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 Posted: Wed Sep 03, 2025 6:06 pm
It was still terrifying to be someone other than himself.
But it was a weird feeling knowing that "himself" was not quite as meaningful as it had once been - that his civilian self, whoever that was, was a sort of half-formed vessel with no memories or experiences to fill it up. Which made being Maus less terrifying than it would have otherwise been in some ways, but even more frightening in others. What if he spent too much time as Maus and forgot to be anyone else? What if he was still running, just in a way that it was easier to lie to himself about?
These were all thoughts to concern him, and they did, but Maus was not and never had been a person given to an excess of philosophical introspection. The night was cool and fine, the sidewalks mostly quiet, and it felt good to walk around on stronger legs with a cigarette in one hand, enjoying the weather from the perch of a body that was a little bit like a superhero's.
Which wasn't to say the paranoia was entirely gone. He felt the dim sensation of Chaos near, and he debated turning tail to run. Maybe he still would. But instead he continued meandering towards it, with a sudden and strange inclination to prove to himself that he was not being actively hunted. It would be a relief, maybe, to run into what he had once been and walk away from the encounter, if not unscathed then in some way uncaptured and unknown.
Not quite what he was, though. He took a nonchalant drag and attempted to mentally turn the signature over in his hands, perplexed by its strange shape, and attempted to convey in every movement and casual swing of his stride that he was not an active threat, nor seeking one out.
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Posted: Thu Sep 04, 2025 9:30 am
The flickering of an order aura nearby caused Ilmare’s shoulders to tense painfully. She’d gone out on the pretext of patrolling, but had fully planned on simply moving around and avoiding people so that she could honestly say that she hadn’t found anyone to steal energy from. Doubtless she’d be found out sooner or later, but for now… Right now, she just wanted nothing to do with it. And now, here was someone from the other side bearing down on her. What would be the odds that they wouldn’t attack first? Or accuse her of terrible things? Because, other than a few people from the White Moon, that seemed to be the usual reaction. Ultimately, she decided against bolting. She hadn’t been lectured in a while, might as well fill that quota and get an added dose of loathing in. If she sat down and really thought about it, she knew that it would be incredibly sad that she felt the need to pencil in such things as hateful (albeit justified at times) lectures. She knew that she could, in theory, escape. Though she had no idea how to go about that and she was genuinely frightened by the thought of what could happen if she was discovered asking forbidden questions. And there was the hope that someday, stealing the energy from people would no longer be needed. But then she would remember that horrifying cannon thing that Queen Laurelite had used during the fight with the Hallow. She’d seen how the thing had affected Ekstrom and Saiph and the idea of it being turned against people instead of eldritch beasts… The thought made her stomach churn. And as she debated what to do, she realized that the aura was essentially right there and glanced up and around before her gaze fell on a figure walking. Nothing in what body language she could see indicated hostility, so that was good. She was more than happy to just stand where she was, though she did raise a tentative hand to offer a tiny wave. Maybe she’d luck out and this person wouldn’t be in the mood to scold and lecture and heap abuse on her. Then, when it felt like she needed to do more than wave, she cleared her throat gently. “Erm. Hello?”
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Posted: Thu Sep 04, 2025 5:57 pm
No hostility seemed to be immediately forthcoming. He continued his casual stroll until he was a little nearer - but not so near as to perhaps be threatening - and began patting himself down in an absent manner before seemingly remembering that he did not, in this form, have pockets. "Evening," he said, as if they were two civilians who had crossed paths in a queue. "I was about to stop and have a smoke. I believe I'm downwind," he added pleasantly, "so hopefully I won't be incinerating your lungs along with mine. Quiet night? Unproductive?" He asked this with a certain professional detachment. A line cook clocking in mid-shift might have asked the question in the same tone of voice, to assess his own immediate future.
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Posted: Sat Sep 06, 2025 2:19 pm
Blinking slightly, Ilmare allowed herself to relax ever so slightly. This knight, because he couldn't be anything but a knight, was acting as calmly as she could have wished. He was even being considerate of her lungs! Though the way he chose to words things were a little strange. Still. "Whatever you're smoking cannot possibly be as bad as the clove cigarettes favored within the goth clubs," she answered, voice equally pleasant. "I'm pretty sure those things could take down an army. But I appreciate the thoughtfulness." She wasn't entirely sure how to answer his actual questions, though. Well, okay, no. The first she could answer and did. "Quiet enough for my purposes. Not sure about the unproductive part since I didn't set out to really do anything."
