where am i going?...i ran from drugs for so long...then fell prey to them...and now i'm just fresh out of a detox center just wishing that i could go back. back to the streets and the drugs. but how dumb is that? i mean it's so cold out there and i just want to go back to sleeping in a graveyard...and all that? it doesn't make any sense. and then for me to want to do that even after the doctor told me that i wouldn't live to see christmas? what am i thinking? or is my brain even working? i miss nathan...but he's in jail...and his court date isn't until the 24th...and what happens if i die and he's in jail. i need nathan more and more...but i don't have a job...nor the 796 dollars to get him out. i want him out tho. not that i don't like eric...this guy i'm seeing now...i mean eric is sweet....but i love nathan. i just know that nate is bad for me. i mean i was hooked on meth for 2 months...and od-ed about seven times with him. and now because of that i'm dying. without nate. i don't know what to do...i'm confused on the inside...i mean i like eric. i do. but he's no nathan. nathans a man...and know's how to take care of me. he showed me that a man is to take care of the woman not the other way around. he told me that no man should abuse a woman in anyway...and he taught me how to love again. with out nathan...i wouldn't be here where i am today. i would probably still be hating on some poor guy somewhere. hahaha. then there's something wrong with my sister...but because i was in rehab she didn't want to bother me with it....but i know it's something bad...she was in tears the last i called her. i don't know what's wrong tho. and it bugs me to peices.
i'm sitting here looking at my life...and i ask myself. where the ******** am i going? i wanted to go back to college....but can't afford to...can't get a job cuz i can't pass a piss test...and then even when i can i don't have an id...that will take 6 months to get...and then i have this....one month threat...and that means i can't have a family...like me and nate planned...but then even then my nathan is in the jail...and i can't go see him because i don't have an id...and then i can only write him...and the people are so screwy that they read anything i write him before hand. it's like a violation of privacy. i need my nathan back...but i don't want to let eric down. eric needs me...it's like we complete each other. but i honestly don't know what i would do if nate promised me he would quit using...i don't know if i would go back to him and break erics heart...or stay with eric and know that my love is making an effort to get clean. and me not be there for him. my life is a mess. and all because even tho i swore to myself...i would never do drugs...my life is a wreck because of them. meth...coke...pills...herion...and so many more...i can't believe i did all that. just in this past year. then for me and john to have such a violent past....for him to get mad that i want to know where he's deploying? is that really such a bad thing? i think i deserve to know...but then again maybe i don't. he hates me for leaving his cheating a**...so whatever.
so i guess that's my rant for now...
goodnight and good luck.
shoot me down but i will return,
kill my heart and you won't see me again.
 ashtii26 · Mon Dec 07, 2009 @ 12:14am · 0 Comments |
