|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
 Posted: Sun Apr 23, 2023 8:25 pm
The drive was mostly silent. There was a knot in Orien’s throat that he couldn’t work out. He was nervous. He was feeling nauseous. He just wanted to get back to the little apartment he stayed in. He wanted to get Kaelan settled.
They were both just tired. They could figure things out in the morning.
“It’s just down the street,” he said as he stepped out of the car from where he had to park it in the first open spot he could find. On the way he’d pointed out various places of interest in the area. The public library, coffee shops, convenience stores. He wanted to make sure Kaelan could survive on his own, if he ended up not wanting to have anything to do with him.
The clouds had finally opened a little. It was drizzling now, but not so bad that they had to seek shelter. They would just be damp by the time they got to the apartment.
“I missed your voice,” Orien said quietly, almost to himself. He was still uncertain about how things were playing out, but he kept an eye on Kaelan out of the corner of his eye as they walked down the sidewalk. He’d made sure Kaelan was farthest from the road, just in case.
“I missed you.” He hadn’t said it before, but now that he had a whole car ride to process his thoughts, he knew the longing he felt wasn’t just his own loneliness.
|
 |
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Posted: Sun Apr 23, 2023 9:32 pm
It wasn’t what Kaelan had thought it was going to be. And, that was okay. It wasn’t fair to rely on memories or to have expectations of Orien. He was his own person, living his own life. He’d probably just grown up a lot since they were apart. He was driving, he had his own place, a job.
It was a quiet ride for the most part. Kaelan recognized some of it. Most of it looked unfamiliar, and he suspected they must have done a lot of renovations and construction since he’d been in the area. He wasn’t from this part of town though, so it wasn’t surprising that it all looked pretty new.
He nodded along when Orien spoke, but found he had little he could add aside from an occasional ‘That looks neat’.
Kaelan kept his eyes out the window, not because he wanted to avoid Orien, but because it was getting harder to control the expressions on his face. He took slow, even breaths, and would alternate between one eye open and the other closed to try and manage the wetness. His throat burned, and at one point in time he was aware that he was digging his nails into his knees while they moved, so he’d had to adjust positions so he couldn’t. His trembling lip was too noticeable, so being able to watch the world go by was a good distraction. He felt a fire in his throat that burned all the way up his nose.
The sinking sensation only grew. In the silence, his thoughts and emotions had time to breed and multiply and sour. By the time they parked, he felt like an imposition and was wondering if it was too late to find some way to get sent back to the detention center. He didn’t want to go to jail, though.
When they’d gotten out of the car, he’d wrapped the plastic bag tightly over his papers and folded it to make sure to keep the moisture out. He only had this outfit, so the dampness was distressing, but he didn’t think it was important enough to voice any concern.
He walked next to Orien, keeping up with his pace. At first, he looked around, and then he’d just kept his eyes focused in front of him. Part of it was just an old habit; he didn’t like taking up too much space.
There was enough going on that he thought he might have misheard Orien, or just imagined hearing something.
Still, he looked up immediately when he thought he heard Orien say he missed his voice. He relaxed a bit when he knew Orien said he’d missed him.
That was one thing to be less worried about, at least.
Kaelan tried not to look so miserable or anxious or doubtful. He was happy to be with Orien! That should override everything else. He just needed to ignore the rest. Just. Focus on Orien.
…But it really wasn’t fair to put that burden on him. Especially if he was already seeming a little distant.
He managed a smile, even if it was a bit subdued. “I wish I could have called. Or that you could have visited. Not that I would have asked you to come back to that place. I loved your letters though, I’ve still got all of them. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve reread them.”
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Posted: Mon Apr 24, 2023 1:47 pm
Orien nodded and kept his arms crossed over his chest as they walked. His hands were twitching uncomfortably, but there wasn’t anything he could do about that. He felt… like a jerk. This was the first time they’d seen each other in nearly a year, and he couldn’t get over his own horrible thoughts that kept gnawing at his brain.
“I’ve memorized some of yours,” he admitted as he shuffled along, and then pointed to one of the grungy looking buildings coming up to indicate where they were headed. “It’s easier to distract myself that way from… other things. Work…”
There were so many things he wanted to say. So many things he wanted to do. They’d made promises. Plans. If only he could get out of his own head saying that Kaelan didn’t really mean it.
“I think you grew another inch since I last saw you,” he said after a moment, glancing over at Kaelan again. He wasn’t too tall, himself, but he was still about as thin as he’d been in the detention center.
