is there something you would like me to see or understand? I'm her grandson. I met her before you did. -slight laugh- You don't think/believe I would not know what kind of person she is? I do! Very much. You don't think I know about Grandmother's reasonable behaviour of treating me that way? I don't blame her. I don't hold a grudge on her. This is not my fault, my mother's fault, my father's fault, or my grandmother's fault. It is just what happened (my parents got married and bore a son) and their personalities make them act accordingly.

I once found this horrifying news... A fan, someone, one person, she wrote she didn't like my father. (She had seen the anime and manga and still thought so) That he was the least likable person or the most awful person...? I stared at the sentence. I felt stunned yet calm. "What...?" I understand my grandmother, but my father?? The man who taught me about my current interests of Japanese culture, business, and life? The man who assured me he's always thinking of his family even when in Japan? The man who, with my mother, raised me well and always showed me love and support? The man who held me and played with me when I bawled as a child? The man who teases me out of affection and is annoying that way? The man I know who still and will always take care of his son, who shows unnecessary and embarrassing affection at any time he wants? Angry, upset, and unable to look at the sentence anymore -- I felt like crying -- I exited the window, walked away from my desk, and left my room. I didn't speak to anyone for a while. -grimaces, containing his emotions- This discovery was months ago. The sadness was short for both of us because I had to get over a fictional statement to continue with my life/Gaia. I shouldn't have seen it in the first place so it doesn't exist. -shadowed eyes- It bothered me very much... You aren't his son. -incredibly hurt and slightly confused, he grips his hair- You don't understand anything...about him or me even after your analysis...!! -lightly furrows his eyebrows, barely shaking his head- They're making baseless accusations... -covers one side of his face in frustration, grimacing- In that way... Why?! I couldn't believe those words. I didn't believe it... -calming down, he softly frowns- I might never forgive that person. This isn't logic. It's not reality.

-sniff- Handkerchief... -wanders to the bathroom to dry his eyes and clean up his face; returns with his hands in his pockets, somewhat frowning, calm, and confused-

To support me? Why...? -briefly closes his eyes- I thought I would ask Kyoya for this favor, but I ended up doing this (defending) soon myself. After I read that statement, and I thought the abuse to Grandmother was hurtful enough, I didn't even expect this, I had wanted to ask Kyoya to say something when I wouldn't be able to. He understands me, even without the rough draft I gave him using only my memory and emotions to feel truly upset about something Tamaki and I feel the same towards. I thought my argument might not matter coming from me. I thought...if someone else said something, it would help more. Be more convincing or impactful. -small smile- But, perhaps, Kyoya and Haruhi are the only ones who understand me the most... -glances at and chuckles, slowly grinning- What is everyone sad about? Smile! There's nothing wrong. I just wanted to tell you how I feel : ) And Kyoya already knows (^O^)/

-softly smiles, absentminded- I just don't understand. I understand why they feel that way and yet I don't because they shouldn't feel that way... Am I strange? It makes sense.

I respect their opions, but I think it's unnecessary. There's no need to dislike these people. : /

...You heard Kaoru badmouth Akito-san. You told him not to. You understand. You're the same way towards people you care about, though this isn't mentioned in the King's Knight entry. You have a nice family, Kyoya. I wonder if anyone else thinks so.

My mun and I are family men. I rejected the post and website, I didn't want to think about it. It was a new "low." I couldn't tolerate it. I was too bothered, hurt, and angry. "I had wanted to ask Kyoya to say something when I wouldn't be able to." But that's a bad idea. It's good I didn't. If he had explained, if anyone explained, it would have defeated our (the hosts', Tamaki's, and my) private understanding of my feelings...so I'm a little sorry, but part of me has to say something.