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 Posted: Mon Apr 23, 2007 8:41 pm
Hullo, hullo folks. I'm Raja and I've more or less been told I'm a brutal little critiquer. Is that even a word? Alas...
The point is, you can post here and ask me for a critique. Please bear in mind how I work though.
I do not talk about what is good. I do not give you fluffies and bunnies. I also don't always use happy language(I curse a little).
I DO nitpick, I do rip, and I will be deathly honest. That being said, I tend to rip apart 75% of most concepts even if they're good. This doesn't mean I hate them, it means I want you to have a justifiable reason for everything. It means I'm thorough.
So, you'll get quality shredding in my specific style. You'll get honesty with no rainbows to hide the meanness. The problem is that not everyone wants the cold hard truth in my format. That's why I'm making it clear.
If you don't want someone to be brutal and mean about it. CHOOSE SOMEONE ELSE!
If you want someone who will be unbiased and harsh so every detail is covered. Then you are welcome to ask to be on my list. Also note that you may request to have your critique PM'd to you rather than posted in your quest thread. Just list it in your request to be on the list. If there is no specification I'll post it in your quest thread.
I try to get at least one critique done a day, so hopefully you'd get a reply soonish. Do keep in mind I have a life, so don't hastle me about it. Below is my waiting list so you can estimate the time until yours comes up. Strikes mean critiques that have been finished.
Waiting List:
1. Roka_Shotar
2. Isthene
3. Lady Umbra
4. Persephone13
5. Asahi Kumoru
6.
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Posted: Mon Apr 23, 2007 8:46 pm
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Posted: Mon Apr 23, 2007 9:58 pm
I'll post my critiques here since that seems to be what most people are doing.
Roka, I read your concept a few days ago, but origionally believed you might not want my opinion. Since you've asked for it I'll give ya what I said the other day. With a tack on from reading up on the few new changes(skills and the journal entry).
Your Critique
Backstory
Your death screams of wah-wah pity my character. There are holes too.
First off. Your character was flying when he was poisoned. That was made clear, but I assume he was up fairly high. Seemed like he fell quite a ways. Something that's mass was mainly mustle would fall pretty hard since it's heavier. It'd think he'd have gone splat if he was a hulking 500 pound creature that fell from the sky. Elaborate if he wasn't that high up, but my understanding was he was at least a few stories up before they got him. Though I'm thinking more, so I'd think the fall would have killed him.
Why did they carry his body UP with them? Wouldn't that slow them down? What purpose did it serve since they will have to go back down the hill anyway. Obviously they know your character was poisoned and wouldn't need to worry about him running off, right? So why not leave him down until they finished collecting the bodies. Oh wait, then he couldn't hear the screams of agony right? Goodness, and where do I get the 'CRY FOR PITY' thing from I wonder. By the way, what happened to the other guard? Did he just 100% pass out? Or did they drag up 1000 pounds on those carts? Cause yea, I think those donkeys croaked too. Especially if they loaded up the entire clan on em. And if they just took your dude's body. Then it screams of more 'I MUST BE SPECIAL' and leaves us going 'WELL THEN WHY'D THEY KILL THE REST!?'
And wow, it must have been a large group of assassins to take down a whole clan of 500 pound creatures that could potentially be killing machines. Oh yes, the arrows might slow them down, but you'd think some would get in there and chew off a few heads. Or maybe they where just all a bunch of sissies.
Oh! And apparently they could speak, they being your kid's species, yet your character never once said something to the healers. Did he want it to continue in that hopeless spiral? Because frankly that's what it was. As well, why didn't he do anything once he WAS healed? You said nothing of him being REPOISONED. If you want to say he was still too spent that's fine, but make that clear. Though I find THAT hard to believe myself.
For that matter... how'd he survive that? Being skinned alive, and they wanted blood too. Hmmm... I'd think he'd have died the first night. You'd likely bleed to death durring the process or they'd accidentally hit something vital int he process. Like a jugular vein. Cause you did say they wanted his skin. And blood. Let me say it again. They said they wanted his blood. I'd think that alone signifies they'd 'acidentally' kill him in night one. Or not so accidentally. Alas, he must magically go through it sooo many times that it's a torture. Of course. Oh, and if you were skinned. YOU WOULD BE UNCONCIOUS! That's assuming you're not dead. I'd assume you'd be out cold from sheer blood loss. Cause every patch they take off it going to bleed, and it's going to expose the things beyond the flesh. Things that aren't meant to see daylight.
Oh, and the healers are all morons or something. None of them realized what the ******** was happening? No one thought about what kind of people they where? This is assuming they didn't have to heal the rest of the clan(or was that killing just for fun? Or did they just only keep YOURS alive? HEE HEE SPECIAL!) Anyway, the healers are morons either way. Or moralless freaks. In which case, why the fuzzy blue aura of glee? Or was only the first one nice? Ya-huh.
By the way... why'd they get tired of fuzzball? Was he not making them enough money? Aww, he died of the injuries that should have killed him the first night.
