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I was going to write something kind of insightful
    but I've honestly forgotten what. that never really happens to me.

    we put up christmas lights here at Castle Meyer. it looks kind of half-assed and pathetic, since we only had enough for one tree/bush outside. but for half-assery, it's still nice. it's also indicative of something bigger, since Jer and I were laying outside and looking at the stars sometime in March talking about how we wanted this year to be different, to actually decorate and try to feel festive.

    we actually did something we said we'd do. and it was Jan who mailed him the lights, which is just so lovely to me. I know it's weird to ship people irl, but Jan and Jer are totally my rl OTP. they need to get married already. shh I didn't say nuffin'.

    it's weird, my grandmother keeps asking to take me shopping or just something so she can give me something for christmas, but I say no every time. I don't know what I want. that's a lie, I do, but money can't buy those things. and I just can't really think of anything materialistic I want. seriously, my mind just draws these huge blanks. idk, nicer and more elaborate combat boots maybe? something for my room, now that I keep it clean and nice? I dunno. I'll think of something. Kesha's Deconstructed EP would be pretty awesome. so not ashamed to say that I'm a huge Kesha fan. I have weird taste in music. shitty, even. whatever though.

    it'll be so weird not spending all of my money on drugs. maybe that's why I can't think of what I'd like to buy.

it's a little late for parents
    But sometimes I feel like an orphan. I never had the most stable family life. I lost my mother before I realised how much I needed her. And I'm not speaking of her death. I'm speaking of the Great Loss, the one of her mind. It happened when I was about thirteen, that she wouldn't come back, that she couldn't. I don't remember the last time Timmy and I had a real conversation. And my blood-father? He's useless. Anyway, I think I'm more scared of finding resemblances between Howard Bell andI because then I'd have to re-evaluate where Timmy fits into my life and who I really am. I'm afraid, also, of caring about him. Eventually we have to lose people. But there's still this hole inside of me. My past, my history. Native American culture. Our tribe. I don't know any of it.

    I miss my mom. I've been having nightmares every single night. I'm tired and sad. I just need some sleep.

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