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 Posted: Sun Apr 23, 2023 11:41 am
Kaelan exited the building with visible uncertainty. It wasn’t uncommon for him to keep quiet and to himself, but he’d really thought today was going to be different. Maybe in his heart he’d known better, but he couldn’t help but hope.
He’d wanted his family to be there. He wanted to see them, wanted to apologize, wanted to pick up where they’d left off. Wanted to prove that he’d made something of himself and was worth keeping around.
He’d gotten his personal belongings back, changed into real clothes, signed papers, gotten pamphlets, made promises. He was done here, but there was still follow up. He listened intently, but he’d have been lying if he said he was all there.
Of course he was happy to get out, he’d been waiting for this.
He just really hadn’t expected they wouldn’t be there.
They gave him papers with lists of resources while simultaneously warning him that he probably didn’t qualify for any of them. Kaelan suspected they didn’t care either way; they were glad to be rid of him. They didn’t expect him to go far.
It was fine, he didn’t care. He just wanted out.
He was anxious, worried that this was just a joke. Realistically, he knew it wasn’t; he’d had reviews, he’d had meetings. He’d been preparing for this for weeks.
And now, he was out. In the same clothes he’d gone in wearing, which were notably too small. He hadn’t considered how much he’d grown until his toes were curled in his shoes, and his pants were pinching, and his shirt kept riding up.
He had a stack of papers in his arms, tucked into a plastic grocery bag they’d been generous enough to part with. The bag was full with those and his other documents. And a stack of unopened, returned letters.
It was a cloudy day when he got out, and the air was thick with humidity. His hair was already sticking up a bit so he supposed it would rain. He wrapped the plastic over his papers as he mindlessly fussed over it. If they were all he had, he was going to do his best to keep them safe and dry.
He felt a bit numb from all of it, overwhelmed from–well, everything. He felt like every step was just a mindless fall. He didn’t know when he was going to hit the ground, but his stomach fluttered with dread and anxiousness and he couldn’t even be excited about leaving.
He thought, maybe, that he might just keep walking. He wasn’t sure where he’d go right now. The weather wasn’t encouraging, and his feet were already protesting. But, he couldn’t just stand around outside the detention center; he didn’t want them to arrest him for loitering. So, he’d move.
The area was unfamiliar, but he’d figure it out. Maybe. His mind felt more like a swamp than a processing center right now, and if he hadn’t been so numb and overwhelmed right now, he didn’t know what he’d have done. He wasn’t emotionally prepared to deal with any of this, and the anxiety of the unknown was quickly bearing down on him.
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Posted: Sun Apr 23, 2023 1:43 pm
For Kaelan’s sake, Orien had hoped his family would have been there. Orien hated them. He’d never met them, but he knew how heartbroken they made Kaelan, and how they were why he was locked up in the first place.
It had been almost a year, and despite their letters, Orien wondered if Kaelan would have rather started a new life instead of holding onto promises made when he was only fourteen.
Not only that, but would Kaelan even want to be around him after everything? They’d both had time apart. Maybe it was something Kaelan now preferred. Maybe Orien shouldn’t have even bothered showing up…
He lifted his hands to scrub at his face. He knew it was anxiety and paranoia talking. Kaelan wasn’t like that.
But what if he was…
“Shut up,” he hissed at himself, slapping his cheeks. His heart was pounding and he just… wanted everything to be okay. But he knew it wasn’t.
Kaelan looked so lost, so helpless. Orien gritted his teeth and tapped his fist lightly against the car horn a couple times to get his attention.
He was waiting near the entrance to the visitor parking lot in a dingy car that might have once been painted black. Or maybe navy. It was so rusted now it didn’t matter.
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Posted: Sun Apr 23, 2023 5:22 pm
Kaelan jumped at the sudden noise, and there was a split second where he could have dropped his bag but instead he pulled it closer. He jerked his head so quickly that he could have given himself whiplash.
He didn’t know what he hoped to see; it wasn’t a car that he recognized, and it took him a few seconds before his mind could catch up with his rapidly beating heart. The horn had spooked him, but all of the alarm had faded when he recognized the face. Not the hair! But he knew that face!
For a split second, all of his concerns and worries and heartbreak disappeared. He almost ran, but the voice in the back of his head scolded, ‘No running in the halls’, so instead he walked briskly.
Once, he looked over his shoulder, and seemed to realize that he was outside, those rules didn’t matter, and coupled with the fact that there was no one watching him, he trotted to the car. It did nothing for his feet, and his shirt rode up a bit more, but he was so excited that he didn’t care.
“Orien! What are you doing here?” he asked, with absolute joy and excitement. For a moment, he forgot how upset he was, and if he hadn’t remembered to use the door handle, he would have just dived in through the window to get close to him. He squirmed in, dropped his bag at the floor, and leaned across the seat to hug him as tightly as he could. “I didn’t think I’d see you today, I thought I’d have to come find you!”
