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((This takes place on Friday, October 27th, in the evening.))
“What am I doooing?”
A red-headed Romano’s sophomore sat at his desk staring vacantly at his textbook, rubbing his temples. Despite the impression of goofing off that he liked to give people at school, Jack was very conscientious about getting his homework done efficiently and on time, so he wasn’t one to drag his feet. Even so, it had taken him a tedious three hours to finish the majority of his homework since he had come home from school that day and that was an hour and a half longer than usual. Jack had the preference of completing the homework of his most despised subjects first so he could get those out of the way and take his time deriving what enjoyment he could from his more favored ones. But although he was on his final and favorite subject, history, he was having more trouble than ever getting himself to focus.
It wasn’t that the assignments were any more difficult than he was used to. He’d finally managed to catch up to what he had missed during the week and a half he’d spent in Altea’s castle, so the quantity of work assigned wasn’t to blame, either. He suspected that it was the events from the previous day that continued to distract him and eventually he closed the textbook he knew he wasn't going to be able to read until he sorted some of his thoughts out. Of those that were cluttering up his brain, Elex Yorke seemed to pervade every last one.
Why am I so damn obsessed with him?
Leaning back in his chair, Jack folded his arms behind his head and closed his eyes, sighing. At first, his spark of interest had been kindled by Elex's initial display of intelligence and rare insight into other people. That spark had soon flared up into a blaze of rivalry as Jack thought Elex had been able to see through his intentions; something no one had yet managed or perhaps even attempted before. In no time at all, the dark-haired boy became someone that the redhead both respected and disliked because of how easily the other teen had been able to get under his skin.
Rarely had anyone either impressed or annoyed Jack prior, but Elex had somehow managed to do both simultaneously within the span of their first meeting which hadn't lasted more than a few minutes. Suddenly, Jack found himself wanting to prove himself a match and a rival to Elex - to also both vex and earn the respect of his peer with his words and wit. With this goal in mind, he set to stalking the young man on Facebook so as to prepare and plan for their next encounter when he would be sure to shock and amaze.
And then Elex had disappeared.
He probably should have left it at that. Civilians disappeared all the time in Destiny City. Thinking about it, Jack realized that might have been the first symptom that he had already become obsessed. Moving from stalking Elex's Facebook page to his familys' pages just so he could try to meet them at an event and question them about their missing member's disappearance - who would do that for a mere acquaintance? Who would go so far as to attempt to track them down on their own when their modus operandi was to lay low, watch from afar, and remain uninvolved? Jack hadn't cared, though. He probably hadn't been thinking. If he hadn't gotten any leads that night, he might even have given up the search then and there, but fate was a cruel mistress and irony was her sense of humor.
Jack, as Sinope, hadn't ever imagined the results of his own attack would have adverse effects on him. When the Negaverse captian had, supposedly due to the influence of Sinope's magic, revealed himself as the missing Yorke boy, Sinope was crushed by so many different feelings that he hadn't known how to properly respond. Without having had the time to sort them out and consider how to proceed rationally, his hurt, anger, and feelings of betrayal erupted in the form of savage statements designed to injure as he had been injured. Whether or not they'd had the effect to the same extent Sinope had intended, they seemed to do something, because Elex had nearly killed him that night.
Why had he gotten so upset over Elex's admission? Perhaps it was the fact that Elex had known that someone was looking for him, but hadn't bothered to try finding out whom. Sinope guessed that his initial meeting with the dark-eyed kid had only been memorable for him; for Jack. To Elex, it meant nothing. He meant nothing. It was difficult trying to prove oneself to someone or be recognized as their rival when you weren't even a blip on their radar. Who knew? Maybe the fellow had so many followers and fans that he had simply expected a great deal of people to wonder where he was and what had happened to him. Maybe it wouldn't have been too far-fetched for one or more of the multitudes to have instigated a private investigation. If that was the case, why would he have bothered to find out who among them Sinope was?
But Sinope became more determined than ever to stand out in one way or another to the person he considered his rival. From there, the senshi could only do what he knew how to do best. He tried to get Elex's attention the same way he managed to get everyone else's - by being the biggest pain in the a** he could possibly be. Being problematic for a Negaverse agent, let alone a captain, might not have been the wisest goal to have, but it was the easiest and quickest method he could think of to get the guy to notice him. Besides that, he hadn't ever gotten on an officer's nerves before, so he hadn't possessed the experience or knowledge to realize just what sort of consequences it would earn him.
