If I may possibly go on without sleeping I would. It always seems to elude me, and I’m not really ecstatic to lie down. I hate lying on the bed for hours. I'm not fond of being left alone in a room that is enveloped with darkness. I don’t like to entertain the thoughts of how I’ve been living my life. I just want to stop thinking but the darkness doesn’t help.
I refused to remember when the first time that I couldn’t look at myself was. It was just one ordinary day, when I realized I couldn’t, at least not the way I used to. I realized that all of my dreams fade away.
Someone says that’s what’s most beautiful in the person is his spark. I’m not really sure what that is but it’s clear to me that whatever it is I don’t have it. Maybe I left it somewhere. I don’t know. If there’s anything I could do to redeem mine or gain a new one I would be delighted.
Pulse. Heartbeat. Breathing. Whenever I doubt if I’m still living, I check for those. Yet after realizing I have them all, I still wonder if I’m alive. I cannot be certain regardless of those signs. This isn’t how it’s supposed to be. I wake up in the morning wanting to know and feel the difference of this day from the others that passed. At the end of it, I couldn’t. I failed.
I’ll lay down thinking that tomorrow will be different. I’ll close my eyes with hopes that during my sleep something will change within me and filled this emptiness. I’ll sleep to get away from it all.
I don’t feel alive. I don’t think I belong here. As I see and face the world, I am sure this is not what I want. If I may lock myself below the earth’s ground I would, just to escape this existence. I have become someone that I hate so much.
As a person I am one who think a lot. I am that someone who always analyze things. I managed to convince myself that life is full of risks and that I had to do things to feel alive. It’s no fun to be safe at all times. I believed that if others can get away with it so can I and if I stand corrected, I'll blame it on being human.
What I failed to realized was there are things that aren’t worth the risks. I managed to go far…to get away but I was unconscious then that it would take me deeper to misery and that I will be haunted by those things.
I can fool others but I can never fool myself. I can deny the facts and make up stories but I always know better. The web of lies I carefully crafted was the one that trapped me and tortured my soul. I thought I could get away and forget about it but as I laugh and smile or before I go to sleep, I feel that void within. I know that I will never be the same person again.
~*~ I blame the darkness for these thoughts. Nevertheless it is the only place where I can be and I am real. The pain, tears, sufferings, betrayals, regrets, hatred, lies, bitterness, glory, joy and love is behind that closed door where I am embraced by the darkness.
~*~ I wanted to write happy thoughts. A girl’s survival or triumph over this life. A couple’s happily ever after. The success of someone in finding that elusive true love or soul mate. A birth of a new born and the joy it brings to everyone. Death even, as means to end someone’s misery. I can picture them and play the scenes in my mind but I cannot put them into this journal.
~*~ This is somewhat an edited version of what I've written for our Morality class ~_~;; Fiction or not? I don't know.
~*~ Image by Sergei-Dragunov
aitenshi16 · Mon Jul 30, 2007 @ 08:36am · 0 Comments |