But alas, I think I'll be done with the damned backstory. I'm bored with it... ONTO OUR LOVELY FUZZBALL! FOR HE IS AND MUST BE SPECIAL! THAT'S WHAT THIS IS ABOUT!
Appearance
First off. What's with the tattoos on his arms? Yes, yes the design is from his mythological time period but is there any other significance? It's just to make him shiny right? To make him special? Well frankly it's dumb. I could see him being fuzzy, but random tattoos that keep getting more intricate makes no sense. YAY FOR TRYING TO BE SPECIAL AGAIN!
And the wings. Oh, yes... you explain it as part of his teen quest. But frankly... I saw it coming. When I didn't see it in the baby part I knew he was going to sprout it. Because it followed the path you where taking. Yes, let's skip the points where he can't use the wings. He'll randomly have them, and he won't even have to learn to fly. He'll REMEMBER from his past life. Perfect, more perfect topped onto your perfect char, right? Gods that disgusts me. I mean wings aren't bad, but you walk the path of bad with it here. Maybe I'm wrong, but it just seems bad. Also, it clones another previous kids teen quest. Oh door, that's a kind of taboo. I'd say either give them up, or better yet... cope with the wierdness through life.
Abilities
Let's start with the auras. He'd better never go near the mall. The sheer volume of aura's he'd be battered with, since he doesn't need to look at it or think about it for it to show, would probably drive him insane before long. Standard abilities that are passive like that should be watched carefully. Being able to sense people isn't bad, but you've gone and hyper charged it to the point it's going to mess you up. You can't be aware of everything or you will lose it. So either tone it down to only directly in his site. Such as seeing a faint colour around people, or make it on-off where he must CONCENTRATE. Not just flip a switch, but directly think about it. So he won't be doing a jigsaw, doing a handstand with one finger, and reciting the alphabet backwards while doing it. Let me make that clear? Abilities don't just come naturally always. They aren't snap your fingers easy. And they should have serious downfalls.
By the way, why so much with emotions. Wasn't the purpose for pure and evil origionally in the species description? Not to sound like I feel my own toes being stepped on(which they are a bit), but it seems to go off in a random direction there. Ah well, more of that SPECIAL shining through isn't it? Gotta love that.
I wasn't to bring up another thing toooo~! RANDOM SKILL GIVING! YES YES YES! I LOVE THIS! In the sense that it's great fodder. What am I talking about? Why your fire breathing of course! I don't recall that being mentioned in the Lammasu description. Nix it. It makes no sense, don't add random s**t in. Fire breathing winged lions. Tee hee fun.
By the way. No one can ever play a trick, be evil, or any nonsense around your char. Surprised? Hah, never. Everything is easily predicted because he senses all that goes on around him. The only surprises would come from within. NEXT!
Personality
"I'm a good person, I like good, I hated evil in my past life(but I mask that real good), and you can never surprise me. I'm exceptionally boring even though I pretend I'm 3-D and have a personality, but I don't. I just have a few people I like, but that's because they don't talk and I can just sort of bask and eat their aura. WHICH MUST BE GOOD! Anyhoo. Yea, I just kind wanna sit and be quiet on the hill and if anyone bothers me I'll just have to smack em a good one. Yep, sounds about right."
Your character just made me gag. The ability to be utterly boring and ignore any interesting tid-bits that could have been used from it's past life where dismissed. He doesn't seem to care about anything, which in the past life the Lammasu was a guardian. This suggests they had a deep sense of loyalty and the natural instinct of guarding things. Which does translate to caring deeply about something. If anything your character seems to lack the ability to become attached to anything by remaining withdrawn. The people he does like are simply permitted for the basic sense he has that they are not evil. It seems he wouldn't care about their personalities at all and would prefere to remain in solitude with a plush doll that said inspiring phrases when batted. Because what he loves doesn't seem to be social interaction, but simply lounging. Lounging with something pleasant near him to be precise.
Your character is such that he would never become attached to anything and would remain private for it's entire life. Part of being alive is knowing who your confidents are. With his insight he could easily find the type, but he seems to lack the ability to socialize properly. I believe that is the main fault. Your character seems to lack the ability to make a friend because he will simply know them. Your character may know who he can trust, but the rest of the world will not be the same. You cannot assume a friendship is one sided and will come naturally. People will not bend to fit your characters likes and dislikes. So you need to figure out how he'll get along with others or get ready for a life of solitude. Because friendships are not made with a simple nod.
Post Entry
...I have to go into the big thing about reality check again. It wasn't the easiest thing in the world to get through for many reasons. Possibly because I dislike many factors of your concept at the moment.
The main thing I was tweaking at durring the entire thing was...
HIS HANDS ARE BURNED! The spells apparently aren't horribly strong, but he's typing. He's typing a long journal entry with crispy burnt hands. We're talking stuff that would blister I'm assuming. I've had burns that left scars. It hurts. He would not be touching his computer to type up an entry, he would be wanting to dunk it in ice water from what I read.