Once he'd found out, that should have been it. He had never come so close to death before that night and the reality of it should have, in all practicality, taught him to 'stay out of Elex's affairs' once and for all as he had been advised. Instead, somehow, the opposite happened. Though it was true he managed to keep away for a month or two, when he happened across the captain again, he couldn't control himself. He had told himself he just wanted to watch from afar; to see what Elex was up to, but was that really all it had been? Hadn't he felt some concern when he noticed the well-bred, prestigious youth all beat up and bleeding? Curiosity, he'd called it. Curiosity, not concern.
Aside from Elex's mysterious wounds, Sinope's curiosity had initially been born from the fact that Elex had allowed him to live after having assaulted him so viciously. What would the officer have had to lose if he'd gone through with killing Sinope? His humanity? His dignity at having committed murder simply because a mere basic senshi had riled him up with words? Sinope had claimed to himself that he had just wanted to watch Elex from afar, but if their energy signatures could be sensed, had he really thought the officer wouldn't have noticed? That, upon noticing, he might turn the other cheek and ignore him? Or had he been secretly hoping he wouldn't have been ignored?
Whatever the case, he behaved foolishly once more and, also once more, was almost made to pay the ultimate price. But still Elex wouldn't finish him off. If he hadn't been so grateful that his life had been spared, Sinope might have called it exasperating because the conundrum only intensified and his dangerous curiosity along with it. He had always loved riddles, but it had become clear that solving this one might have come at the cost of his continued existence. However, he continued to pursue the answer even after that fact had been thrust in his face. It wasn't like him at all. At least, it wasn't like who he thought he was.
Sinope had been certain he loved nothing and no one more than his precious life and that he would never have found reason to cheat on her. His desire to understand Elex not only drove a wedge between them, but invited pain and death to flirt with him in her stead. Worst of all, though, was that he somehow felt his affairs with the aforementioned made him love life more than ever. Did distance make the heart grow fonder? Was he unable to put life at the top of his priority list anymore as his matchless number one?
Curiosity continued to spur him on, introducing him to other concepts he'd thought he'd long since turned his back to. His libido, for one thing, had begun to rear its ugly head and Jack was both horrified and bewildered. If he admired Elex for his intellect, why was he having thoughts regarding other, more physical aspects of him? The teen hadn't had too much of an issue ignoring his hormonal urges before, provided he had history books, riddles, and other sophisticated hobbies to keep his mind occupied. That situation had since changed. No longer was it such a simple matter to distract himself from perverted notions. It was bad enough he thought his desire to be a rival to Elex might have turned into a desire for friendship, but what the hell was this? Lust?
It was disgusting. Jack had thought himself above such base, bestial urges. But what persisted in his thoughts more and more predominantly when he was around Elex, and even sometimes when he wasn't, was the longing to touch him. Did that mean he was gay? Not that it would have mattered as much to him as it seemed to matter to Erol; people all over Destiny City were openly gay or of various other sexual orientations. What bothered him was that he might have had a specific sexual orientation at all and not even realized. He had believed the idea of intercourse to be repulsive and had assumed that, if anything, he must have been asexual; at least until he had someone to think about, which was strange. Was it just the one person, or all guys?
Reluctant as he was to find out, Jack would have rather known than not. Opening his eyes, the high schooler sat up in his chair and closed his book. He wasn't going to get any further with his assignment that night, he figured, but he had the whole weekend to complete it. He would try to finish it the following morning so as to avoid putting it off until the last minute. But a whole weekend…that meant a whole weekend to get lost in his thoughts without school to focus or distract him.
Trying not to despair, he set aside the text and opened up his laptop on his desk, swallowing hard and hesitating before going to look up racy, illicit online content. In a few minutes, he had determined that he wasn't gay, but girls didn't affect him, either. Not the same way Elex did. It was only thoughts specifically of Elex and Elex alone.
The lewdness of the fantasies that his imagination ran away with made him shiver. He hadn't even conceived that he would be capable of envisioning such indecency. What he wanted to do to him, to make him feel… What was it about him other than his mind that Jack found so attractive, anyway? His long, dark sheaves of hair, his eyes black and gleaming as obsidian…it didn't even seem to matter if they were human or youma. That slender face with its graceful structure, and elegant eyebrows; his soft chin and feminine lips that offset his sharp, angular jawline…all features culminating to compose an alluring and ambiguously androgynous appearance.
