|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
 Posted: Sun Aug 17, 2025 11:29 am
Follows Something that lastsTakes place early July 2025
He should’ve been filling out the rest of the paperwork. That had been the plan. But Evan had waved him off with a warm “go take a break” and a kiss to the top of his head, and now Riker was sitting on the edge of the bed he shared with Julian, staring at the corner of the room as if waiting for answers to suddenly appear.
He stopped playing and let the guitar rest across his lap, then let out a long, quiet sigh.
“They left a blank space,” he said after a moment, not quite looking at Julian. “For a middle name. And a last name, too. If I want to change it.”
His voice was calm, but there was something heavy behind the words. It wasn’t fear or doubt, just… overwhelmed with a decision that felt too important to get wrong.
“I’ve never had a middle name,” he explained. “And the last name I do have…” He trailed off. He didn’t need to finish because Julian knew.
Riker glanced towards the door, as if he could see Evan through it, and then looked at Julian, hesitating once more, his fingers still resting against the strings.
“I don’t want to keep it. But I don’t know what to put instead.”
|
 |
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Posted: Sun Aug 17, 2025 11:31 am
Julian had another headache.
He’d taken some medicine about twenty minutes ago and was lying in bed while he waited for the Tylenol to kick in. His back was to the wall, body half curled beneath the blanket as he watched Riker’s back. He had his arm under a pillow and his cheek pressed into that while he listened to the music.
He listened, like he always did, with an endless patience.
Julian’s gaze had wandered to some far off dimension, like he was looking at Riker’s spine but seeing through it. When Riker turned to him, he blinked and let their eyes meet.
“Can you pick anything?” he asked. It wasn’t the first of his questions; Riker had already answered several earlier, when he came upstairs bright and elated and eager to share. After Julian’s initial congratulations and enthusiasm, they’d started talking about some of the other things about the process, and it had led them here.
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Posted: Sun Aug 17, 2025 11:31 am
Riker sighed, both soft and heavy, before leaning back to lay down on the bed, settling his head down gently so he didn’t hurt Julian. He didn’t lay on him, but the top of his head ended up somewhere near Julian’s chest, his ear almost against his curled up knee. He picked a couple strings as he laid the guitar across his stomach, but it didn’t sound nearly as good so he just held it there instead.
“I think so,” he said, frowning up at the glow-in-the-dark stars that had been shaped into a bigger star at some point in the last few months. He stared quietly up at them for a little while, just thinking. Or at least letting things settle into his heart.
“I could take Harper,” Riker said eventually, almost like he was testing the sound of it. “That’s Evan’s name.” But Julian already knew that, of course. He tapped his fingers on the guitar again, not really playing it, but not wanting to stay still. He felt too restless. Too on edge. Anxiety from an important decision welling up inside him.
“It’s not that I don’t want to. He’d done so much for me, and I… I want to be part of his family,” he said with a small breath of a sigh. “I just--... he didn’t get that name from anyone good. And I guess I don’t want to carry a name that makes him think about them. We’re starting something new. I don’t want to drag old stuff into it if we don’t have to.”
Evan didn’t talk much about his family, but Riker knew he was worried about not being a good parent because of his experience with his own. He wanted to make sure Evan never had to question if he was doing a good job or not.
“I thought maybe I could take it as a middle name. You know, so it’s still there. So I’m not, like… throwing it away. But I don’t know what to pick for a last name,” he sighed, tilting his head to look up at Julian as he laid on the bed with him, looking at him a bit helplessly.
“I keep going in circles.”
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Posted: Sun Aug 17, 2025 11:32 am
Riker didn’t look particularly comfortable laying like that, so while Julian remained still, he also groped for one of the other pillows and began to carefully edge it beneath Riker while he laid there, just to give him a bit more support.
“That makes sense.”
Julian seemed thoughtful, quiet in the way that meant he was giving something serious consideration. “It sounds like a really big decision. But, um, will it help take the pressure off to know that you can change your name again if you don’t feel like you have the right name immediately?”
This was good for the immediate future, but it’s not like it had to be final.
