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battlefield pt. 2
I can now understand why they say love is distracting. Before you, I could focus on my movies, on my reading. I still have all of these leftover habits: checking my phone, checking Gaia, checking FB. I shouldn't be presenting myself as so vulnerable right now, but ******** it, that's one thing I like about myself. I'm never afraid to be raw, to be vulnerable, to be honest. I've never believed in holding back, and this scares people. Maybe it's because I've had so much experience with loved ones almost dying. One loved one. My mom. Did I ever tell you how many times I came home since I was thirteen to find that she'd tried to kill herself again? Why I used to feel afraid every time I put my key in the lock. Why I have to tell people that I love them whenever I hang up the phone, hug them whenever we leave, part on a good note. And then there's Richard and Tara. I don't even remember my last conversation with her, I wish I did. But I'm getting off subject. The cruelest thing to do to someone is to give them any lingering hope. A little hope can be beneficial. A lot can be dangerous. You gave me some to work with, or maybe I invented it. Either way, in my head, in my little actions, I'm still yours in every way. I have friends, I have my own life, I'm going to be in college relatively soon. I'm not sure if what you want to hear would be that I've learned anything from this break-up. Whether I've learned that you're "not my whole life" or something like that. Well, I knew that before. Maybe I phrased it wrong. It doesn't matter. Maybe you'd just want me to be honest, like I always am. The truth is, I don't know. I'm conflicted. I've got things that fill my days and my thoughts and feed my soul that aren't consumed by you, yeah, that's true. Most days I'm pretty happy, or I'm okay. I can't say what I want to say. I'm afraid. I'm afraid to lose you anymore than I already have.
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