“I’m… no good without you.” It was as though the thoughts couldn’t figure out how to organize themselves, so he was just saying things as they came to him. He knew he sounded crazy already, but… at least next to Kaelan, he was slowly starting to recalibrate his thoughts.
If only Kaelan had the patience to put up with it.
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Posted: Mon Apr 24, 2023 2:00 pm
It didn’t feel like the letters. It didn’t feel like it had been when he’d last seen him.
Kaelan only knew what the letters had said, and he was worried for Orien. He didn’t want to see him shut down, didn’t want to see him pushing Kaelan away. It was more than just self preservation. Kaelan hadn’t even started to think about what would happen if Orien didn’t actually want him around, he was just worried that something had happened to him. Or that he was trying to quietly push Kaelan away so he didn’t have to break it off.
But he was saying so many sweet things, it was–
It was confusing. Hopeful! But Kaelan was afraid to get his hopes up right now.
He felt like he’d grown more than an inch since they last saw each other, but maybe that was just because he felt like he was being squeezed out of his clothes.
“You’re plenty good without me,” he insisted, and bit the inside of his cheek again. Briefly, he adjusted his papers so he could tuck them under his jacket; he could hold them under one arm. “What’s going on with work?” The hand closest to Orien was free, and it felt very empty.
His mouth felt like it was stuffed with cotton and he felt ridiculous when he asked, maybe against better judgment, “Do you want to hold hands?”
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Posted: Mon Apr 24, 2023 2:23 pm
Orien glanced over at Kaelan for a moment, and then down at his hand. The rain was starting to fall a little harder now, but they were almost at his apartment building.
It didn’t matter. A couple doors weren’t stopping them from anything. Orien uncrossed his arms so he could reach over and take Kaelan’s hand. He squeezed it, maybe too tightly. It was as if maybe if he held it tightly enough, Kaelan would understand everything all at once. Maybe there was no need for words between them, like it used to be.
But a year had passed. Kaelan might be ready to move on.
“I was told I wasn’t being paid to cry, and if I break another dish I’ve got to find another job,” he mumbled, obviously embarrassed about it, but apparently it was easier to be honest and open when he was touching Kaelan.
“I’m no good without you,” he said again, a bit stronger this time because he knew that was the truth.
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Posted: Mon Apr 24, 2023 2:50 pm
His expression changed again, and though his smile fell it wasn’t because he was unhappy with Orien.
Just worried.
He squeezed Orien’s hand back just as tightly, adjusting only slightly so he could properly lace fingers with him.
“Well,” he said after a few seconds, “I have to get a job, too. So if you aren’t happy there, you’ll just have to find somewhere better. I can help.”
He hoped he wasn’t being too presumptuous. He hoped it didn’t sound like he was just trying to use Orien. He hoped he didn’t walk into his apartment and meet some handsome new guy Orien had shacked up with.
“It sounds like they don’t appreciate you there, anyway. How are your hands, have you been massaging them?”
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Posted: Mon Apr 24, 2023 3:07 pm
“I don’t know what else to do,” he admitted. “This will be… the fifth place I’ve worked since getting out. No one wants to hire me, and whatever work they have me do I just ******** up,” Orien grumbled, holding tightly to Kaelan’s hand still as he paused to open the front door of the building.
“Sorry, it’s… it’s on the seventh floor. The elevators don’t usually work,” he mumbled and glanced over to where there was indeed a sign that said it was out of order. “The good news is there’s no one above us to make noise.”
Yeah, but it was still a long way up. Not as long as it could be but still.
He paused and glanced at Kaelan again. “Would you like me to carry you?”
They were wet and it would probably be dangerous, but Kaelan was probably exhausted. Well, Orien was exhausted too, but it was the least he could offer, especially after being so… weird.
“I try to massage them, but… I usually just get frustrated,” he finally said, not because he was ignoring Kaelan, but because he felt ashamed.
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Posted: Mon Apr 24, 2023 3:15 pm
Oh! Being carried sounded so nice that Kaelan didn’t quite realize that Orien had said the seventh floor until a few seconds later.
“I would love for you to carry me,” he said, absolutely sincere. But, the practical part of him said that they shouldn’t. If Orien slipped, they’d both go down, and he definitely couldn’t afford a hospital bill right now.
“But.” He looked down. “These clothes smell kind of stale. I don’t want that in your face. Can we just hold hands on the way up? I can massage your hands when we get up there. You seem a little tense.”
He hoped it wasn’t a weird observation. Hoped it wasn’t something that could be taken the wrong way.