He tilted his head to better see Riker. “You’ll be part of his family no matter what name you choose. Picking one name doesn’t mean throwing the other one away. But I think it’s sweet that you want to share his name.”
Evan didn’t really talk about his parents much with Julian, so he felt like he’d heard more about them from Riker. It wasn’t that Evan was evasive about the subject, just that it hadn’t really come up between him and Julian.
“Have you asked him what the name Harper means to him?” Julian suggested, still carefully adjusting the pillow to make sure Riker could actually recline.
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Posted: Sun Aug 17, 2025 11:32 am
Riker made a soft, contented noise as Julian tucked the pillow beneath him. He let his eyes flutter shut for a few seconds, letting everything settle around him without trying to force it away. Julian’s voice was calming, so he was grateful to have him to talk to about stuff like this.
“I haven’t asked him yet,” he admitted, his voice quiet. “I think I will. I mean, I know I should. I don’t want him to think I’m trying to reject him or anything. I’m not! I just…”
He opened his eyes to look back up at the stars, as though hoping they would make it easier to sort through his own thoughts. He loved Evan and wanted to be his son, he knew that. And that had to be the most important thing, right?
“I think he’d understand. He’s never wanted me to be anything I’m not,” he breathed, his fingers curling loosely over the guitar strings again, brushing over one with a soft twang, then moving his hand away again.
“I like what you said though. That I don’t have to get it perfect the first time. I guess I just want it to mean something,” he shrugged a little, but it wasn’t dismissive, and Julian would probably pick up that it was his little defense mechanism for when he was being too honest.
“Does your last name mean something to you? Or… is it just the one you were given?” he asked curiously, tilting his head slightly to turn towards Julian again.
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Posted: Sun Aug 17, 2025 11:32 am
When the pillow was settled, Julian had busied himself with gently stroking through Riker’s hair. He was always careful with how he touched Riker, always cautious like he might take up too much space or cross an invisible boundary. He respected Riker, and his space, so he was mindful and attentive.
…But Riker was stressed, and lying on him, and Julian had come to learn what little gestures were soothing and welcome. Riker didn’t always ask for comfort so sometimes Julian had to guess.
“My last name?” he parrotted, buying himself only a second more to think about it. “It means ‘Son of Cana’. But I don’t know if there was anyone named that in my family. I think cana means wolf cub. We had a project in elementary school,” he explained, like he had to justify knowing anything about it.
He knew it wasn’t what Riker was asking, and maybe if there hadn’t been an important decision hinging on the horizon, he might have continued to feign ignorance.
Riker was important to him, and this decision was important to Riker, so he thought a little deeper and answered a little more truthfully. “I guess that’s what it means to me. I don’t know if I really thought about it before.” He had. “It’s just a part of me. Like my arm or my leg. I didn’t pick those either, but they’re still mine. Um. I mean, I like my name,” he said after a moment, a bit slower now that he had to actually unpack things with a bit more care. M is right in the middle of the alphabet, so I don’t ever have to worry about being first or last. McCann is easy to say, and easy to spell. So it’s easy for people. It’s not unique so it doesn’t really stand out or give people a hard time.”
He was chewing on the inside of his cheek, still considering. “It means…hm.” He told himself there wasn’t a wrong answer but it felt like there might be one in hiding. “I don’t know. I don’t think I could change my last name,” he admitted. “I don’t know if I could ever give it up. I feel, um. Protective over it, I think. I want to take care of it. Ah, I’m sorry. Maybe that sounds weird. I’ll think about it a little more. I can see how hard this must be for you,” he said, offering an apologetic smile.
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Posted: Sun Aug 17, 2025 11:33 am
“It doesn’t sound weird,” Riker softly reassured him, letting his eyes flutter closed once more as Julian stroked his hand through his hair.
He meant what he said, of course. It wasn’t weird. And he could tell how much thought Julian put into his answer, how much care he’d taken to give Riker something that was real and honest and not just a flippant response. It settled into him, like a grounding weight that kept him from being washed away in his fears and uncertainty.
