|
woah! an entry! and its not locked this time! no wai! |
|
|
|
|
|
|
Oh look! I'm writing again!...First time in...hell i dunno.
I just feel like ******** ranting a little so...yea. That's what i'm going to do. Why? Oh i dont know....
MAYBE cause it's my journal? Yea...i think that's reason enough.
Let see...updates...uh...
-Relationships were designed by satan to provoke further evil in the world
-Failing necessary bodily functions
-surgery fun!
-First attempt i've made at bad things in over 4 years
-Friends putting me on stupid sites without my ok.
Let us elaborate now shall we? why not. nothing better to do.
1. Relationships were designed by Satan to provoke further evil in the world:
So...I've had 3 people make pick up style remarks at me lately..4 technically, but i dont consider the last in that catagory. Lets see...there's paula...which is cool..I like her. She's nice, if not crazy...which is also ok, considering i'm way past issues too so who am i to criticize...The second, jessica...who knows better by now..Once was a mistake....twice is out of the question. Physicality shouldn't overpower morality. Ever. ...Sadly it did once...I admit that...And..I DO..REGRET...that choice. I do. Shouldnt have happened. I dont care how long it lasted ..even i forget now...but, that just makes it worse by allowing that bad decision to go on that long. The third was from a girl that works at the bank next door from work. nice lady....admittedly...she is cute. But let's be realistic here. I'm still trying to work out what i have to do to make me better....and a relationship...not looking like one of those things. Especially with the whole trust issue...and the fact that people seem to think that stuff just...up and disappears after time has past...which it doesnt. For some maybe, but i think that depends more on the damage done to the individual. And i still have a hard time with all the bad s**t that's happened to me....not to sound like a whiner...i mean, i'm the last to talk about my problems 9 times outta 10, But..."so...tell me about yourself" is a question that ALWAYS comes up with meeting someone new...And...Well hell...think about it...If someone just said...uh...well...heh...blank happened..and then blank...
...Wouldn't you be like..."oh...wow...(in head: ISSUES! PSYCHO! BAGGAGE! Bail out! BAIL OUT!) And that'd be it? ...You have any idea how hard it is to talk about yourself when they ask about your history and try to tip toe around the facts just to avoid sounding totally ******** crazy so soon into?...it's almost impossible man!
I'm ranting...what's the topic? ...AH...So yea. Thats the three that made physical attempts...and i cant say there wasnt a part of me that wanted to take that up...i mean, hey...only human at somepoint(sadly)...desire is bound to happen.
as for the fourth...well..that's just a person that..doesnt seem to know what they really want with their life. Maybe, its just a matter of Wanting what cant be obtained, like some people think. maybe it's something else..But..It's impossible to think that the forth can qualify when it flip flops back and forth so much that slinkies cant even keep up. The Second something new pops up, BAM. Then, when it doesnt pan, reappear. ...interesting. I'm not the type to take to the whole second place s**t. Nope. I think if it was actually serious the way it kept getting implied, it'd be treated as such. So, doesn't count. Onward! topic number...2
2. Failing necessary bodily functions!
OH...this one is alot of fun to think about. ...not. Some people, if not most...those that actually read s**t like this...(wow..your weird!) know that, at one point, i did in fact have cancer. Ok, Mostly. Cancer cells that would develop into full blown big C in no time flat. Some actually did, Buuuut...it was caught so soon that it didnt have time to become seriously life threatening. But, as per family history....everyone dies of cancer. So...it's just outrunning the clock really. Anyway...those cells got lasered off...twice...and all was right with the world. Ha.
no one knows if the conditions are related just yet, but about three weeks ago now, one monday night, I had to go potty. Big time. Piss was imminent, so i ran to the bathroom as any intelligent person would. But, to my dismay...no urniation..
...I was confused. So i pushed harder. Nothing. And i had to go insanely bad. I could feel it...it was there...right at the point of coming out..and it wanted too...but attempt after attempt failed...and only slight drips escaped. I did what any person would do when they gotta go that bad. I panicked. XD
so we end up at the hospital at about...11 pm at night. I get admitted into emergency, and wait it out. Sitting was uncomfortable...only made me wanna go more. so, i stretched the bladder out by lying down...hoping to make as much room as possible. Eventually passing out. people woke me up every 5 mins or so to ensure i was still alive. Eventually the nurse started to worry and put me in next...at like...5 am. <<
So i go in, and i get this big guy with a heavy russian accent. Asks me whats wrong...i explain it all, and he takes a scan of how full my bladder is. Apparently, it was about 550 mg. doesnt sound like much, but..according to doctors, the average was 500 mg. I was already over and still filling. it got to the point where they agreed i had about 20 minutes until she goes pop and i get internal poisoning from the waste...effectively killing me. YAY! victory is mahn foos.