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Posted: Sun Apr 23, 2023 5:58 pm
He didn’t understand why he felt so nervous. Or maybe he did. Maybe he just didn’t want Kaelan to know. What would he think of him if he did? Probably poorly. Maybe he would regret wasting his time. All those months of letters. Those years of planning for a future that might as well have been a fantasy novel.
Kaelan’s enthusiasm made his heart flutter, though. He felt the breath catch in his throat, and he wrapped his arms around him when he made it into the car.
It had been too long.
Was it also too late?
“Yeah, I know I said I wouldn’t be able to, but I managed to convince a buddy to let me borrow his car,” he explained, glad he didn’t have to look Kaelan in the eye as he avoided going into details. “Wanted to make sure you weren’t left out in the rain. Are you okay? You look like you haven’t slept. ********, did they stop feeding you? Bastards…”
His hair was much longer than when they first met, but now instead of just all white, he’d dyed at least some of it at one point in the last year. The tips were all red, including his bangs.
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Posted: Sun Apr 23, 2023 6:41 pm
Kaelan held the hug for a long moment before he drew away; he looked at him quickly, like he was soaking up every detail he could, as quickly as he could. “I was anxious, I wasn’t sleeping much.”
His eyes were a little wet, he could just blame that on being excited to see Orien again. “I was having a hard time keeping food down, I’m surprised you noticed. It’s just nerves. I mean, first it was the hearing, and then all those follow ups. I started to get anxious that I was going to have to stay for longer, I don’t know. I did it to myself. I’m okay. What about you? You look so good! I like what you did to your hair. You’re so handsome.”
He cupped his cheek, brushed his thumb over it, wanted to kiss him, but–
Orien had never written about finding someone else, but he also thought that if anything had happened, Orien would have told him to his face. He wouldn’t have written a letter to tell him, he’d have wanted to make sure he was okay.
Naturally, he was suddenly anxious that maybe he wasn’t borrowing a car from his buddy, maybe it was someone more than that, or–
He pushed through the doubtful, worried whispers in his mind and smiled. “I missed you. Thank you for coming.”
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Posted: Sun Apr 23, 2023 6:52 pm
“Not notice?” Orien asked curiously as he pulled back to look at Kaelan again. “No amount of time apart would keep me from noticing any change about you.”
Maybe that was weird. Maybe he should just keep his mouth shut and smile and nod along with everything Kaelan said. Was he taking advantage of Kaelan’s heartbreak that his family wasn’t there? He’d been wanting them.
And now, even as Kaelan cupped his cheek, said how handsome he was --
He didn’t kiss him. He hesitated. He smiled instead.
Orien forced himself to smile back. To swallow down the lump in his throat. Maybe this had been a bad idea. But then what? Where would Kaelan have gone? Just left to fend for himself in a cruel world?
“So, where to?” Orien asked as he pulled back to sit upright in his seat. He ignored the question about how he was, the thanks, the seemingly heartfelt I missed you.
He’d missed Kaelan. He’d been desperate to see him. But now that he was there with him, he just didn’t know what to do.
“Want me to… drive you to your mom’s?” Since that was who he assumed Kaelan really wanted to see. Not him. Second choice at best. Maybe even less than that. He was just convenient.
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Posted: Sun Apr 23, 2023 6:59 pm
Kaelan was trying to absorb and digest everything at once, and for as overwhelmed as he’d been before, this was different.
He’d smiled when Orien said no amount of time would keep him from noticing, because he felt the same. It was more than just the hair–that was easy. He looked for shadows under his eyes, to see if he was pale or if he looked healthy, took in his clothes, his tastes, took in his weight, his hands, everything.
Kaelan himself wasn’t very interesting. He was predictably bland, even. Faded white sneakers, black jeans, a dark gray shirt and a black jacket. No brands, no logos. The clothes were nice enough, just not in his size.
He forgot how uncomfortable it was, though. Now, there was a strange discomfort in his heart.
Orien didn’t lean forward to kiss him. Didn’t even say he’d missed him. He wanted to drive him off somewhere, to–to drop him off? Had he seen enough, was he done with Kaelan already?
Were the circles under his eyes too dark? Was his hair too long? Had he grown in the wrong direction? Was he too skinny? Too pale? Too many wrinkles from furrowing his brows, or frowning? Was he not as interesting now that he was out and Orien had found better things? Better people? Had his last few letters been too whiny? Did Orien realize he didn’t want to deal with all of that baggage?
His heart was in his throat and no matter how much he tried to clear it, it was still there. And a bit of wetness in his eyes, but he could blink that away easily enough.