It didn't matter if his hands were stained or glamoured. It didn't even seem to make a difference to Jack any more if smoking pipes protruded from the other boy's back or not. He still tended to break out in a cold sweat with his stomach knotting itself and his mouth going dry when he saw Elex, but his reaction was no different whether the other teen appeared as a captain or not. He doubted he could continue to claim that the symptoms were the the result of post-traumatic stress from having nearly been killed twice because he was fairly certain such symptoms weren't supposed to include becoming hot and bothered. It was…stimulating to imagine Elex Yorke as a civilian succumbing to his touch, but somehow picturing a more delicate aspect of the captain who had so brutally threatened him on two separate occasions really turned him on.
If Elex compartmentalized his two identities, though, should Jack have treated him differently as each? He seemed to get rather tetchy when he was glamoured if his captain side was referred to while he was enjoying his time being 'normal'. In Jack's opinion, though, Elex had never known what it was like to be normal. Even as a civilian, he still had a fairly famous face and name. Did he truly desire to be like everyone else, or did he enjoy playing the lifestyle he had previously experienced?
Perhaps it was both. Maybe he liked putting on airs and looking down on lower classes when he was with Rowan, backed by the reputation and background of his family name. But with Sinope, he could attempt playing at just a plain teenager with few duties and responsibilities to consider. That might have explained his casual clothing when he had shown up for their rendezvous the previous day. Loathe as he was to admit it even to himself, Jack had thought he'd looked cute. Endearing; more relatable - someone even a kid like him might have been able to get to know and befriend.
Maybe that had been the point, especially because Sinope had been more accustomed to his half-youma self prior. It was interesting seeing him so relatively defenseless and gave the senshi the unfamiliar and uncomfortable sensation of being trusted. It almost made him want to trust Elex back with his own true self, but he had learned enough to infer that the captain wouldn't have cared. If anything, he would have only thought less of Sinope once he connected the senshi to Jack.
Though he was well aware by now of Elex's dualities - youma and human; brutal Negaverse captain and the second son of the prestigious Yorke family - Elex hadn't seemed to care an iota that Sinope had more information on him than he had on the senshi. This could have meant many things which confounded him. It may have suggested that Elex didn't consider Sinope a threat in the least, but it could have also meant that he just trusted him a great deal. It dejected Jack a little to judge which was more likely due to other factors he had previously observed, but he shoved that despondence aside. The fact of the matter was that Elex didn't think much of Jack or Sinope and wasn't interested enough to question whether one was related to the other.
Usually he relished being looked down on so that he could demonstrate how he had been underestimated, so why was this different? Was it because he had given more weight to the opinion of the person looking down on him? Or was it because he had felt Elex had gotten him so absolutely wrong when he had made assumptions as to why he had posed as his boyfriend? Those had hurt more than he'd thought possible, and for a second he had wondered if that was how Elex had felt when Sinope had spouted nonsense about him left and right, but there had been a crucial difference. Sinope knew by now that he cared what Elex thought. He didn't get the impression, though, that the feeling was mutual.
If he had truly believed Sinope was so petty, learning who Jack was would likely only reinforce that. The Dark Mirror Senshi knew he couldn't hope to fool the Yorke boy into thinking he was his peer in social class as a civilian, so it seemed pointless to try. Elex was bound to recognize the behavior of someone who had been raised in the same sort of fashion and environment that he had been and the fact that he had even accused Sinope of being after his wealth and fame proved that. He might not have seen Sinope's face as a civilian when he'd powered down to interview those at the charity event about the missing teenager, but it must have stuck in his mind how poor of quality the suit Jack had tried to pass himself off with had been compared to his own.
That reminded Jack...that suit was no longer the most stylish outfit he owned. Though he hadn't cared much for fancy clothing before, he had recently gotten wind of a Halloween Masquerade Ball being held as a charity event at some huge mansion and had made up his mind to attend. The ball's promised extravagance reminded him of Elex, of course, and how at the last charity event Jack had gone to, the captain had claimed he'd had no hope of fitting in among the other guests. This time, out of sheer spite, the teenager was bent on being one of the best-dressed guests in attendance.
Because he had created masks for a stall at the Fall Festival the previous year, he'd believed he'd had the most important part taken care of…until he got a sense for what people wore to masquerades when they were serious about them. The prices on the costumes were nothing to sneeze at and Jack almost backed out then and there. Then he remembered the look Rowan had given him at the botanical gardens and his resolve was renewed. He went around doing all the chores he could, both for his home and the neighboring houses, to earn what he needed for his ideal ensemble.
