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Thirteen months ago, I devoted myself to a study. I never expected it to become so personal, or to change my life forever, but it had, and it did. And I am so glad for it.

You see, thirteen months ago, my mother died. She was my inspiration, and closer to me than most anyone in the world. When she died, I lost a part of myself that was inherent inside me, that I never really knew I had until it was gone.

I cried for her only once after she passed, until very recently, the night that she died. I did not weep at the funeral. I found a sadness too cold for tears. People could sympathize with my grandparents and my brother, but I was unreachable. Mama's passing had left a void in my heart that could not be filled by such words one hears at a funeral.

But even in my grief, I noticed that I had never been to a funeral where so many people came and felt genuine sadness for someone's passing. Then, I realized that all I had ever seen her as was a mother. But she wasn't. She was a mother, but she was a sister, a daughter, an employee and employer, a friend, an advisor, and so many other things. That day I swore that I would never seee anyone solely by my affiliation with them.

Somehow, somewhere along the way, I began to see qualities in people that I never expected to see. I began to love them as mom used to love them, and see more goodness as a result of this.

I'm not sure when the transition began or was completed, but soon, my study of people and their strange connections became personal. I tried to find the root of it, and it was soon after that I develooped a passion for it's pursuit. Love was the bond that exposed such things, that made such bonds, but soon, I found something...more.

When I start to Love someone, it is often with mutual respect and a good deal of time together that Love begins to grow and blossom. I can see Goodnesses in others, that one special Goodness that defines each and every person, and found that I could not envy anyone their's. Instead, I could do little but admire them, and emulate them as best I could. I began to revel in the similarities and the differences together, because no one can be another person as well as themselves, and I found that given the choice, no one would choose envy over admiration.

Sex, race, orientation--all the little ways that we are different--stopped getting between us. It is a beautiful thing, when we can smile at our differences, and love ourselves at once. I found myself losing those boundaries that divided me from they, and not caring. They didn't matter. And I didn't lose myself entirely, we meshed together, my loved ones and I, and all were stronger for it.

Even animals and trees I felt closer too, because I realized that I couldn't exist without them, and that each one represented a Goodness, too, different from a human's Goodness. And their Love is different too, but--and those who have pets will agree--it is no less than a human's.

How can I explain a life with Love? I get starry eyed just thinking about it. I see people and even their worst faults seem minor when compared to their Goodnesss, and Love always seeks betterment, and unity, so isolation and loneliness fade away. Beauty stands out, because beauty really has it's start in Truth, which is a single step removed from Love. And that makes it easier to Love one's self, which helps combat depression, in my case, at least.

When I knew I was Love's was when I wrote Remembering Mama. I knew, for sure that though she had taken a piece of me with her, that I had retained a piece of her, too. That night, Love gave me back my tears, and thawed my frozen heart.

But I think Love is more than all that. When I really Love someone, it's as if I become them, in a way. I see the world through their eyes, a world slightly different from my own, one no less beautiful or colorful. I see this, and my heart smiles and laughs, and I think to myself, this is good.

And it is. It is really, really good. In my experience, Love brings out the best of people, the single shining character that we are supposed to be the virtue for, and we become it. But I don't begrudge that--it is us at our best, and I wonder what we will spell out when we are all finally strung together, and my heart fills with such hope I do not know what to do!

And so I write, usually something like this. Or a poem. If you wish to know my secret, my deepest secret in my Heart of Hearts, you need look no further than:

Love and Vale!
~Leavaros Dapple

*tear falls* can relate, haven't lost my parents but my grandparents, my grandpa (mom's side)passed away my junior year of hs. My grandma (dad's side) passed away this year, my brother and i were on are way and she passed away just barely before we got there. (stupid slow drivers)(they live 2 hours from where we do and at the time i was with my brother in a semi, he had to take a load of milk back from that area any way, even though it hardly happens, i can say i've seen a semi go 95 mph)

I don't think it is pity...

But, yeah. I can see what you're talking about better, now.