“Um,” he said, to buy just a few seconds of time. He tried to settle back into the seat–maybe he was crowding Orien. He had to tug his shirt down again. “I think. You were right.” The words weren’t easy to say; he didn’t even think his voice sounded like his own. “I don’t think she wants to see me. They gave me a stack of returned mail,” he shrugged, and picked the bag back up to set it in his lap. It wasn’t like he needed a show and tell, but maybe if he had something to fuss with he wouldn’t be so tempted to try and touch Orien. If he didn’t want it.
Kaelan couldn’t tell right now, and the stress of everything was rapidly snowballing. He bit the inside of his cheek to focus.
“They, um. Gave me a list of resources I’m supposed to check out, but. I don’t know.”
He was rapidly sounding less confident in himself.
Did Orien have someone else? Could he just say that? Or was it something else? Was it something he could fix? He could fix it.
Was he more likable in his letters? Or was Orien just humoring him, for old time’s sake? Then? Now? Should he apologize? He should apologize.
He cleared his throat again and tried to muster the energy to calm himself down.
“I’m sorry. I don’t actually know. I don’t think I had a very good plan for all of this.”
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Posted: Sun Apr 23, 2023 7:11 pm
There was a ringing in his ears. A dull throb in his head that was slowly getting more painful. His fingers twitched on the steering wheel, but since Kaelan wasn’t sure where he wanted to go, Orien shoved both of his hands between his knees to keep them still.
What was he doing? He was messing all of this up. He’d missed Kaelan so much and here he was unable to talk to him. Because what if things had changed? What if things really were different?
Hearing that he was right hurt more than it made him feel any kind of vindication. He’d never wanted to see Kaelan suffer, but instead hoped that he would come to terms with the idea that his mother wouldn’t have wanted to see him before, well… now.
“I’m sorry she returned your mail,” he said quietly, because he was sorry. His heart ached and all he wanted to do was reach over to pull Kaelan close, but…
There was that voice in his head again, telling him that he wasn’t the same person Kaelan loved before. He’d changed. He wasn’t worth Kaelan’s time or energy.
“It’s fine if you don’t know,” he said with a shrug. He wasn’t wearing anything fancy. Thrift store jeans that were a bit too big and a plain teeshirt. He was tired, but then again he was always tired these days. He couldn’t understand why he thought it was okay for him to put so much pressure on Kaelan to suddenly make things better, but… he’d hoped.
“Do you… I mean.” He paused and pursed his lips, staring ahead out of the window of the idling vehicle. “Did you want to be alone or… I mean, I have space at my place.” that had been the plan, right? That they would be together after all of this. Unless Kaelan had changed his mind.
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Posted: Sun Apr 23, 2023 7:19 pm
Kaelan offered a quick, instinctive smile. It was forced and brief, but he didn’t really know what else to say. Orien didn’t have to be sorry that she hadn’t returned his mail. Kaelan knew he was apologizing out of sympathy, not because he felt any guilt for it–and he shouldn’t! It wasn’t his fault! Orien had been the one to tell him, from the very beginning.
All he knew was that he had a stack of returned letters; he didn’t know when she’d started sending them back. He was a bit afraid to look through them and see just when she’d started. Had he said something wrong in one of them? Or had she decided to cut him out as soon as he’d gone away?
The bag felt heavy, so he pushed it back down to his feet and gripped his knees as he sat there.
“It’s okay,” he insisted, but there was no heart in it. He needed approval, he’d always needed approval. He didn’t have hers, and he couldn’t figure out what was going on with Orien. He’d expected sloppy kisses, dramatics, teasing.
“I don’t want to be alone, no. I mean, I don’t want to intrude,” he insisted quickly, and looked at Orien just to make sure he knew he wasn’t trying to abuse his generosity or take advantage of him. They’d talked, they’d had plans. He was worried that maybe they were just daydreams now, and he had a very distinct sinking feeling in his stomach. He was glad he skipped breakfast this morning. He was looking at Orien, but Orien didn’t seem to want to look at him. Oh, but he was driving. Or, idling, but–it was kind of the same thing.
“But I’m excited to see your place.” He tried to sound hopeful. He was excited! They’d talked about this, he was so proud of Orien!
…Was Orien regretting inviting him? Kaelan was going to throw up. He bit his cheek harder and looked forward, too.
He bit back the urge to ask if it was okay, because he was suddenly very afraid to hear no.
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Posted: Sun Apr 23, 2023 7:37 pm
Orien didn’t feel like himself. He felt uneasy and lacked his usual confidence.
He knew Kaelan, so what was the problem? His heart was telling him one thing, but his head kept whispering horrible things.
With a destination in mind, Orien finally put the car into drive and pulled out of the parking lot to leave that hellhole behind.
It had taken their youth, but had also brought them together. So why did Orien feel like he was doing something to ruin everything they had before? They’d survived together, they could survive together now.
Maybe. Only time would tell.
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