Kaelan still intended to carry through with his promises, he still wanted to take care of Orien.
“Is there anything I can do to help? I’m sorry it took me so long to get out. I tried to get out sooner, but.” Well, Orien already knew all about that. “But–I’ll help now, however I can. I took all the first aid classes I could get into. And home ec. And–well, you know, everything in my letters. Even if it’s just cooking or cleaning or anything. I don’t know the first thing about getting a job,” he admitted. “But I’ll start looking. Today, even, if I have to.”
He’d rather stay with Orien and talk and just catch up, but. He didn’t like seeing him worry so much.
“I think I have all of my papers. I can go to the library and make applications. Well–I don’t have a phone that works, but–” the avalanche of thoughts had somewhat frozen in his mind, but each new thought felt dangerously close to disrupting it again. He didn’t have a headache yet, but there was a strange pressure in his mind.
He didn’t know what he was going to do and he didn't know who to ask for help. He didn’t want to make things harder for Orien or make all of this his problem, too.
“Well, I can get that all figured out, it’s okay.” Even if he didn’t have a bank account either, or–
He’d figure it out. It would be okay. Probably.
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Posted: Mon Apr 24, 2023 5:52 pm
Stupidly, Orien’s heart skipped a beat. He had to pause and rethink what Kaelan just said. He said he would love for him to carry him. Oh. It wasn’t--...
Orien lifted his freehand to rub at his face. He was tired. His head hurt. His whole body hurt, really.
He rolled his shoulders and nodded and squeezed Kaelan’s hand again before starting the trek up the stairs.
“You don’t have to start today. I wanted to… I don’t know… sit and talk to you. Maybe we can take a bath,” he shrugged, hoping that didn’t sound too weird. It wasn’t as though they had baths in the center. Just showers, and they were usually not the most fun.
“I tried getting some clothes for you. And I just went to the grocery store so there’s food if you’re hungry. I… I don’t have much, but you’re welcome to all of it.”
Because no matter what his brain told him, his heart still felt the same as it always had for Kaelan. There was nothing that could truly make him feel differently. Just… himself and his own thoughts and lack of confidence after so long.
“We’ll be okay, remember?” he hummed, gently nudging Kaelan as they went up the flight. “I wish I knew what could help. I think you being around will.”
He paused and frowned at himself. “If you want to stay, I mean.”
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Posted: Mon Apr 24, 2023 7:10 pm
The weight in his chest felt like it was lessening. His heart was pounding, but it felt lighter than before.
“I’d really like to, please,” he said quickly. Maybe a little desperately. He had to stop on the stairs, but he could be grateful at least that they’d reached the next floor up. He didn't have to worry so much about losing his balance and toppling backwards. He was dizzy already, not from walking–well, maybe a little–but mostly because of all of this, just hitting him at once.
He wasn’t going to cry. Or, at least, he was going to try really hard not to.
He hadn’t been afraid of being vulnerable in front of Orien when they were last together. Things were different now, but the more he listened to Orien, the more he suspected–hoped–that it might not be because of him.
“I mean, we already know we’re good roommates!” he insisted, trying to sound less frantic than he felt. “And I missed being close to you. I don’t sleep well without you. And I missed you. A lot. I memorized some of your letters, too. And I looked forward to seeing you so much, I don’t want to have to say goodbye again. I’ve been worried about you, nobody understands me like you.”
It wasn’t a conversation he’d exactly wanted to have in the stairwell, but he couldn’t help it, he didn’t want to wait.
“I want to go see your place. Thank you. For everything.” For making sure he was fed and clothed and had shelter. For being so considerate that he’d gotten things ready for him, for taking care of him. Again. “I want to sit and talk, and–yes, I want a bath. I want a bath so badly. Just. I don’t want to take my eyes off of you. I really missed you!”
He squeezed his hand again, because his other arm was too full to give him a hug, and he wanted to kiss him, but–no, ******** it, he wanted to kiss him. Even if he had a boyfriend or anything else.
He leaned forward and pressed his lips to Orien’s, just desperate for that closeness. He knew something wasn’t quite right, something seemed just a little off about Orien’s handshake, but he hoped that there was enough in his kiss that might combat some of it.
Kaelan had too much to deal with, too much he wasn’t ready to process. He felt sick thinking about figuring out how to get a job, or thinking about his family, or figuring out what happened next, but Orien was here and he wanted to enjoy that for right now. Didn’t they deserve that much, at least?
