|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
 Posted: Wed Jun 06, 2007 11:37 pm
If people want comments on how well they are role playing, post a link here and we can go over your strengths and weaknesses in your rp posts. We can start with mine, which actually happens to be the first role playing post in this guild (if I am right...). http://www.gaiaonline.com/guilds/viewtopic.php?t=9264695Take a look and tell me what you think. If you say good, tell us what do you think I did good. If bad, same thing, explain why. Don't just say it was good or bad, but say why it was good or bad. Can't improve without feed back on the subject. EX (also happens to be my own opinion): I think I did a good job by keeping a single theme, with the constant reminder of my character's lack of memory. I also think I hit on some very good details, that I could have skimmed over but it sounds better with those details. I think it caught my attention when I was proof reading it, and thought it made sense. Though I didn't describe my character fully yet, as in his appearance, I think it was a decent into post for a character. I do plan on describing him farther in the next post... I'll be doing that tomorrow. Too late tonight. Well, have fun with this one, and don't forget to post links to your own posts so we can give you feed back as well! mrgreen
|
 |
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Posted: Mon Jun 11, 2007 3:50 pm
I thought you did an excelent job on you first post Tesunie! Of course, there are always things you could do better.
What I liked:
I especially liked how well you role-played Tesunie's amnesia. You made it sound very realistic and did not accidently write a non-amnesia sentence.
I liked how you including a touch of voice in your post "Funny the things you remember when you forget everything else.". Very true, indeed! ^^
Constructive feedback for you Tesunie:
Try to use less of "He" and "His" as your sentence beginnings. Varying your how your sentences start make your posts much more interesting to read.
"All he knows is that his name is Tesunie, and he isn't where his home is." This is a rather difficult sentence to read (the ending). Try to change it to something like "He knows only that his name is Tesunie, and that this place is definately not his home."
I'm not sure if you wanted wanted your post to be this way, (probably yes) but it was all in present tense. It made it a little difficult to read smoothly.
"He looked down and saw his toes, knowing that was what they were called." Since you were using present tense, I believe this sentence would not be gramatically correct. (I might be wrong, I'm not an expert on tenses) "looked" should be changed to "looks" and "saw" should be changed to "sees".
These are the main things you may want to edit. cool
Can anyone give me feedback on my post? http://www.gaiaonline.com/guilds/viewtopic.php?t=9264695 It should be the last/near the last at the bottom. Thanks!
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Posted: Mon Jun 11, 2007 9:04 pm
Thanks. That was actually what I was hopping for. I know I can improve in many ways still (like not changing my tenses halfway through the post... done that many times... as well as moving into first person sometimes as well. Habits, what can you do? mrgreen ).
I think Looked and sees/saw I am not sure of. I was trying to keep it past tense... I was told that people liked it in past tense for these kinds of role plays.
(Getting to your post now. mrgreen )
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Posted: Mon Jun 11, 2007 9:09 pm
I liked the way you introduced your character. Very creative.
It went a little violent though, by blowing up the wall that is. You do know there was an archway just around the corner? rofl Just joking. It worked fine.
My only suggestion might be to have the words blurred a bit more, maybe hearing a name or something wrong. It could be fun having your character calling Tesunie, Tasane instead! That would be very funny!
I think we have too many people 'lost' between worlds. sweatdrop
Everyone seems to have their origin hidden, or unknown. rofl Kind of funny really.
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Posted: Tue Jun 12, 2007 3:44 pm
Thank you for the feedback! Violence is necessary in some cases, lol. rofl I'm going to change my chararcters home world from "unknown" to Etheria. After all, Etheria is home to demons and angels, so it only makes sense. I'm glad you liked my feedback (and didn't take it personally)! I was playing around with present tense and decided that ""He looked down and saw his toes, knowing that was what they were called." could be changed into present tense like this ""He looks down and sees his toes, and knew that was what they were called." Tenses can be extremely confusing if you are not an English teacher... sweatdrop
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Posted: Tue Jun 12, 2007 7:48 pm
Very true on that one.
I take I have a new post to look at? 3nodding
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Posted: Tue Jun 12, 2007 8:11 pm
I like your recent post. When I was done reading it, it continued to give you the feeling of danger, and grace as well. Very nicely done.
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Posted: Wed Jun 13, 2007 6:57 am
Why thank you Tesunie! I believe I'm a better writer than artist. xd I will do your two latest posts in return for doing mine...
What I liked:
I really liked how you continued to play his amnesia without fail!
I like how you used detailed sentences to make your post more interesting!
Constructive Feedback:
"As the smoke spreads, Tesunie accidentally inhales some, and starts coughing profusely." This is a little glitchy sentence. Try to change it to something like "Tesunie accidentally inhaled some of the spreading smoke, causing him to start coughing profusely." This would make it easier for the reader to read. (I know I wrote it past tense, you may need to change it to present to fit the rest of your post)
Try to use less of "He" as your sentence beginnings. I noticed you used it four times in a row, kind of repetitive if you know what I mean.
