Rambles:
Portal of Age:
Sitting down in an open portal stuck in both the worlds of the teen and the world of adults I begin to wonder where I want to be, what I want to do. Teens think of wonderance and getting away from school to become their true selves, though adults.... Adults try there hardest to assimilate into the "norm" of what they are supposed to be and try to keep jobs and attend schooling as much as possible...
I thought of remaining a teen but realized the bitter truth, they have no rights and no say. And if I remain a teen in though for my whole life I will not advance in any aspect i have ever wished upon... Though...
If I become a "norm" adult and get a job, attend schooling to better myself, and just be a person people look at and go "Now that! That is an American." I would be ashamed. I am only 17 and have one year left before I become this so called "adult"... At first I was excited and went "YAY! One more year till I can be on my own! And prove I am my own person!" Then I began to think... I looked over what that entitled and just what would be expected of me...
After a good while of thinking I grew a weird fear of becoming that submissive adult who allows to be trumpled on by even the most stupid of ideas because everyone else was following it. I sat there with that immediate thought and literally went to my friend: "YAY! One year to be an adult... WAIT!... ********! Adults Are Idiots!" I remember a old saying how: "The person is smart, but people as a whole are stupid." I don't want to be a teen because I have no freedoms... But I don't want to become and adult because I will lose all my freedoms by giving them away.
Most teens go into adulthood and are so called "immature" and fight how the system acts until it is beaten into them or it becomes to hard to formulate their own lifestyle and give up what they believe just to take the easy road. Kind of like, vision you were on the road to life and there is a fork in the road. One sign says "Give up your freedoms, let us tell you what you want, be like everyone else, and you get an easy life." And the other sign says "Rough road ahead, but freedoms may be saved and you can be yourself." The easy road has money, and is radient with wealth... But it is boring. The rough road is black, scary and somewhat dangerous... but more worth living.
I know it is stupid to push the easy road away... Push away all the safety it provides... Push away all the easiness and laid back it allows you to have but... I rather be stupid and myself then smart and just like everyone else.
I rather fight for my beliefs then have them covered up by the so called "right way". I rather fight for understanding then for "safety". I rath make laws and rules to keep freedom then to "protect rights"... I rather be free then live in a place shrouded in chains. "A man is born free, but everywhere he turns there are chains." I don't know why but I feel this way so bad right now. Can't do anything I chose because of a simple "rule" or "law" that is pointless to begin with.
The more rules and laws you make the more likly they are to be broken... Well... I guess I might as well break a new "law" or "rule" of this damned life. As I sit here in this portal from teen to adulthood... This portal we made up just to distingish yet one more group of people from another... I think I will stay here. Stay where at least I have a little freedom. And sure people will laugh when they read this and wonder what my point is. Well to you, there is none... For you already chose a side.
Shadow:
I sit in the darkness as it engulfs me. No one knows that I am there, and no one cares. My very soul screams out to them, but is muffled by the great distance it puts itself, even though they stand less than a foot away. They look at me yet they never see me.
They see a young women. She is smiling, laughing and making everything happy for everyone, though inside she is dead. Cold, Desolate, Mistakened, Hurt, Scarred... And so on. Ever possible and grand way you can name the dead that is me. When I smile, it is mostly fake. When I laugh it is to please others not myself. When I dream... It is only on others capibilities not my own.
I may look like I am here, but really I am not. I am beyond hte term gone and will most likly never return. My soul became a waste land as cold as ice. My heart shattered into over a million pieces. My voice scratches away at the very weep of a whisper. Though no one notices these things. They can't here the true sorrow in my voice, so the unshedded tear in my eyes. They just see a young women, laughing, smiling, dancing, and dreaming up fantasies of a perfect life.
But really to them... I am nothing but their shadow.
Creates the Undead:
Deep in the hounding sea I hear the song cross my hidden soul. It doesn't play of love, happiness, sorrow, hope, or faith. The song has little to do with life, death, dreams, or even of a bitter sweet love. The song is familiar, yet I have never heard of it before, though it continues to play as if nothing else holds onto its true inner being. Almost as if a separate life force entering mine, it chills me, yet I do not have any goose bumps or shivers. Like an unseen icy covering it begins to take hold of me.
Worse than death, harder than life, longer than the soul can live… It consumes me. A cold stubborn numbness that grasps all parts of me to where I have no control to stop it, as if I am becoming caged within my own life. Not a cage others set up, nor a cage that I can free myself from. I didn't notice it forming, growing, consuming… Until it was to late. Sure I feel happiness, pain, hope, faith, love, and I understand I am living, but I feel as if I am dead.
I can get slapped, hit, thrown, abandoned, yelled, pushed, pulled... Near anything. I notice the pain, but I don't feel it. My reflexes tell me: "Owe Stop!" But I don't truly feel it. I don't know why I am so cold on the inside, nor why the song continues everyday waking, and sleeping hour. Is this my fate?
I rest my hand over my chest… I feel the heart beating… I feel my lungs expanding… But I can't put it together. Can one be alive if their body works but their soul is closed off? Are they alive if they can sense, but not feel? How can you push to far when life itself seems to close off everything from you? Why is life considered a game, when at least games have rules?
So many questions. I can fill all the books in the world with questions. Max out the internet with questions. Cover the planet, everything… All technology, space, time… With these unanswered questions. I should stop from thinking about these things and move on but they consume me. The song it sends over this hounding sea of life consumes me. Consumes my soul… Creates the undead.
Traveling:
I sat on a darkened road looking for something, anything new to cross my path. Hope, dreams, death, faith, a person, an animal, even a gust of wind to cross my face... ANYTHING! Though nothing came.
Nothing will ever come I guess. All I can do is sit here and wait for nothing but the end. No use in waiting for hope, dreams, death, faith, a person, an animal.. or anything. They will just disappear.
Once they appear only thing for them to do is disappear. Everything in life experiences the opposite.
A person is born... They die to only be forgotten in a few years...
A person hopes... They become broken learning nothing can get done...
A person dreams... They awaken to the reality of broken dreams....
A person believes... They realize it was only a lie all along...
This follows souls... Crashing them... Burning them... Distroying them... And oddly I laugh. I laugh at their pain. I laugh at their false hopes, dreams, faith... and I laugh at who they want to be knowing it will be gone in the end. I laugh at how hard a person tries only to get knocked down and put into place.
Some are even daring to ask why I laugh. I say it simple and clear: "Because I am not you!" Stomps them for a while, and some even till their own death. Few even begin to hate me from those words, though it becomes forgotten with eveything else they hope for within the pitiful life of theirs.
I am not a person. I am not an animal. I am not living nor am I dead. I have no hopess. I have no dreams, no faith... I have nothing, but oddly I am better off. I know I can never die if I chose not to. Death by physical means is a minor step in this world... My spirit will never die.
I don't have hope, because I know I will suceed. Same reason as why I don't have dreams, a fear of death, or even faith. I am ME, nothing more or less. So I remain here sitting. Looking out over the excistant world, with a smile of sadness.
I have hope for the people here. I have dreams for the people here. I have a fear of death for the people here. I have faith for the people here. Mainly because even though I am traveling I have yet to find another strong enough to challenge the worlds make up. I need to have these things for the people here because I am not sure they will win.
I guess all I can do is take up my bag with everyone I meet. And continue traveling...
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KurayamiYoshido
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