Critique for Darkspear Troll
Overall:I'm on the fence with this one. I see a lot in this concept that could be likable, and a lot of ideas that I could find fun. But they're not developed enough for me to do so yet. Things need to be filled out a lot, but there's definately potential here.
Biggest Complaint:Yuck, font colors. I had to highlight the whole damn thing to make it readable. I get that you're trying to use the concepts colors, but readability should always come first. It hurts my eyes.
Darkspear Troll:Oo.. umm... wait... what? Ok, read through this again. But this time, pretend you've never played WoW. It stops making sense. Words like Hord and Forsaken have no meaning. I need A LOT more background, information about Trolls in general and Darkspear Trolls in specific.
The Past:I feel this is rather, well, long. I mean, I'm glad you gave the girl some real character, that's good. But it still just... keeps going. And, I don't know. This'll sound silly, but I feel that you could do better. You've developed some bad habits that are pretty common in writer/roleplayers, which is writing in the same way you roleplay. The two don't always mesh very well. You've got some awesome THEMES here, but you're developing them in the least possible way. By having your character THINK about them. You're telling us. You're also showing, but mostly telling. You certainly don't need to do both!
First- You mention having become a better writer, and I agree. You really have. But, at the same time, you seem to be going through a phase a lot of writers go through. Your prose is getting all purple at the edges and the first paragraph is a great example of this. We're told as kids, describe describe describe. But, in truth, a single line of excellent description is always better than a paragraph of excessive prose. You don't need words like 'embellished' here. Read through this, and ask yourself how you might improve it through simplification. And after doing the first paragraph, try the rest of the piece.
Second- Avoid 'sighed'. Frankly, it's cliche. Some people do sigh, but it's not nearly as common as role players would have you think. And trolls? She's a tough old shaman. Does she really sigh a lot?
I like the flashback, sort of. Mrr... try italics, to set it apart. Also, try picking out a specific image, instead of a general one. One troll, within the crowd. Maybe a memory of herself, or someone she cared about.
Third- I should know her name by now.
So trolls think witchery is bad? Why is this not included in the troll section? This is a great place where action and image would be better than telling. Let her encounter a troll whose name she doesn't know.
All this hesitation over her work. Where the HELL is it coming from? She does this every day, why all the random introspection. This really drips Gaian roleplay, so I'm assuming that's where you picked it up. Random, unsupported introspection does not flow well in actual storytelling.
Fourth- More introspective meandering. Why not start this story with a tidal wave stopping ritual, or a volcano stopping one, and give her a reason for all her thinking. Also... I'm not well versed in trolls, but are they usually this introspective and philosophical?
Fifth- Awkward phrasing, and way too late to introduce her name. She knows these people? Didn't we earlier establish that she feels she does not know them?
Six- The word things is too general, avoid it. The phrasing here is awkward again, particularly with the fragment serving as your second sentence. She hoards treasure, but there's no emotion toward that treasure. You fail to give it significance. If it's a symbol of respect that she values, she should be treating it with more reverance.
Seven- Which god? Specify. Is it a god she worships, the god of healing, perhaps?
Nine- This is it! The moment of tension, when we really get to know what she's thinking. So... lets have it. This needs to be longer, and more detailed. The attention you gave to the superflous early paragraphs would do much better here. This needs to be the meat of the story. Indeed, you could start with her going up to the volcano, and hearing the drums, and follow it with some reflection.
Eleven- You cut things off much too quickly here. Again, here's the conflict. Let her interact with them! Don't just knock her out. Let her fight. Lets see her stuff! Stop telling us she's strong. Lets see her be strong! Also, each characters dialogue gets its own paragraph.
Twelve- These little sentences can be incredibly powerful if used right. The right way to use them is by putting in a piece of information that it incredibly powerful, moving, or significant. This sentence is none of those things.
Thirteen- I'm confused at this point. Are these her people, or someone elses? Does she recognize any of them, even if she doesn't know their names?
Fifteen- More meat here, but it needs more information. Why did she ignore the fears of the others of her generation. How could she forget how long she's lived? Also this realization seems so sudden. If she's been with them all this time, why hasn't she noticed until now?
From there on- And now you go into details... Why must everyone take months to die? This is not an agony competition. Yes, they're supposed to have died unfairly, but this seems so excessive. And I think it bugs me because I'm seeing this long drawn out torture in lots of quests. Who's mixing these poisons? Isn't that what she does? Aren't trolls more likely to destroy, instead of toy with someone?
The fact that she's controlling nature instead of working with it is introduced to late. You can't just throw a new theme in at the last second.
She's very forgiving. I'm amazed in fact. They've been torturing her for a month, and she forgives them? That's impressive. Maybe she does forgive them, maybe she's that sort of person. But I need to see this sort of saint like personality more clearly defined if I'm going to believe it.
Guardian:I'd like to see some Guardian info. Guardians are important, especially in those early stages where the childs ability to interact are tiny at best.
AbilitiesThese all make sense, I'm fine with them.
PersonalityOverall, I think you need some more development on all these stages. Some of your statements seem a bit random. In child you say 'despite all this', despite what? You aren't making any sort of conflicting statements, here. I'd like a little more definition too. Aggressive as in force of personality, or aggressive as in violent? She should be a little violent, shouldn't she? She's a troll.
At Teen, I start to lose you. Maybe I'm dense. I rather like the addict thing, but I'm not following with the illness concept. She thinks she has an illness? Are you referring to depression? Where is her Guardian through all this? How is he/she reacting to the girls apparent drug addictions?
Youth is cool, but also random. What happened to the drug addiction? How'd she get over her doubts? She's just... all better, and ready to heal others? This also seems pretty late for a troll character to have taken up fighting. Also, all this issolation is really going to limit your RP chances. Remember, this is a role play based character. Unless you can find another character who's going to be hanging out in 'less civilized areas' you're going to be pretty lonely.
Adult... what? She wasn't able to adapt to civilization? You didn't show us any conflicts with civilization in her previous stages, unless you count her being rather blunt. If civilization makes her uncomfortable, why haven't you told us. And again, the issolation aspect.
Appearance:Her wand may be massive when she is an adult, but their wands grow with them. It will be baby sized when she's a baby.
I'd like to know more about her looks than what she's wearing. Whats her body shaped like? Does she go through an awkward stage? Is she heavy or skinny? The teen stage irritates me. Must she be a stereotype? Why can't goths ever be happy, or depressed teens ever wear dresses? Meh, I guess that's a personal complaint. I like that she then moves to favoring natural materials. That makes sense for her.
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