“I think that’s why I don’t want to keep mine,” he said quietly after a few moments longer. Just long enough to listen to Julian breathing, and feel the gentle fingers through his hair.
“‘Starmount’ was never mine to begin with. It was hers… The name she went back to after the divorce. Her husband-- well… ex. The guy she was married to before I was born-- he wouldn’t let her put his name on my birth certificate. He knew I wasn’t his.”
He gently shifted the guitar off of his stomach and moved it onto the bed beside him. He reached up, and although the angle was a little awkward, managed to brush his fingers against Julian’s forehead, and the golden hair that spilled across the bed beside him.
“So she gave me hers, and that’s what I’ve had ever since. But it doesn’t feel like it belongs to me. It’s just another thing she decided for me, and now when I hear people call me that, I sometimes flinch, because it makes me think of her.” He didn’t sound angry about it, just tired. Julian had been to the baseball games where that woman had been present. He’d seen how disruptive she was. A lot of his defensiveness and bad behavior came from trying to either avoid her, or get her attention. It made him feel sick just thinking about it.
“I don’t want to carry her name for the rest of my life. I don’t want to look at it and think of everything that came with it. I want to leave it behind, if I can,” he sighed softly, still resting against Julian.
“I guess that’s what I’m trying to figure out. If I let go of that name, what’s left?” he quietly huffed. “I want to start over. I just… don’t know what that means yet.”
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Posted: Sun Aug 17, 2025 11:33 am
Julian stayed still, not out of compliance but out of comfort. He could have moved, if he wanted to. He didn’t.
It wasn’t just the headache, or the fact that he was comfortably tucked in, it was that Riker had trusted him to lay here with him, and to work through these things with Julian as an audience. The touches were always respectful; Julian tried to soothe him by playing with his hair, and invited Riker’s hands to go wherever they pleased, as long as it brought him peace.
“That makes sense.” It did. He could understand the logic behind it easily. His stomach twisted at the idea of Riker’s mother, who was so loud, and so cruel, effortlessly. Who didn’t care who saw her drunk, or ranting, or swearing, at Riker’s games. Julian had never felt comfortable when she showed up. Poor Riker, who had to go home with her.
Julian hoped she got whatever help she needed. He hoped it more for Riker.
“I think picking out your own name is a good idea.” Riker didn’t need approval but Julian wanted to make sure he had the support. “Like, um. The first step in building the you that you want to be? But where you get to pick and choose the pieces that you keep, and which ones you let go?”
His fingers were still gentle, smoothing Riker’s hair like it was as calming for him as it was for Riker. “You should have a name that makes you feel safe. A name you want to protect, too.”
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Posted: Sun Aug 17, 2025 11:33 am
“I think you’re right,” he let out a soft breath, comforted by the soothing hand playing with his hair. “I just… don’t know how to do that. Or where to start.”
Sure, there were names that he liked. Words that sounded strong or soft or simple. But none of them felt like they fit. None of them felt like his. He didn’t say that out loud, though, because it was more than that. More than whether something fit or felt like his.
“I think part of me doesn’t want to be the one to pick,” he admitted with a quiet groan, because he hated the idea of putting that task on someone else. “It just… feels weird. Like, I know it’s supposed to be about choice, but when it comes to something that important, even if it doesn’t have to be final, I don’t know… I almost don’t trust myself. Like I’ll get it wrong.” He took a moment to let out a slow breath, to gently twist his fingers around Julian’s soft hair.
“I’ve never had a name that felt like it was given to me because someone cared. It was always about what was convenient. What was easiest. What looked good on paper,” he sighed, although he hated that he was doing a lot of sighing about this.
“I think I want to earn it. Or at least have it be something I could live up to. Something I can keep safe and protect,” he tried to explain, repeating some of what Julian suggested because he agreed with it, but he wasn’t sure if he was making any sense. “I like Riker, though. Even if she gave it to me, it doesn’t feel like hers. Our friends use it, and Evan. And you… You make it sound like it means something. Like it’s mine. I want to keep that piece of myself.”