....or...not. Just wish it was..considering..
So, nurse bodybuilder leaves...and then comes back 2 mins later. puts a 10 inch tube on the little table thing. I look at it. "uh...whatcha plan on doing with that?"
"You cannot piss yes?"
"uh...yea.."
"we must fix."
....o.o....
"Not with that your not. I'm outta here!" - and i get up and start leaving.
"You dont do it you'll die."
"take my chances thanks."
"i have freezing. Dont be baby."
So i get back on to the bed...and he injects the freezing stuff into my ..
And it burns like ********. I mean ow. like...grab the pillow and stuff it in your teeth to bite ow. Then...less then 10 seconds later, barely enough for the stuff to take effect, in goes the cathether. (Cath-et-er)
....wow....and here i thought i knew pain..Let me tell you something...ok...Getting a d**k shoved up your a** when your 5 and fairly tiny hurts like a ******** b***h mkay. talking tearing...bleeding...kinda stuff that makes you wonder why you continue to live. This...was not that different. Tiny hole....big stick. Lotta stretching..brought back a load-a memories i can do without.
then, he takes it out. and i'm like...uh..wtf.
"It's too flimsy. wont enter bladder. brb."
So, another 2 minutes pass and he returns with a purple one. puts on new gloves as per procedure...and i examine the new rod of doom...
"uh....is it my imagination...or....is this....bigger?"
"...uh...no."
3 minutes of pushing it in, and considerable amounts of loud complaints from myself...he stops and removes it.
"now what?"
"its too big. Brb."
"I ******** KNEW IT!"
he leaves..and i have to see the area...for some reason i was just..compelled.
The gore was just sickening. after seeing it for a few seconds i couldn't look any further. Blood everywhere...just...ugh.
comes back with the third. An orange one. He takes it, and starts bending it in his arms...which he has some difficulty at first. This guy....the big german juicer..cant bend it. I'm thinking...oh god....so much for being a father...there goes that dream...
Crams it in...it works..and then he leaves...and i'm left to piss through the tube, emptying my system with 4 mins to spare according to they're clock, and pray that i die already and just get it over with. So, I spend 48 hours ish pissing through this infernal tube until my appointment with a urology specialist comes up and he removes it from me. Which btw...hurt almost twice as much as going in..And that leads us toooo....
3. Surgery Fun!
the urologist sets me up for invasive surgery to find out just wtf happened to cause all this in the first place.
"ok. now, one of two things will happen. Either, your like the majority of people, and you'll be able to urinate again, then we'll schedule out a find out why thing later, or...your like the minority...you cant, in which case, you go back to the er, get Another inserted...and we find out wtf now."
..."I'm not putting another in. I will choose death...so...better hope i can go then."
"thats not very rational..i mean,"
"never been the type to begin with. now, this surgery thing...whats that."
"uh well, we take a camera like thing and go in and check for damage."
"oh...then, I want to be out for it."
"Well...i dont think that's a good idea. we can give you some strong local anestetics and"
"I want to be out for it. There are no other options."
"We...really recommend you be conscious."
Why."
"well...if we put you under, the risk of...more...serious complications goes up."
"As in death.....how much?"
"We strongly recommend that.."
"How...much."
"Enough."
"Then get your big baggies ready. I AM going under. Otherwise, it doesn't happen."
So....everyone gets all paranoid and s**t....Omg your gonna diiie....Alvin gets all clingy...andrew is more of a man about it..I made sure i said my goodbyes just in case...And i left a lengthy "todo" list of who to talk to, and what to say in the event of my passing...as well as where things should be going....how i want it taken care of...etc. And i left it open on my laptop and left. It's never off so i figured, well...it's just a matter of time till someone touches it, and then they'll find the instructions.
