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Does anyone understand this? |
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Usually, when something bothers me or I get upset, I just bottle it up inside me. I never let anyone know my pain. I think that its my burden, and I should deal with it. For the last couple of weeks, Ive gone through something so heartbreaking, I cant even begin to describe it. Ive never felt such pain and misery in my life. Now, thats saying something. I mean, Ive had my mother try to slit my throat, Ive been beaten, raped, tortured, and mentally abused. With all of that, I still.. I cant... Ive never felt anything like this. When I try to think about the depth of the pain I feel inside, it physically hurts me. Seriously hurts me. I shiver and almost throw up. If it wasnt for my strong will, I would be in bed sick and crying. But, I wont let myself. I cant let it get to me. I dont know how I will let my full bottle empty itself, but I cant stop now. Im so close to taking Maegan on her trip. Shes done so much for me, I wont let my angst get in the way of her birthday vacation. So.. Im not sure what to do. I guess thats why Im writing this. I need to get this all off my chest. I need to vent.
well, what I actually need.. I cant have. Ever. Its not a want, its a need. And it hurts so much for it to be right there... and then know I cant have it. Drives me insane. Well no, not insane, it drives me to tears and sickness. How can I move on? How can I let go? I dont want to feel this way anymore! I want to forget!! With every part of my being I want to forget!! I havent prayed since someone close to me died... and lately.. Ive been praying everyday. more than everyday, like.. every few hours.
God, please! Help me move on! Help me forget it all... help me feel alive again. Help me pick up the pieces of my dying heart and try to get through the rest of this ******** up life!
Theres nothing else I can think of to describe how I feel.. I dont even think this post makes any sense at all. I cant see the screen of my laptop... Im crying. I dont know if I even wrote any coherent sentences. Did I? Im so lost. Im broken and weary, unable to find my way in life. All I can do is take it day by day... throw myself into work. Im working 50+ hours, and its still not enough to occupy my mind. My body is giving out from under me. I cant tell Maegan.. I cant tell anyone. I cant tell them that I dont know what Im doing, that my muscles are sore and spasming, that I have a fever almost everyday, that I cant sleep... WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME!?
Ive resorted to drinking coffee (which I HATE by the way..) to keep me awake during the day. When I get home from work, Im so... just.. anxious, that I do laundry, or clean the kitchen, or I just sit there and fidget. Im smoking alot more.. and I mean ALOT. Im back to a pack a day now.. which makes me angry cuz I was down to 2 cigarettes a day... But the nicotine calms me... I cant quit. God, Im just rambling on and on and on. I guess, the thing that bothers me the most, is I have no one to look to for comfort. Im vulnerable... and I hate that feeling. I dont want to let anyone in. I dont want to get hurt anymore. Maybe.. just maybe if I stop feeling, I can actually try to live. Does anyone know how to do that? Please tell me if you know how to shut your heart off to the world and be emotionless. I would be forever grateful if someone knew... If not, then oh well... Back to being used.
Rikyu_Kyokoutou · Fri Feb 10, 2006 @ 10:48am · 1 Comments |
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