i haven't posted an entry in more than a year. and my first entry of this year, is .... depressing..
Ok.. Now it's time for some serious problems.
I keep telling people I think I'm bipolar. But it seems that no one believes me. Some still dont believe me even after I have a mood in front of them where i fly off the handle and start violently crying for either no obvious reason. Or the reason is so small that it shouldn't have caused a reaction 1/100 that size. I often find myself depressed, thinking I'm useless, or that no matter what i do i will never find happiness.
The other day, Carol asked me, "So what makes you believe you need mental help?" instead of simply answering her, I got upset, I couldn't give her a legitimate answer. I mean. I just mumbled anything i could muster up at that moment. I don't understand whats wrong with me. I'm always confused about everything. I don't think i will ever amount to anything. My depression episodes affect my entire life, from when I was in school, making me miss school by not wanting to cry in front of ppl, or simply not having the strength to get out of bed. Then it's work, i get so sad, and find the smallest reasons to not show up, i've quit lots of jobs that way. I can't face ppl when this happens. I don't have the means of telling someone exactly WHY i am the way i am. I know that some of it has to do with : the way i was treated in school when i was younger, jimmy, my mom, people in general, past experiences at work,school,with friends, boys, ect. But i am not sure exactly how to express this to someone.
It seems so easy when im typing because the words just kinda flow off my fingers, Even if they dont make sense i feel a little better after typing out whats on my mind. So yes. I believe there is something seriously wrong with my mental process. Maybe im Bi-polar, maybe i have depression, hell maybe i even have anger issues, well whatever the diagnoses is, im ******** up. I mean it's even affecting my sleep. I always feel so incredibly tired by the end of the night. But if i lay down, i keep thinking, and moving, and i just can't fall asleep until i am so exhausted that i just PASS OUT. Even the otc meds that i take are begining to not work.
I have a lot of things i should be doing, e.i trying to find a job, trying to get back in school, finish cleaning my room, get all my doctors appts. filled, finding a car, calling about my tickets and a lot of other s**t. I JUST CANT its like everything im trying to do is pointless. and i have to use absolutely every effort i have to get s**t done. I feel like NO one is here to help me, even though a lot of ppl say they are. I feel that everyone is so involved in their own worlds that my problems and issues seem meaningless to ppl. I feel meaningless. I mean. I have NO impact on anyone. I can't keep a god damn relationship if my life depended on it. I am always feeling so ******** sad.. all the ******** time. I mean sure i have moments of "happiness" that are so ******** extreme that they make me look like i am overly hyper. And that tends to be the side of me that ppl like. The upbeat goofy out of control ridiculous tiffany. But that is at an extreme HIGH. and when i go back to my extreme lows NO one ******** cares. No one is trying to help me. I thought about mood stabilizers to hopefully put me at a medium so that i can function in the world. So i can focus and not feel stressed, depressed, and agitated at work and school. so that i can keep a boyfriend and not have the feeling of breaking up with them. No matter HOW PERFECT they are for me. I mean Matt, hes perfect, hes an amazing boyfriend. But my ******** depression isnt letting me be happy.
I need to fix this s**t, i need to get help, i NEED it. So what if my mom or carol dont. I know how im feeling isnt right, even if i cant actually explain it. Even if it isnt all that clear. WELL ********, it isnt even ******** clear in my head. I'm always CONFUSED about everything. How i feel or anything. I just dont understand anything. It affected my schooling so much that i ended up dropping out i mean. THAT ISNT NORMAL. God i wish i had someone to help me. Someone who understood me. Someone who can explain to me what it is i feel every ******** day. Why i feel the way i do.
It doesnt ******** matter if everything in my life is going perfect. I STILL can't be happy. It's so frustrating because i know that even if i try to speak up and explain to ppl that something is wrong with me. NO ONE WILL ******** LISTEN. and its hard enough to actually get it out in words. Then to have NO ONE ******** pay attention, or put any type of panic on my situation. EVERYONE just brushes it off like "oh thats just how tiffany is, she'll get over it soon." WELL im tired of just getting over it every ******** time this s**t happens to me. I am tired of no one taking my feelings and emotions seriously other than myself. I am tired of nothing happening. So these ******** feelings and s**t just keep coming back no matter what i do to help them, no matter what i do to make them go away, cover them up, fix them. I'M TIRED.
It's been this way for OVER like 5 years now. And its exhausting. I NEED HELP. I dont know how much more of this chaos i can take until i completely loose my mind, my way of life, my will to live, my entire existance. I need to fix this s**t. I need to stable myself. I NEED to be able to live my life without fear that i'll fall right back into another fit of depression. I get aggrivated now at the littlest s**t. If someone says something stupid i get aggravated, if someone does something by accident or says something by accident that obviously isnt either correct or acurate i get aggravated. I DONT KNOW. Im frustrated. I'm pissed. Im sad. Im lost. IM ******** CONFUSED..
SOMEONE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE HELP ME.
I've been reaching out for someone to help me for the past 3 years and have gotten NOTHING in return. I'm loosing hope, Im loosing myself.
razz sweatdrop stressed stressed sweatdrop scream stressed sweatdrop redface
SeductiveLovin Community Member 
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