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Posted: Sun Aug 17, 2025 11:33 am
In many ways, Julian was predictable. He stayed still while Riker played with his hair, like it was a quiet offering to fidget with while he worked through things. Julian never stopped stroking Riker’s hair, intent on giving him a familiar, easy to expect pattern to help soothe him.
“That makes sense,” he said again. Julian didn’t rush to speak; he held the silence with a thoughtful respect, considering the words and their meaning just as much as his answer. He offered a gentle smile, maybe a little tired, but no less endeared to Riker or his kind words.
“Do you want me to help you pick?” he asked, but there was hesitation in his voice. “But–you can say no. Or change your name later if you found something better. But, um. Would you want…”
He fell quiet for a few seconds, and though it looked like he wanted to flop his face into the pillow, he stayed perfect still to make sure Riker stayed comfortable, too.
“...Actually, I’m not very creative.” Apologetic, but sincere. “The only name I can think of is mine.”
He couldn’t even remember Elliot or Atticus’ last name. What was Zac’s last name?
Julian squinted in thought but his mind remained empty, so he relaxed his face and found Riker’s eyes again. “My name is important to me. I’d share it with you. Not because it’s convenient,” even though it was, “and not just because it means that we’d get to sit next to each other any time we were lined up alphabetically.” But that would be nice, too.
“...It’s a lot of work, to keep it safe and protected,” he admitted. “...I could use the help.”
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Posted: Sun Aug 17, 2025 11:35 am
Something in Riker’s chest tightened, but not in a way that felt uncomfortable or upsetting. It was just that… something about the offer… the tentative, shy, but obviously deeply sincere way Julian offered made it hard for him to speak for a few moments. He could feel Julian’s heartbeat even through the pillow as he rested against him, steady and warm. It was grounding and real.
“I--... yeah,” he tried to speak, but his voice cracked a little. He cleared his throat and tried again. “I’d liked that.” He remained where he was for the moment, as if he was afraid that moving would wake him from whatever dream this was.
“I think it matters more because it came from you,” he said softly. “Not because it’s convenient or easy or whatever, but because it’s yours. And you’re choosing to share it with me.”
The thought of being Riker Harper McCann made something flutter in his chest. Somehow… it felt right.
“And… you don’t have to be creative,” he said, tilting his head up to look at Julian again. “You’re giving me something that is important to you. That’s more than enough. So don’t worry. I’ll help you keep it safe. I promise.”
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Posted: Sun Aug 17, 2025 11:35 am
Always torn between looking at Riker and looking away when such traces of emotion slipped through, Julian decided today to keep his eyes on him. To see him. Not to grant him a faux-privacy, to allow comfort and companionship while also pretending not to exist.
Riker’s decision was important. It was worth being there with him for it.
When Riker looked at him, he smiled again. A sliver of nervousness was present, because how could it not be when Riker was talking about choosing a name, about considering his name.
Julian didn’t hide behind the smile; it wasn’t insincere. It wasn’t the complacent smile he wore just to present pleasantly.
Maybe McCann was convenient, or easy, or looked good on paper, but it could be those things and be important. It wasn’t just some random letters on a page; it had been present with Julian all his life. And he’d never thought to be ashamed of it–defended his name, even. And everyone who wore it before him.
He’d defend it for everyone who would wear it after, too.
But that would probably only ever be Riker, all things considered. He might not even choose to keep it.
So, Julian was glad to share it. Maybe it was the only time he’d ever be able to.
“Thank you, Riker. You know I’d trust you with anything, right? Of course I’d share with you. I’d share anything with you.”
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Posted: Sun Aug 17, 2025 11:35 am
Riker’s chest tightened again, but this time with unmistakable joy. It scared him a little, knowing how much weight something like a name could carry, or how real it made everything feel, but Julian’s smile helped. His voice and presence helped.
Carefully, Riker pushed himself up from where he was laying across the bed, making sure not to knock his guitar off in the process. He shifted a bit so he could face Julian properly, with one leg tucked beneath him as he reached out his hand.