His hands weren't even bandaged yet, but he was able to type. That alone was enough to set me wanting to bang my head on the keyboard. It's ridiculous. There is no logic to it. Your character is supposed to be the type who thinks things through, yet here he is doing something that would cause utter pain and agony to do. I'd think someone with half a brain would at least wait until they'd been bandaged up. If not for a day or two. I doubt he'd forget something as important as that overnight. So in short. Not my bag of tea.
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Posted: Tue Apr 24, 2007 3:41 am
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Posted: Tue Apr 24, 2007 3:47 am
I want your thoughts ^-^
Quest
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Posted: Tue Apr 24, 2007 12:17 pm
Whenever you've got the time, please take a look at mine. If you can't stand the fact that my concept still doesn't have a death written, then please feel free to skip over my idea until it's completed. I must confess that I'm a methodical person who likes having someone look at my work in each step. That way, it's easier to make corrections and revisions that are consistent. Thanks! http://www.gaiaonline.com/guilds/viewtopic.php?t=8647571
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Posted: Tue Apr 24, 2007 12:52 pm
When you've got a minute, could you please give my quest a looking-over? Ammut
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Posted: Tue Apr 24, 2007 12:55 pm
Both added to the list.
@Persephone: I don't mind in the least. I'll go over what I see and compare with the material I have. That's how I work.
I'll try to get 1-2 done later today. For now it's lunch time.
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Posted: Tue Apr 24, 2007 3:18 pm
Woah! You're really good at what you do. I'll definitely ask for critique once I've edited my thread a bit.
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Posted: Tue Apr 24, 2007 4:46 pm
For Isthene
Your Critique
Backstory
In general it remains constant with a character who shows some reasoning. A beleiveable tale that strikes a point. Your character was neither perfect, nor useless in the tale. If anything it was somewhat really sad how she wished so much good and was taken advantage of.
So I don't have much to say against it.
Appearance
No real issues here.
Abilities
Her abilities... let's go in order.
Curse. You said that various Haltija had abilities according to their type. I feel it's safe to assume your child is a Vaki of water. I don't feel causing cancer has much to do with water. If anything I would believe the curse ability would be restricted to things involving water. So perhaps she could affect a fish, or kelp. But I think her specialty with this skill would be creating stagnant water. That in itself can cause illness. However, creating cancer in a person seems ridiculous for a water Vaki, as well is borders on possible character abuse.
Healing is usually considered to go hand in hand with water. But do keep in mind that this should likely tak ea lot out of her and have it's clear limits. One way to take things in a way that would follow with your backstory would be if she specializes in purification. Not all wounds can be healed by modern medicine. She could have an ability to clear infection and perhaps reverse some rotting/burns(Water vs fire here), and in general make things sterile. This is of course a mastery set in with a more minor ability to heal smaller wounds. This making your character good at something and continuing a more minor field so to balance and not make it seem to powerful. A suggestion only, you're welcome to later it as you see fit. However I feel that it currently sounds liek a spell out of a video game. And honestly, auto heal alls aren't as great in roleplay as they are in games.
Swimming makes sense. No problems.
Empathy. I'm just curious where this is coming from. I have no problem with it as long as there is a clear reason for it. If it's a part of her nature that makes more sense than saying it's an ability. I don't quite see where it's part of the Haltija backstory though. Feel free to clarify your reasoning, if not drop it.
Weaknesses. Tons of fun. The only other thing that might be added, in my opinion, is something regarding a need for water. As an Haltija with a water background I would think she'd become dehydrated easily. That's simply my belief.
Personality
In general not many issues that glare at me. But the fact that she is afraid and shies away from all people, but somehow makes a few trusted friends confuses me. If she is the type to go home to avoid new people who does she ACTUALLY make the few friends she has? It doesn't seem to add up. Does her mother force her to remain near people until she meets them? Or does she keep having enough brief encounters that she just gets used to a person?
It's one of those odd things. You can be shy, but you mention that she leaves when someone new arrives. That would suggest she never meets anyone. It doesn't compute. I'd redo that.
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Posted: Tue Apr 24, 2007 6:41 pm
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Posted: Tue Apr 24, 2007 7:02 pm
I like the strike-out because it makes the waiting list look like a hit list wink
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Posted: Tue Apr 24, 2007 7:43 pm
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Posted: Wed Apr 25, 2007 4:08 am
The reason for the Curse:
A Haltija whose Vaki is Water has the ability to heal or create illness.
I have that in my information about Haltija, and most Vaki' have the ability to harm and heal.
I can certainly see have major restrictions on the abilities, but I think its pertinent that it effect humans. Maybe just not as strongly. I hoped I got across the idea that although the land she protected it her past life was water, it wasn't just the water, but the shores, and the village-city.
The Reason for the Friends:
The fact that she gains friends is not necessarily going to actually happen. It's more like a large, biased assumption. I just think through role play, with other ghosts that there is a high probability she will gain friends. See, she's not afraid of people, just new people, and large crowds of people. It could be anything, I'm not sure. Perhaps Tyra really likes another guardian and they become good friends. And Hallie gets thrown in with that guardians child.
Tell me what you think about these explanations, if you get the time.
Thank you so much for your critique!
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Posted: Wed Apr 25, 2007 8:50 pm
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Reply