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Posted: Sat Sep 06, 2025 7:02 pm
"If I was interested in shattering the walls of my nice glass house," he said mildly, turning his head away to exhale despite being downwind with a habitual friendly politeness, "I would say there's no point running around like that if that's the case." He made a vague gesture at her general appearance. "But I didn't have any plans to do anything myself, and yet: here I am. Hard to resist sometimes, isn't it?"
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Posted: Mon Sep 08, 2025 10:14 am
Closing her eyes and pinching the bridge of her nose, Ilmare inhaled slowly, turning the knight’s words over in her head. She was reasonably sure that he wasn’t trying to shade her, but the overly mild way he spoke sent little shivers of alarm up her spine. He talked like he knew and that worried her. In fact, had his aura not been grating against her brain with its brightness, she would have suspected someone from Intel of running a recon on her. Well, that was still a possibility. She’d heard stories of people who’d willingly turned on their own and corrupted. Hopefully, this wouldn’t be one of those cases. “Not sure what you mean by that,” she finally replied, opening her eyes and sighing loudly. “Like are you talking about powering up or big, bad Negaverse things or what? Because I never said I didn’t have plans. I only said I wasn’t out to be productive. My plans,” she continued, voice strained, “include keeping my superiors placated because Intel knows more about us than I’m happy with and if I’m powered up and out wandering, then they aren’t staking out my place trying to figure out if I’m less than loyal.” Her encounter with that mouthy lieutenant, that she’d saved the chibi senshi from, replayed in her mind. The threat of being watched was a real one. She had to tread carefully until she could come to her own decisions about where she wanted to ultimately be. Watching the knight smoke, she sighed again, regretting having given up the clove cigarettes that she’d occasionally indulge in at the club. Her nerves needed steadying. “I don’t suppose you have an extra smoke I could bum off of you, by any chance,” she said, her expression one of exhausted amusement. “I left my cloves in my other pants.”
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Posted: Mon Sep 08, 2025 2:39 pm
He paused, hesitating to close the distance between them. Cagey - nervous. As, perhaps, was reasonable. But then he wordlessly procured her a cigarette - whatever the three-pack special was - handing it over to her and then just as wordlessly offered her a light as he answered, his expression twisting into one of sympathy. “I didn’t know they did that to you guys too,” he said. “I forgot a lot. I mostly remember a lot of being paranoid as hell and avoiding it. But it feels good to stretch your legs and not feel every joint in them cracking because you’re forty and about to disintegrate like they do when you’re wandering around in your clove cigarette pants. So sometimes I was living on the edge, I think. Maybe. Not sure. I wonder why I didn’t try your method. But I think it was different, if you were - embedded, you know, as it were.” An agent, rather than a Senshi. He did not look forty. But he didn’t look any age, really, with a face that kept bouncing back and forth between high school and middle age. Perhaps forty was not any more unbelievable than any other number that didn’t immediately put grey hairs on his head and into his mustache. He spoke with the same easy, conversational tone, but maybe given what he’d just said that made a little sense. Maybe it was harder for someone to rush to judgment when they’d spent their time on the other side, avoiding being seen as much as possible and trying to be unremarkable the rest of the time. “I guess there’s still things to be paranoid about,” he continued, exhaling and making it almost seem nonchalant that he wandered a few feet away from her again, with the superficial reason of going to examine a flyer stuck to a nearby pole, although there was no point in really pretending that he was acting out of any reason than a self-preservation-fueled desire to have space between them, in case she suddenly turned on him. “Not much change, I imagine.”