As you can see, despite the numbers...i seem cursed to live. Odd....hit by numerous cars...3 outside, 1 inside...one of which going 60 mph..and i walk away everytime. I make so many attempts at suicide when i was far more unstable....nothing...always either failed or saved. I get impaled in the side with huge shards of shattered metal. Punctured this and that....And i legally die for 2 whole minutes. BUT STILL! STILL! I come back and live. I dont know what the ******** it is....about me...or...maybe something i need to do....but, for whatever reason, I'm incapable of dying. Damn it all.
4. First attempt at bad things in 4 years.
..funny...unintentional, but...funny that i've managed to tie the ending of each segment with the next one even through random ranting...even in babbling i'm organized..
Yes, i admit it...I did ...try to stop the whole...breathing process again. And i know it's not the right thing to do. I know there are actually for whatever reason people out there that would be sad should i have succeeded...But..when you get that low...I mean...low..your in pain everyday for three weeks straight...pissing blood and agony...everytime you go its like putting a lighter to your skin..And everytime it reminds you of other times that you block away...I mean...you never stop remembering..it's like....one of those things that..sits in your mind at all times. y'know? and anything can trigger it...you get frustrated and feel helpless...bam..there it is..pain...bam..there it is...Anger...bam...there it is..Guilt..so on and so on. I Find it comes back for me more than normal because of the circumstances. The anger over how it happened. The guilt of getting my cousin involved and sharing the fate...That's what really eats me. The fear of being the cause of someone elses pain in that way. that's why heather's mind games worked so well. She inadvertently ran over the sore spot....didnt know why, but it worked, and kept playing it.
But all the blood going...again and again..and the pain...it all came back..only from a different orifice but it didnt matter. I started getting so down and depressed. and i, admittedly...made another effort to stop feeling so bad. I rationalized that...While it's not right, and there are a few that would be sad..in the end...it would be a good thing...because i wouldnt be suffering right?....so..that would make up for it.....right?...
Suffice to say..didnt work. i got passed that heavy depression time. Doing better again. That's the thing about relationships you see...it's a double edged sword. On one hand...there's always that person there...who cares and loves you, who can actually be there for you, to talk to....talk you out of stupid thoughts.. but then you get cut by the impact when you open up that kind of trust and get called psycho...or treated like your some kind of freak because of life giving you a shitty hand. And you wonder why you ever thought you could open in the first place. And then, you remember, but, the fear of the sting from the impact gets worse each time you feel it...so...you just stop trying. And of course...everyone has they're own opinion of what the right thing for you is. And the close friends figure that...if you wont do it, they'll do it for you... rolleyes
5. Friends putting me on stupid sites without my ok.
So...I have a workmate..and we've become pretty close friends. Like a female alvin...lol. Ronnie. There's no attraction. She's like a sister, we're just really close. it's a weird arrangement..i dunno. But, it does prove that a man and woman CAN be friends without it getting sexual. Anyway...through general conversation, she decides i seriously need to get a girlfriend. And so she introduces the idea, of....
A mail...order...bride. ><
...now, i had NO idea wtf that was until later in the night after paula did some researching for me. Found some site..and explained what it ment. Well.....Yea. Right. Ha. Dont think so. Go into work the next day...i tell ronnie yea..i know what that is now...Nu uh no way.
"You actually looked it up? lol"
"well, yes and no...a friend did. but still"
"oh? where'd you go?"
"some site...(enter name)"
"never heard of it."
And that was the end of the conversation until today...When she told me,
"ok, so...i set you up on that site thing. Dont worry, i'll take care of everything and we'll get you a woman in no time!"
"WHAT!! what site!?! NO you wont!"
"the site you told me about. Signed you up lol"
"son...of a ..."
"hey...you got like 6 responses in the first 4 hours! I'll get you a hottie yet!"
"(turn red) seriously...off. look...dont help kay...i dont want no splainin' to do."
"oh relax. I'm handling all of it. Trust me."
.....Yes...well....GREAT.
This...is not...what i wanted to hear right now. But, worst case scenario, i just say no...i wont meet this person, over and over and i'll be fine. ....sigh.
That's all for now i guess. I was pretty miffed about alot of other stuff too, but after writing all that i've calmed down too much to b***h about it. XD
A rant for another day i suppose.
Ta.
 ShadowCurse · Sat Feb 09, 2008 @ 09:02am · 2 Comments |
|
|
|
|
|
