If I really think about it, I don't even want to talk to a medical doctor because I feel really stupid. I've already been embarrassed and ashamed enough as is on completely unrelated notes when dealing with my supervisors that I'm pretty unwilling at this point to talk to anyone. My non-confrontational side that peaks only about 10% of the time is really holding me back. I'd rather keep it inside. I'm not a self-destructive person but I feel really dark when I'm at work and for about 2 hours after work. It takes those 2 hours to calm down and by then, I still haven't satisfied my urge to be awake and get stuff done that I need to do or even just sit around. By this point it's already late and I have to be at work only 9.5 hours later and I haven't even begun the process of winding down and what not.
Also, thinking more about why talking to someone in the military is a bad idea is because of the amount of rumors that go around. If even one person knew, everyone would know and besides that, it would stick with me the rest of my life, branding me for whatever I am worth. If I moved to a new unit and we were to deploy, my issues would be brought up. I'd probably still be deployed but all of my NCO's would be discussing it and they would all know and look at me funny. There just isn't anyone I can talk to that I'd feel comfortable talking with. I don't want words of pity on how things will get better. I don't want the words of someone telling me not to commit suicide. I'm not going to even if the thought has crossed my mind. I'm morbid so of course it's crossed my mind a few times. I even have a bruise fetish when I see bruises on arms or legs. I'll always be living for the metaphoric tomorrow, when things will get better. Maybe one day I'll be able to speak up and talk to someone and maybe they can fix me. Maybe it is all just deployment stress from being cooped up with complete retards. Maybe it'll all just go away. Just Maybe.
♥A Minority is powerless while it conforms to the majority♥