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Posted: Tue Sep 09, 2025 9:30 am
Accepting the cigarette and the light, Ilmare took a long drag before exhaling and coughing. s**t, it really had been a while since she’d smoked anything, hadn’t it. Still it didn’t take long before her throat calmed down and she was able to tolerate the smoke. One eyebrow did arch though as the knight spoke, though she held her peace for the moment, just letting him talk. And here, it seemed, was the answer to her little mystery. He’d been an agent. So, he was highly unlikely to betray her since she couldn’t imagine anyone going through the hell of escaping only to let themselves be roped back in. Willingly anyway. And when he copped to being forty, she paused in her smoking and took a good, hard look at him. There was no ******** way… But it was an awfully specific age to mention. Maybe he really was forty and he just had amazing genes. Or maybe purification was the ultimate wrinkle solution. In any case, she finished her cigarette and then dropped the butt on the ground, grinding it under her heel. She’d pick it up and toss it once they were done here. “The Negaverse is all I’ve known,” she admitted. “And for a while, it didn’t seem so bad. Just the other side being all reactionary, you know? But then you start actually talking to the other side and getting to know some of them and all those years of acceptance start to not make as much sense anymore. But let’s be real here. There were always reasons to be paranoid. It’s just how we’re built, I guess.” Honestly, she was kind of touched that he’d told her as much as he had, even if it was couched in a lot of philosophical twistiness. It couldn’t be easy for him. If it was her, she wasn’t sure that she’d be able to present herself so calmly. “Oh, there’s change,” she said softly. “I just don’t think any of it is good. If you don’t mind my asking, why did you leave? What was the catalyst?” Then, thinking that she owed her some small explanation, if only to prove she wasn’t collecting information in order to cause him harm, she added, “I’m in a bit of a dilemma, I guess. I saved a chibi senshi, y’see. Lied out my a** to do it and I would do it again in a heartbeat, I think. But it’s put some vindictive eyes on me. I guess I’m just trying to figure out what to do.”
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Posted: Tue Sep 09, 2025 2:46 pm
He did not tell the truth, which was, of course, that he had one day woken up after years of intermittent escape from his guilt and found that it had returned once more to his side, and that he could no longer endure the thought of letting it tag along with him day in and out, waking up with him and falling asleep with him. "Just got sick of hiding from it," he said instead, which made it sound like he meant running from being detected - the way they had been discussing. He said it with a casual shrug, as if it were a decision not much worth analyzing. "Powered up and ran straight for the first big Order signature I could find, instead. Not much dignity in it," he observed. "But dignity's overrated. Order's sort of - decentralized, you know?" he added. "Which is why they - we - don't seem to get ******** done, I suppose. But it's nice not being in the panopticon, even if I still get jumpy every time I'm wandering around like this. At least if I get jumped now it's not by my own people, you know?" He paused, and grinned. "Damn. I should have lied and said it was a big act of heroism on my side, too. Now you've got the upper hand on the conversation."
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Posted: Thu Sep 11, 2025 9:14 am
Snorting a laugh, Ilmare considered his story and nodded. It made sense. It sounded like he’d just reached his breaking point a lot sooner than she was. She still held out hope that things could change for the better. That somehow, every awful thing that was asked of her would make sense eventually and those sacrifices would truly pave the way for a better future. But Christ, even thinking about it made her stomach churn. There were things that she couldn’t justify and wasn’t sure she’d ever be able to. Like that lieutenant going after a chibi because he’d been perceived as weak and lawful prey. Ilmare wasn't sure that she was ever going to be able to forget the threatening words she’d overheard. There was no excuse for threatening a child’s starseed. Not a damned one. “I’m not sure I’d choose the word ‘heroism’,” she protested, holding her hands up. The knight’s reaction bolstered her emotions though. He approved of what she’d done, at least. “And I’m really not sure how that gives me the upper hand here, but thanks? I dunno. I just couldn’t stomach targeting a kid like that and acting like it was a god given right to do so.” The more she thought about it, the more she found herself wondering if she’d end up following in this knight’s footsteps one day. Just wake up, decide she was done and run for the nearest power signature that wasn’t dripping in Chaos. What if she went before she reached that breaking point? It was a question that she wasn't sure that she was willing to face yet. “Level with me,” she finally said after a long, thoughtful pause. “Was it worth it? Jumping to the other team, I mean. I know they’re a hot mess on the whole when it comes to working together in big groups. And I ******** hate that some of their cats just blithely wake up little kids to fight in this mess, but I’m trying to be fair here and look at it as a desperation move and not hold it against them too much. But I don’t see them using youma or shoving their hands into people’s chests… So. Was it worth it?”
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Posted: Thu Sep 11, 2025 9:20 pm
"Yeah. ******** the cats, couldn't agree more. But I didn't exactly ask for the hand in my chest either," he pointed out. He couldn't remember it - thank God - but he knew this part was truer than he'd normally speak. It was proving to be a little more difficult than he liked to get theatrical dishonesty fitted around the circumstances of what he was thinking of as his rebirth. "And I don't know - call me crazy - but the whole 'both sides same' thing doesn't sit well with me, especially lately." He rolled a shoulder. "Who knows? Maybe they weren't lying to us. Maybe they're really the good ones and we're annoying impediments on the road to a grand Utopian future. But I sleep a lot better without the fear that I'm going to be asked to yank someone's future out through their ribs or else get mine crushed, you know?" He paused, and then another grin, entirely too casual for the topic: "I still don't sleep great. But I think that's the chainsmoker lungs. And anyway, you wouldn't believe how often a forty year old man has to get up to piss at night."
