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Standing alone he walked.

Never sure who to trust or what was real he didn't bother to stop or ask for directions. Wanting to be lost, he kept up his slow trod. His heart had been broken and put back together but the pieces kept wanting to break apart. He looked at things differently and found that all the things that brought him comfort in his past ... didn't work the same anymore. Sure, he still laughed and joked... but it was different. It was all different.

Life consisted of a jumble of events that were slowly losing their hold on him until he finally just pulled away. He wanted to say he quit or broke free but it seemed it all depended on how you looked at it. Perception so it seemed. If he had been happy before and just grew sick of things then he could say he'd quit... while if he had been sad or under pressure he finally broke free. But his was a mixture of many things that all added up to naught. He had just decided to walk away.

He always used to follow his heart... and it seemed to guide him well. But what happens when you feel it break and the jagged edges grind inside of you. You feel the anger build and the sadness engulf it all making your stomach feel like a bog that just sucks everything in. It pulls at you and you feel the emptiness of the void and only anger can fight it back until that gives way to the slow suck once again. You cry your pillow wet and fight the feelings that spring up. You want to die but you know you can't even do that. To question your heart is to walk the brink of madness. So he walked.

All of these thoughts bounced around in his mind and he walked. He remembered good times and he remembered bad and reflected it all and tried to recapture the good... and found himself dwelling way too much upon the past. A person could say he was fighting his demons as he just walked bye. He wanted to be a good person but, when so much in the world was wrong and all his efforts to better the world around him turned to dust and ash, he found his will to keep trying slipping.

His heart had been patched back together and he guessed that was the only reason he found the energy to walk... to live. He had found a power able to fill the void completely and felt happiness, if only in brief flashes. He wished it could carry him farther and thought of his heart as a damaged vessel that filled with all the things that kept him alive, but leaked away slowly when he found himself alone. It probably didn't work that way but thats how he thought sometimes.

He wanted so badly to believe in something... to believe in love once again. The trouble was that he was still damaged and he had trouble trusting. He doubted instead of holding to his once unshakable faith. He was not the type to do something against another person or hold them responsible for his flaws... so he walked. Hope kept him walking... kept him thinking and dreaming. But he was afraid of the day when the dim light of his hope, like that of a candle's flame, blew out and left him still and alone. A darker person who's heart had died and all hope had been gutted from inside.

Walking helped a person think. It kept a person from stepping over the edge. It helped get all of the worries and feeling out and leave room to deal with everything that was to come. He had once heard from a very wise person that he should smile, because life would get worse. This saying means so many things that when he first heard it he laughed. It could be the single most important piece of advice he had ever heard. If you let life drag you down now you'll never find out what happens next. Smile when you think things are at their worse because they could be so much worse. You may not think it at the time... but life can and will be worse. One day we'll all get older and have to put up with all the aches and pains that come with the wisdom of age. But it also gets better too.

So he walked... while he could and let all of his thoughts run through his head. He had to trust himself... fight back all the thoughts that kept trying to make him doubt and believe in the strange ideal that is life. He wanted to love again... wanted to be happy. He wanted a family and someone special in his life to make happy in return. He wanted a dream house that was more important than what it was made of. Whether a five story glass mansion or a nice rugged five bedroom home, the family that lived inside mattered more. He wanted a true home and he'd continue to walk until he found all the things he needed to build one. He needed the money to pay for it, a nice spot to build it, and the girl of his dreams resting in his arms before he could stop worrying about himself.

Of course then he'd have so much more to worry about... but as he walked in the darkening world and thought of all these things, one thought shined brighter than the rest. He thought of the life he wanted and used his hopes at reaching that point in his life to ease the drain he felt on his soul. He couldn't wait for the day when the petty worries of himself were replaced with worries for the family he hoped with all the strength he had left, the only strength that felt as strong as before, to have. He dreamed for the day he'd be able to stop his walk and be truly happy again.

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