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Jealousy is the hardest poison to deal with. It makes the mind speaks regretful remarks and see things wrongly. Taking away the calmness, it makes individuals hasty. Most of all, it kills the heart slowly with no one to blame but the person who felt it.
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I have a story that I have been wanting to tell you. But that story can't be told just beause you ask for it. That story cannot be told just because you're bored. Not definitely because you wanted to hear it. I have been wanting to tell you this story. I am uncertain however if I want you to accept it or just shut me down in the process. I wanted to tell you a story but this story can't be force to surface. I will tell you this when you are ready to listen. For listening is not possible without understanding. I just wish it would come with acceptance. I wanted to tell you this story for this story is my story and everything there is to know about me. ________________
I wanted to get rid of thoughts of you. I hope you're not thinking that you're the only one who's in a difficult situation. I'm suffering because of my love for you. This isn't your fault I know. Perhaps you're thinking of when will I stop dwelling in the past and move on. If I could pick an easy path believe me, I would forget about this feeling I have for you. However, it has grown to be apart of me that discarding it now wouldn't spare me from any pain. Even so some point in time I might do just that, you'll be happy right? Does everything that's happening now flatter you? I wonder how many times will I get hurt because of your low self-esteem. There are times I wonder that's really the case. Maybe I'm suffering because of your kindness. After all, up to now you haven't rejected me. That's the reason why I started to think that being cruel to a person may be the kindest thing you can do for him.
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But I guess I couldn't expect that from the person I love. He wouldn't even talk to me. He wouldn't listen to whatever I want to say. It doesn't matter how many times I say it. I wonder if he doubts me. I couldn't blame him for whatever he has chosen to do even if that pains me. I couldn't blame him for I have come to love him without his permission. I couldn't blame him for my love for him is almost a sin that I could only cry in my heart. I couldn't blame him for maybe I don't know him well enough to love him. Maybe I don't know him well enough for him to accept whatever love I have to offer. I can think of a thousand more reasons why he's like that and why he keeps ignoring me but not one of those reasons would be significant if he wouldn't tell me himself.
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What will come after rejection?When there's hate and resentment there will surely be revenge. But what about when love remains pure and true after the sad occurrence?What will come next?Will the heart ever forget about the love that it wish to impart?Will the person go forth and continue when there's so much love he wants to offer and that love is only for that one person? Will there be another person to come and change that predicament?Or will the heart forever bear the emptiness of an unrequited love?
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It's hard to be back on square one... to start all over again. Waiting for something to happen indefinitely. Waiting for people to start acting like you want them to. Waiting for what you've wished for to come true; when from the start it seems that the universe is conspiring against you. And while you wait for that thing to happen, you're in doubt if that's what you really want since it could turn out otherwise. You would like to make it happen for that's how you really live your life, making things happen for you; now, you sit patiently and wait for your cue. A cue that may never come at all. Then, what you've been avoiding happened quicker than a blink. You looked back. You went back to the time you think you were at your worst. You were complaining all the time that you didn't see it was the best place to be. So you drifted. You've lost you're space when you left the line. It didn't wait for you. It wasn't patient. It wasn't eager. There was no commitment. So you ask yourself, why does it matter now? What's different now? It was all lost. Your ticket has expired. You've lost your chance. They've found their happiness when you were drifting elsewhere. Did you really think someone would be missing their trip to wait for you? They don't owe you anything. They are not like you. They're not passive. They don't exist just for you. The moment you figured this out, it's already too late. They already have someone to share their seat with and it's probably for a lifetime. Then you ask,why now? It's not like you've just realize their worth. Rather, why did you arrive in that point too late? That's probably why you're on the side while the other is chatting happily with that person. You've missed the right heat. It was always there and you've taken it for granted. It was all you. You deprived yourself of the happiness you've been searching for. It wasn't the destination, it was the trip itself that matters. At that time, you stopped yourself from thinking too much. You're jumpy. To calm yourself you repeated the magic words, "Whatever happens is written; anything that doesn't isn't meant to be". Now, that you're finally awaken from your slumber, fall in line,get the ticket and don't miss another trip... so that you wont have to lie to yourself again.
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I blew a wish as the rain poured. If things were simple enough, I would lose my memory and become a new person. If I am lucky enough, that new me is the me that I always wanted. If I turned out not to be that lucky, I will just forget about everything but will remain the same in all aspects. But I couldn't care less about that. For as long as I'll be able to forget, anything is fine with me. ________________
After a long time, a chapter of my life has come to close. I thought I wouldn't be this weak. I don't like being weak. I don't want to look pathetic. Still, I failed to stop the tears from falling. There was nothing surprising about what happened. In fact, it was very much expected. The pain that followed however wasn't. It's funny how I am still hurting even though I have expected this. Perhaps this is because even though I knew from the start that it would turn out this way there was this hope that it wouldn't. There was nothing that I could do about it for that hope was beyond my reach. Today however, all the hope I had was crushed by that single blow. Now, all I could wish for is for what others said is true. The sooner you get it over with, the sooner you'll move on. After this day, there's nowhere to go but forward.
Today, I'm bleeding. From the blood I shed and the wounds I received, a stronger warrior will be formed. And that warrior wouldn't lose anymore.
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aitenshi16 · Sun Jul 06, 2008 @ 03:06am · 0 Comments |
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