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I can't help but think that im just a burden, or a charity case to all I know.
I mean, every time i get into an argument with my friends, one of them has to bring up the fact that I am basically a social outcast, just because I do not purchase expensive ******** clothes, for the sake of getting the acceptance of my peers.
My comrades also like to poke fun at the fact that I have ADHD, or that it doesn't exist and i use it as an excuse.
I NEVER use it as an excuse. I don't want special treatment, or anything like that.
I don't even bring it up, unless the situation is relevant.
They even call me stupid for not thinking like them, or when i want to do what I want.
I don't know why i care what the say, but maybe its because its the truth.
I mean, I really don't care what I wear to some extent.
I mean, if its not an issue with my jeans, its an issue with my socks, and if its not my socks, its my shirt. I just cannot win.
They say that i will never get any respect dressing like i do....and they say this with their jeans hanging half off their a**.
Maybe im just a backwards person, maybe i just don't belong amongst people who are so damned focus on what i wear, that they almost miss everything else about me.
They also mock me for how i act. Apparently telling the truth isn't cool when the time calls for the truth. Apparently it's cool to have the same opinion as everyone else. Apparently its cool to give a s**t what people say about your clothes.
I really ******** hate being a teenager.
No matter what I do, I'm going to disappoint someone. And the people at stake are my parents, my friends, my family, and myself.
No matter who i try and cater to, i always end up disappointing someone.
And all of this makes me paranoid to the point where i think someone is always gossiping about me as i walk by. And every time i hear that someone called me strange or weird. And knowing this, every time someone tries to be nice to me, I can't trust them, because part of me thinks that they are pitying me. Its so hard to tell if my friends are truly friends, or just people who think i am a charity case.
I just want to be accepted for who I am, without being judged on how i dress, or how i think. I have a "friend" who calls my insights stupid if they don't conform to his own....I hate him so much sometimes, and then it occurred to me that im just like him...and almost everyone hates him.
And in realizing that he and I are so similar, i constantly try and change myself, but i just can't do it. I'm a mess, and I know it.
Optimism is starting to fail me as a tool, and I am starting to sound like what I hate the most: An emo kid.