Thanks! heart Little brother... heart

ah and yes, i agree, people are closing in only accepting one side of love, when there's a whole world out there that they should look at in a broad expanded picture, not just a kodak.
i myself have changed over the year, now i have to get to know a person a little bit to open up whereas before it was like i said, mind your own business to them and wouldn't say anything personal to them at all.
Love is respect for another being, it agree it doesn't matter, what some may call extreme admiration, that would be love. people may think "ewe" but it's love in a different way than most may think of it.
Cause yes, there are other ways people can love, it's just society adapted one way of love more than the others that they have in return become somewhat unacceptable to most.
I'll take it in. I don't care, I'll have gay friends (in fact i all ready do) society doesn't like the idea, but they accept them as people. and they are, that's all they are, deep down, they're just another person. (sorry to side track a little) I'll accept them, and i admire them, they live in society as it is today, just like any person would.
and in closing I say I'll admire a person for who they are, and in the growing years afterwards i'll even say that i love there idealistic ways
Love = admiration

i know what you mean, i was trying to explain a little bit, though the way you put it was more clear, i'm sorry if i misunderstand love, though i will take this in and accept it. that's how we learn after all.

I took a few days replying to this because honestly, I didn't know what to say. I envy (yes, envy) your ability to see the world through love. It made me think about how many times I had judged someone, or seen the world through my eyes only. It made me want to go out and, I don't know, just be better. The world needs more poeple like you, that's for sure. I wish I could have met your mother, she sounds like an amazing person.


(See? Normally I'd be all snarky and cruel. You've softened my beastly little heart!)

Never going to give this Love thing up are you? Ignorance can be incredibly self-evident if you only explore one side of a cyclical equation. I lost my adoptive father when I was 5, unfortunately I felt nothing hearing the news nor even as I touched his dead flesh at the wake.

When I experienced my educational phase of knowledge seek and absorb I went after a different venue. The mind. The mind of everyone I met because it was a road map that I would do and say anything to explore. It was truly an eye opening experience. People work much like machines, they're predictable to a fault and that makes them so much easier to fix and take apart both mentally, emotionally and psychologically.

That's why I scoff and brush off emotional persuits like this, to me at least, because its all a pattern, a simple equation that can be built up and broken down.

I agree to an extent that people need to use love as a source of comfort when they feel overwhelmed or down. I myself never got to experience it, so in a way I am biased against the idea that love is some kind of all encompassing balm that heals all wounds and brings the world together. I was, one could say, unfortunate enough to have to muscle my way through depression and anxiety, turn myself from weak to strong and stand above that which vexed me.

Maybe I don't entirely believe in love. I thought I loved someone who loved me back but in the end everything had turned upside down. I guess I've been scarred by the experience, love isn't someting I particularily enjoy, afterall, what's to stop someone from breaking down all the work I've put into love? The world lacks the honour needed to prevent such things.

Ah well, such is my heedonistic rantings that I must go and throw laundry into the drier, farewell.

the Lion

Oh, Lion.

Again, I will say that you don't need to shoulder your hurts and pains alone. Again I will say that I am here to help, to listen. And if this is indeed a pattern, then you will once again push me away and refuse to listen to what I have to say.

Love is not a cure-all. Perhaps I should have said this in the first place--some things require sheer will-power and strength to correct. Some things can't be fixed at all. But I know of no situation where Love cannot help. Love can lend the will-power, in a way that hate cannot...Love can ease the pain of things that can never be repaired. And the parting of things that can never be replaced. But only if you let it.

In this, I fear, you will never concede the point--life is better in Love. Life is worth living, when you live it for yourself, and for someone else. The mind is a fine thing, and yet, not all people have the same "road map" or the same destination. I think it is a beautiful thing to see how all of these pieces fall into place, all the places we can explore, by simply Loving someone. And my heart fills to bursting to think of what a marvelous place this world could be, were we too look into one another and see something truly good, something truly different, something "pattern" breaking. And then to work these wondrous things into a pattern, and what truer pattern could be than one of Love?

But Love is more than just another way of seeing things, another method of learning things, and even bliss. These are all parts of Love, aspects of Love--all these things are of Love, in the way that I am not the hand I type with or the eyes that watch the screen, or even the heart that beats to keep these things going. Can you blame me, Lion, for loving Love? For living a life of Love? I think, were you to take my age old advice, and let yourself see life through the medium of Love, you would not disagree with me.

And...as for scarring, I will again remind you that you are not the only one with emotional scars, and you are not the only one who has had to find strength when you thought you had none....

You are not the only one who has felt the cold hand of a parent.

But I dare to feel. I dare to try to build up what someone may very well break down, I dare to live a life of Love, no matter what gets thrown my way, no matter how many times I must rebuild because it is worth it! It is worth the effort, it is worth the tears and the pain because I have found something true about myself, something to live for when there is nothing, even if that reason is another person, a book, a cat...a memory.

I dare to ask you, again, in front of countless people present and future if you will let me help you carry your burden. Because, you silly little p***y-cat--I love you.

Love and Vale, always and forever,
~Leavaros Dapple