It's quiet.
Too quiet? I don't know. Silence is such a relief, in a way.
No whining. No turmoil, thrashing about. No forcing oneself not to kill people. No battling with overwhelming endeavors...
That's the way it's been all summer. Certainly, I've kicked back and relaxed my muscles. Maybe even regained strength. Gained knowledge. I'm still doing my self-evaluation.
I don't freak out as easily. I'm not as easily moved by sad, stressful, frustrating things. It's almost as if I'm becoming, very gradually, immune. I feel happiness to the fullest, but more and more, I am learning to turn my negative emotions around. I thank God for this - certainly, I dare not take all the credit for my summer of peace.
But perhaps...it is the calm before the storm. I haven't pondered that much, but I'm learning to trust, and the first thing I'm going to do is trust that, in the event that there WILL be a huge storm, God will hold me by the hand and lead my through it.
My innocence...My delight...my muted self, my humility and meekness...it gradually returns. I don't draw attention to myself, and I like it that way. The fact that I don't spend much time with friends doesn't bother me. For a long time, I haven't complained about anything. I like it when I don't feel the need to complain. It is important to release your feelings...this is true. But, for me, all my complains are done in private, where there is always a ready listener - my God. My Lord. My Savior. My Guardian Angel.
*Smiles a little* I should probably be worried about my projects...but, something occurred to me: One summer without projects completed is not going to stop God from using me for His Glory.
So, for the first time in my life, I'm not afraid to take discipline. I'm not afraid to fall - to "fail".
When I was trying to learn how to roller skate, I was very scared of falling, and my ability to learn was hindered. Time after time, I would cling to the walls, embarrassed and ashamed that I could not skate alone, but terribly afraid of falling down if I tried to. What it took for me to more powerfully want to skate properly and do it without the wall was falling down, and realizing that, although it hurt...I wasn't done for. It hurt for a little while...but that was it.
That was it.
I have encountered a great episode of pain in my life that thus far has made everything else I have ever experienced of sorrow, anger, grief, or hurt pale in comparison. It has given me endurance...and for this, I am glad. I am glad for trials that are overcome...
...for they really do make you not only stronger...
but bolder...
...with a big, fat smile on your face.
View User's Journal
 |