“Come here,” he requested, his words gentle. And when Julian took his hand to sit up, Riker pulled him into a hug with no hesitation once he was close enough. He wrapped his arms around him and held him tight. He wanted to convey so many things he couldn’t bring himself to say out loud without getting emotional. Gratitude and comfort and to let Julian know how much he mattered to him.
He held on for a long while, maybe longer than he needed to, but he also didn’t want to let Julian go. When he leaned back a bit, he took a moment to look at Julian’s face, trying to search his expression for anything he might have missed.
“How’s your head?” he asked, reaching up to brush some of Julian’s hair from his face and tucking it behind his ear. “Still hurting?” His voice was soft, and while it was not always like that for others, it was easy with Julian. After another moment, he leaned in to place a gentle kiss against his forehead.
“If it is… I want to help. Even if I can’t do much. I just… want to be here for you. It’s not just the name I want to protect.”
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Posted: Sun Aug 17, 2025 11:36 am
Obliging, as always, Julian took Riker’s hand. He pulled himself up carefully, and sank into the hug amenably. The hug spoke a language that word could not, and he felt how much it meant to Riker.
A minute might have passed, or ten, or fifty. Julian didn’t move. He rested his head on Riker’s chin and wrapped his arms around him, tangling his fingers loosely at the small of Riker’s back. He loosened them only when Riker drew away, but sensing the scrutiny of his expression, he promptly smiled again.
“It’s okay,” he assured, not too fast and not too eagerly. “I might drink some more water. But the medicine’s helping. I think I was just looking at the screen for too long.”
Maybe it was the truth, or just the truth he’d convinced himself of, or a gentle lie. The how wasn’t so important sometimes. But, the medicine was helping. He looked a little tired, but there were no worried lines on his face, no knitted brows, no muscle twitches he was trying to hide beneath the curtain of hair.
“I’ll be better soon. Before dinner. But, um.” He smiled, and the corners of his eyes crinkled. “Thank you. For always looking after me, too. You do such a good job. That’s how I know you’d take care of my name, too. Well–our name,” he corrected, because he could get used to that, easily.
Riker might still change his mind, tonight, tomorrow. Whenever. His last name might not be McCann forever. But it could be, for now. And it might not be better than Starmount but it would be better for him than Starmount. And it could be a placeholder until he found something even better, if it came to it.
“You do so much for me,” he reminded gently. Riker didn’t have to tell himself he couldn’t do much, he was always doing something for Julian. Sometimes things he meant to do, and sometimes things he didn’t even notice himself doing. “Um, but maybe you could pass me the water bottle?” he suggested, because if Riker did want to help, he could give him an easy task to do it. And, the water bottle was right by where he was sitting.
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Posted: Sun Aug 17, 2025 11:36 am
Riker let out a quiet breath, both in relief and something heavier, like the weight of everything still around him. But Julian’s words settled into his heart, warm and soft and slow, and although Riker wasn’t the greatest at believing good things about himself, he believed Julian.
“Okay,” he nodded. “One water, coming up.” He leaned over to grab the bottle, unscrewing the cap before passing it over. His fingers lingered against Julian’s for a moment or two longer than was strictly necessary as he handed off the water, but lifted his eyes to meet Julian’s as he did so.
“I mean it. I’ll keep doing my best,” he promised, his voice quiet and meant clearly only for Julian. “With our name. With you. With… everything.”
With himself, he didn’t say out loud, but he hoped Julian knew what he meant. He usually did. Julian had a way of being able to understand so many unspoken things between them.
There were still a bunch of feelings he wasn’t sure how to express, like how scared he was to lose whatever this was, or how deeply it had already settled into his very soul, but he didn’t want to make things more difficult than they had to be. Especially when Julian was trying to rest so he could feel better. And he didn’t want to take away from what had already been said and what they had chosen together.
So instead, he leaned in once more, resting his forehead lightly against Julian’s for a moment.
“Thank you for putting your faith in me. I won’t let you down, Jules. Let’s just take it easy until dinner,” he hummed, voice gentle. “We don’t have to do anything else right now. Unless you’d like me to play you a song?”
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