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Posted: Mon Apr 24, 2023 7:19 pm
Orien didn’t know why he hadn’t been expecting the kiss. He’d worked it out in his head that this was all there was, that no matter what he said or did, he’d already ruined any chance they had at being normal now that they were both free from the hell they’d been in.
His heart ached, and for a moment his thoughts were in sync with his heart again.
So he kissed Kaelan back. Kissed him, and then gently pushed him against the stairwell wall so he could kiss him deeper, so he could wrap an arm around his waist and hold him close. He was aware enough that he didn’t want Kaelan in danger of falling down the stairs. They were both wet from the rain, and it was dangerous enough…
But he’d also gotten used to walking up and down the stairs almost every day.
He kept his arm around Kaelan’s back and pulled him away from the wall again before he got too used to resting there, and reached down to scoop him up into his arms. He didn’t care that they were relatively the same size. Orien knew what he wanted, and that was to get up to his apartment as quickly as possible.
“Hold on,” he said needlessly. He made sure Kaelan still had his bag of papers, and then started climbing his way up the stairs. “Don’t even start complaining. I won’t fall. Or drop you. It’s like carrying groceries.” Okay maybe not quite like that, but close enough.
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Posted: Mon Apr 24, 2023 7:53 pm
The kiss chased away his breath and some of his worries, and Kaelan was acutely aware of how much he missed Orien’s touch. He’d been lonely for the past year, and the letters were something but they weren’t this.
He laughed when Orien picked him up. A happy, trouble-free noise.
For another few seconds, he could forget all of his worries.
As soon as he was in Orien’s arms, he wrapped himself around him as best he could. “Groceries! This is so dangerous, Oreo.” He didn’t tell him to stop, he just relished the closeness. They probably wouldn’t fall, anyway. Orien seemed so confident in himself, so how could Kaelan doubt him?
Briefly, he felt guilt for worrying, but panic just seemed like a natural emotion so he couldn’t help it.
“You’re so silly. And strong. I really, really missed you.”
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Posted: Tue Apr 25, 2023 6:35 am
It was so surreal, being able to be close to Kaelan again after so long. After being so close for so long. The separation hadn’t been good for him. Maybe it hadn’t been good for either of them. Despite the letters they sent, it was a far cry from this.
His heart fluttered at the nickname, but he couldn’t just stop there and lavish Kaelan with kisses. No, he still had a few flights of stairs to go before he could let himself rest.
“How am I silly?” he let out a quiet laugh, but was mostly focused on not dropping Kaelan. “Have you seen those clothes you’re wearing? You’ve outgrown them so much. You’ll need to get out of them as soon as possible.”
But he did pause once he reached the next landing so he could give Kaelan a quick kiss.
“I really, really missed you too, Kay.”
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Posted: Tue Apr 25, 2023 8:22 am
Kaelan squeezed him a little tighter, partly because he wanted to hold Orien. Partly because he wanted to just hide against him. “I didn’t think I was going to fit, Orien, it was so embarrassing. I was trying to squeeze back into them. I was too embarrassed to ask if they had anything I could borrow. I wasn’t really thinking super clearly, either.”
He didn’t think he had to go into details, Orien knew him. Even if they hadn’t seen each other in so long, he didn’t think he’d changed that much. He was totally sure that Orien’s suggestion of getting him out of his clothes was purely for his own benefit.
“Are you sure you want to carry me the rest of the way? You could save your strength. In case you need it later.”
This was feeling a bit more natural, and he planted a few more kisses across his face, eager to reach wherever he could.
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Posted: Tue Apr 25, 2023 8:43 am
“If I had it my way, I would never put you down,” he grunted as he readjusted his hold on Kaelan and then continued his way up the stairs. He was starting to feel the strain of carrying him, but he didn’t want to let him go. Not yet. Not until they were at his apartment. And then maybe even then he would just hold him.
The kisses were nice, and the more Kaelan gave him, the more Orien realized how badly he needed them. They were keeping the paranoid thoughts down, at least for now. He wasn’t sure when they would be back, but it was nice feeling normal for a moment.
It was nice being with Kaelan again. And he kissed him when he could, wherever he could. While also making sure not to drop him or fall.
“I’ve got plenty of strength. It’ll probably be good that I’m using up some of it now so maybe I’ll give you some peace later. I can’t believe you managed to squeeze into those pants. You’ll probably need help taking them off. Good thing I’m here.”
Okay maybe his suggestions were a bit for his own benefit, but at least Kaelan wouldn’t be uncomfortable!
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