Try not to use the dead word "was" in your sentences. (Sounds like creative writing class, I know) Instead, try to add detailed verbs that will benifit your post by making it more interesting.
"He says, as he holds his arm, truing to cradle it or something, uncertain as to what he needs to do with it." First, I believe there is a spelling error. I believe you meant "trying" and accidently typed a "u" instead of the "y". Common mistake. Second, this sentence is also a bit glitchy. Try to change it to something like "He says as he trys to cradle his arm, uncertain as to what he needs to do with it." This will make your posts cleaner to read.
I'm not sure if you mean to write in present tense (meaning "says", "looks", and "covers". Most people role-play in past tense (meaning "said", "looked", and "covered"). Past tense keeps the format of the role-play cleaner and makes a post easier to read. (Its just natural to read past tense)
I'll get to your next post in a moment... 3nodding
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Posted: Wed Jun 13, 2007 7:08 am
What I liked:
I really enjoyed your latest post! You continued to play Tesunie's amnesia well and added great details! Can't wait for your next post!
Constructive Feedback:
"He looked up and saw the black angel, distracting him from his arm for a short time." Unless you decided to randomly use past tense, "looked" should be changed to "looks" to match the rest of your post.
"All he could to do was marvel at her wings, seeing her fly with them." A tiny bit glitchy. Try changing it to "All he could do is marvel over her wings as she flew about." or "As she flew about, he could only marvel over her wings." I also noticed you used "was" (past tense) in your post. Just change it to "is" to make it present tense.
Mmkay! Thats it. I'm waiting for Takura to post, then I'll post after her. whee
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Posted: Wed Jun 13, 2007 10:07 am
I got into the habit of doing things present tense from my D&D days. When you talk in that, you did it all present tense, for that was what your character was doing at that particular moment.
I seem to have the habit of changing tenses in a sentence/paragraph.
The typo might have come from my spell check, and I just clicked on that wrong spelling for it. redface I am a horrible speller.
Well, I seem to have no problems staying in character at least, tenses however... that seems to be a different story. rofl
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Posted: Wed Jun 13, 2007 8:44 pm
Wow! I haven't played a D&D roleplay yet. They do seem pretty complicated and such, but fun. Its okay to change your tenses accidently. A common mistake, and an understandable one in your case. wink
Well, I have another post. I'll do yours when you post a reply. And so on. xd
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Posted: Thu Jun 14, 2007 10:11 am
Your latest post was good, for you stayed in character with your uncaring, self centered demon. Demons (Fallen angel, kind of the same idea) would care more of themselves then for others, as well as would need some kind of reason to not want to fight, such as 'your not worthy of fighting me' etc.
By the way, you should notice that I tried not to use He for begin all my sentences. I think the one sentence I had to change is not in present tense where as the rest is in past tense. Not sure. sweatdrop
I wish I could play D&D with you, or anyone really. Now a days I just don't have the time, as well as it is difficult to play over the Internet. Very confusing trying to explain in words. Also, it is fun and should try to find people that do play. Just a warning though: Don't take the game too seriously. Guess how it got its bad rep. Some morons took the game too far and thought it was real. 3nodding
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Posted: Thu Jun 14, 2007 4:29 pm
I'm not sure if you want your posts in present or past tense. sweatdrop Most of what you wrote was in present tense, not past. So I will give you feedback as if your post was in present tense.
What I liked:
I liked how you incorporated Tesunie being like a child. Made your post alot more fun to read! You also continued to play his amnesia well, and refrained from using "He" as the start of every sentence.
Constructive Feedback:
"Whining a little with each one, typical for someone his age." This is an akward sentence, I believe it doesn't really have a noun in it. Try to change it to "He whined a little with each one, which was typical for someone his age."
"He looks in amazement at the bandages, and how they felt on his arm." This sentence is a little glitchy here and there. Try to change it to "He looked at the bandages, and was amazed at how they felt on his arm." Except that is in past tense...eh, I'm not too good at present. sweatdrop Or try "He looks at the bandages Takura put on his arm, amazed at how they felt on his arm." Something like that.
"Little to all of their knowledge, the wounds where already staring to heal, much faster than any normal humans should. No one could tell with the bandage on it though." The second sentence is a bit of a repeat of the first. Throw it out and change the first to something like "Little to all of their knowledge, the wounds were already starting to heal much faster than a normal human's wounds would."
Okay, now for something other than sentence fixing! To try to make your reader more involved with your plot, add details. Instead of "Tesunie winces as the stone fragments are removed from his arm.", explain how Tesunie winces - what is his expression? How does he wince - his whole body or just his arm, etc?
As much as you can, describe Tesunie's expressions, you could be suprised how much it helps the reader fully understand what is happening. It will definately liven up your posts too!
"They felt nice on the wounds." Why does the bandages feel "nice"? What kind of wounds are they - deep, a scratch, bloody, etc?
*A little side note: Maybe you should change your posts to past tense in the future. I have found that it is more difficult to describe what is happening in present tense. That may be the reason that some of your sentences are in both present and past tense.
I'll post again once Yuffie posts a reply, I don't want to repeat myself too much...
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Reply