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Posted: Fri Sep 12, 2025 10:07 am
”Neither did I,” Ilmare answered curtly, though her voice remained soft. She still had no idea which of the Dark Kingdoms cat had identified her and alerted the Generals. It was probably better that way. The cat had only been doing its job. It wasn’t the one who’d cornered her in a dark alley and shoved a groping, seizing hand into her chest to painfully squeeze her starseed and flood it with Chaos. And she’d been welcomed in with such pretty, welcoming words once her ordeal had concluded. Her suffering had been a sad but necessary part of awakening her true self. And she’d even believed that for the longest time… “Yeah, neither did I,” she repeated. “And yet, here we are. I can’t claim any great insight when it comes to either side, though I think I far prefer the one that doesn’t d**k around with starseeds. Or create insanely powerful blasts of Chaos energy… That s**t still gives me the heebie jeebies and it’s been months since I saw Laurelite manage that trick.” She found herself nodding sympathetically when he mentioned not being able to sleep, though she doubted that his smoker lungs contributed much to that issue. The rest, though… Ilmare made a face before beginning to laugh a little helplessly. “My dude, we’re not even on a knowing the other’s magical, made-up name basis. We are for hella certain not anywhere near sharing our pissing habits with each other. Though I guess I should thank you for the horrifying glimpse of what my future might hold if I survive that long.” Okay, so, the knight was weird. Like… really damn weird. But he was also earnest in a way that she felt she could trust. He wasn’t trying to play up one side or another and, well. He’d been part of the Negaverse. He knew about the kinds of s**t they could get up to. Frankly, it was nice to talk to someone who understood. Even if he couldn’t remember why he understood. “So, honest opinion. If you were in my shoes, what would you do?”
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Posted: Fri Sep 12, 2025 7:25 pm
He was silent for a moment. There was no use in pointing out to her that he wasn't her. But she hadn't asked that, had she? She'd only asked what he'd do in her metaphorical shoes. At last, he answered, with a sudden sober bluntness: "What I did."
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Posted: Sat Sep 13, 2025 10:53 am
A flicker of resigned panic crossed her face as she slumped, just a tiny bit. It was the answer she'd expected, but not the tone. And it was that tone that drove home just how enormously screwed she was at the moment. "Well, balls," she muttered softly, feeling very tired. Studying the knight silently for a long moment, she finally decided that he was giving her what she'd asked for. His honest opinion. It wasn't his fault that she wasn't quite ready to hear it. There was so much she needed to do first. Things to retrieve and hide from her home. Records to destroy to keep them out of the Generals hands... But the more she thought about it, the more she realized that there was a sense of relief under her worrying. She had a way out if she could just work up the guts to ******** run. Exhaling noisily, she shook her head, feeling the weight of her hair swinging. Glanced down at the black pit within her chest. And that was what finally made up her mind. Seeing her chest and forehead unblemished would be a wonderful thing. Glancing at the knight, she wondered if he understood even a part of all the feels she was feeling. "So," she finally said. "Got any recs for who I might be able to talk to?"
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Posted: Sat Sep 13, 2025 3:52 pm
Well, this was awkward. "I mean," he said, spreading his hands and gesturing at himself. "But I'm pretty useless. And I guess - the girl I threw myself at, but she's gonna be pissed and I'm gonna be honest, I'm not sure I wanna be on her bad side more than I already am. She's scary when she wants to be. She'd help, though." A pause. "But you know - I figured out - once you really, really, really know what you want - once you've really, really decided - you don't have to ask anyone. There's a Princess out there that can just sort of hear it and know and she swoops down at the ready. I'll be real, I think it stole my girl's thunder," he added with a laugh. "But that's all I know. There's other ways, I think - I talked to some people who got me set up over here - it seems like there's options. But for me I never really needed to - well - do anything, beyond being ready for it." He hesitated, and he smiled, but it wasn't a grin this time, and had its own quality of sober consideration in it. "And I mean. Well. Are you really?"
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