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 Posted: Thu Dec 14, 2006 8:54 pm
Or I should say,
Well maybe I won't say.
But if you want me to say,
Then I shall have to confess...
I am blind.
I do not see the world through these silveredd eyes,
The greens, red and bluest skies.
Sitting here on a bench,
In the middle of Park,
I listen to the sounds of the world.
I am forever departed and missing the view,
Always a glimpse too late.
Somewhere in the world a child calls,
Her father runs over,
His hand around hers,
How is that I cannot them at all...
My eyes are open,
The world is beyond me,
Yet darkness' forever around.
Perfumes and sweet tip taps,
Ringing and a chill,
All that before me and none of the glory,
Crippled sightless my eyes are flightless,
But happy I am today.
The sun it warms me,
The wind it cools me,
Laughter uplifts me,
The oils they lull me,
And the world doesn't see me at all.
I could be blind to the world,
Or the world could be blind to me,
But if it really mattered,
I don't think it'd matter at all.
I can close my eyes,
And see what I see,
I have nothing to fear of the dark.
Butcher away friends and enemies, I have this tune stuck in my head and I've just finished a movie with a blind man in it and the two have collided to become this... poemy thing. I don't really like it, very cliche, stereotypical, no scheme, no measure, simple wording, I'll let Varos take it from there.
the Demon
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Posted: Thu Dec 14, 2006 9:10 pm
Well, I'm tired and aching right now, let me get back to you later today as it is 12:07 Eastern. I will point out a typo in line 6 "silverred". If you meant sliver-red yuo should have a hyphen. Otherwise delete the "r" of your choice.
Love and Vale,
-Valens
EDIT: Okay, now you have two "d"s. What's up with you and that poor word?
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Posted: Fri Dec 15, 2006 9:26 pm
I like how based in the senses it is, especially feel. The lack of sight gives whole new worlds to sound and touch, and it's a beautiful poem.
I don't have any heavy naysaying to do this time. Sorry, Demon. If you really want, I'm sure I can whip something up....
-Valens
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Posted: Sat Dec 16, 2006 7:09 pm
"How is that I cannot them at all..." line four, stanza seven. I think you're missing a word, and I would presume it would be "see". Other than that, and the typo Leavaros pointed out, I don't have anything against the poem.
A little over done, but otherwise, very sensual. Good work! 3nodding
~Kiyo
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Posted: Sat Dec 16, 2006 7:24 pm
I can't believe I didn't catch that! eek Well, It was 2 AM when I wrote that last comment.
-Valens
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Posted: Sun Dec 17, 2006 7:58 pm
Ah! The stinging lashes of criticism, I love it!
I know there's probably about a hundred mistakes in there, I wrote it in teh dead of night and not entirely in the soundest frame of mind, I don't even remember what I was trying to say in it.
ah well, to the depths with poets!
the Demon
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Posted: Mon Dec 18, 2006 12:06 pm
Desert_Demon Ah! The stinging lashes of criticism, I love it! I know there's probably about a hundred mistakes in there, I wrote it in teh dead of night and not entirely in the soundest frame of mind, I don't even remember what I was trying to say in it. ah well, to the depths with poets! the Demon Masq:Sadist.... Leavaros:Not that many, but the point is a bit...hazy. Valens:To the depths with poets?!? eek -LD
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Posted: Mon Dec 18, 2006 9:53 pm
I was going to say "To the seering fires of hell with poets" but that's a little harsh, the "depths" as I put it is an old sailing term brought back by the fun loving cast of Pirates of the Carribean.
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Posted: Mon Dec 18, 2006 10:11 pm
Well.... I'm not a big fan of that now....
-LD
(But I do love Pirates and Orlando Bloom!)
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Posted: Tue Dec 19, 2006 9:12 am
I got to meet Blood in England, he was so cool. I got him to autoggraph my coat but on the way home it rained gonk and I was so angry! I wanted to hide my coat but I was already coming down with something so I took health over bragging rights. But I don't care! I shook his hand and that's enough for me!
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Posted: Tue Dec 19, 2006 1:35 pm
Desert_Demon I got to meet Blood in England, he was so cool. I got him to autoggraph my coat but on the way home it rained gonk and I was so angry! I wanted to hide my coat but I was already coming down with something so I took health over bragging rights. But I don't care! I shook his hand and that's enough for me! I do hope you mean Bloom. He's so pretty.... -LD
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Posted: Wed Dec 20, 2006 11:08 am
I did mean Bloom, I was really tired xd
the Demon
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Posted: Wed Dec 20, 2006 11:20 am
I'm glad he's cool. There are way to many bitchy actors out there. I'm so happy that he seems down to Earth.
Tell me.... Was he as good-looking as everyone says, well fan-girls aside.
Fan girl #1: You're so pretty! heart heart heart
Fan girl #2:Johnny and Orly 4eva! heart heart heart
Fan girl #3:To hell with Knightly! Burn her, burn her! twisted twisted twisted
Fan girls (in unison):We love you! heart heart heart
See what I mean? stare
-Masq
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Posted: Thu Dec 21, 2006 7:34 am
Hey now, watch what you say about Knightly, she's my queen 4laugh .
*Thinks back to all the leud scenes in Domino*
And yes, he is startlingly pretty in real life. But I guess that's what make up people are for, hehe. He also had surprisingly soft hands... I got to shake one of them ^_^, I think the Brit ladies scared him a little, I was the only guy there that I could see and somehow we got in a little talk about the shitty weather, it was neat. That was the redeeming part of that trip, the rest was aweful, having to be cramped in with a plane load of snotty little rich kids and being the only middle-class kid there didn't help, and social status due to income wonderful?
the Demon
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Posted: Fri Dec 22, 2006 11:17 am
Ugh. Stuck-up rich kids on a plane.... Worse than venomous snakes if you ask me.
-LD
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