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 Posted: Thu May 11, 2006 5:00 pm
[ Message temporarily off-line ]
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Posted: Tue May 23, 2006 6:05 pm
The opening sentence is very melodramatic, made even more so by the fact that you never actually explain what the "fire" in the sky is. If you just meant that it's really, really hot, then you should make it seem less like the apocalypse has arrived.
The rest of the story stays in the same kind of dramatic tone. You've created this tense, fearful mood that is too intense for a work this short.
When you don't explain what's going on, which you can't really do in something of this length, than it leaves it up to the reader to fill in all of the spaces. Unfortunately, readers tend to fill in the spaces with the wildest things they can imagine, which leads to the sense of melodrama.
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