There was more to why he wanted to show up and pass off as one of the gentry than just spite, of course. As he toiled during every minute of free time he had available before the ball, Jack established that he wanted to get a sense for what it was like to be on Elex's level. He wanted to know what it might have been like to live in his world; to be someone Elex might have at least considered his peer in social class or background or wealth if not in intellect. He might not have been able to fabricate the experience of how someone in Elex's or Rowan's shoes might have been raised, but he thought he could pull off portraying the dignity of the nouveau riche, at least. For Jack, it wasn't a true goal in life to become fabulously rich, especially because he felt that having that much more money meant that much more responsibility, but it would have been nice to pretend just for one night.
Jack shut his laptop and pushed back his chair. With a groan from the stiffness of his limbs, he lurched to a stand. After a quick stretch of his neck, arms, and legs, he ambled over to his closet to take out the hanger dangling a garment bag. He set it out on his bed and unzipped the bag, taking a moment to pass his hand over the fine fabric before retrieving the accessories that went with the costume. From his closet interior, he pulled out a top hat, a pair of gloves, his cravat, his new shoes, and, finally, his smiling fox face mask. It had taken hours of hard labor - more than he'd ever spent doing household chores in his life - but he'd managed to scrape together just enough in time. The ball was going to take place at the manor the following evening.
Satisfied, he returned everything to its original place, stowing each piece carefully and neatly, before finally pulling back his covers and flopping onto his bed. He was really looking forward to tomorrow, but his chest ached to think of why. Sure, it would be fun to dress up and act a part, but his heart hammered hopefully for something he really wished it wouldn't. It wasn't as if he had meant to go to the event thinking that Elex would be there. It was just that, once he'd realized it was probably the sort of thing the Yorke boy would have been found at, he couldn't help expecting his presence, nor his elation at the prospect.
It's not like I want him to see me looking like that, he tried to sober himself with. He wouldn't even have to know who I was to insult me. Then again…if I don't know it's him, would it matter to me? No, that wouldn't do. Even if everyone was masked and he wasn't paying careful attention to everyone's scents, voices, and gaits, he would automatically just imagine every young man he encountered as Elex.
Would he even waste his glamour going to one of these things? I've only seen him wear his human guise during the day, but this event is at night. He hadn't gone to the charity I interviewed people at as a fake reporter, either. Maybe he can't go, Jack pondered, staring sightlessly up at his ceiling. And why would he? It's a silly event where people aren't even wearing proper formal clothing and commoners just looking to have a good time are mixed in among the high society snobs.
His lips thinned and his brows furrowed. He'd go if Rowan was going. He did at the botanical gardens, and that was at night, too. It no longer mattered for what reason Elex had been following Rowan. To his immense chagrin and utmost frustration, Jack had to face the fact that he was jealous. He wasn't sure he had a right to be, but regardless of the hours he'd spent trying, he couldn't reason away or deny his feelings out of existence.
He hated how his jealousy twisted his thoughts and made it difficult to use logic, like how it gave him a sour outlook of Rowan before he even really got to know the guy. As if he'd even want to get to know me, Jack thought resentfully before recognizing that if he hadn't been jealous, he probably wouldn't have cared. He wasn't interested in getting to know most people himself. But he also felt like he had to know - was there something about this Rowan that made him better than Jack in Elex's eyes? Did he admire his height? His similar upbringing? His looks? The fact that Rowan cared so much for looks? He supposed that was bound to be a common trait among those who put such stock in their reputations.
It doesn't matter how many ways we're different. We just are. It's not like I could become any more like him if I tried. Why would I even want to? Why am I wasting my time comparing myself to that preener? He rolled over onto his side and closed his eyes. I wonder if he's kissed Elex, too.
Unbidden, memories of their make out sessions flooded Jack's mind. They poured in before he could stop them and he was swept away by the current. His face grew unbearably hot and he kicked his blankets aside. The feeling of their lips against each other, their mingling breath, the scent of Elex's hair and skin, the way he let Sinope touch him; massage him…the happiness it all gave him felt so…wrong. He had done nothing to deserve it, so why?
Was it all a ruse? Underneath everything else, Jack's suspicious nature wouldn't stop asking what everything was for, particularly when it seemed too good to be true. What did Elex have to gain by befriending or seducing him? Nothing, he kept answering his paranoia, to which it would retort that there was knowledge of Mirrorspace and the Dark Mirror Court that the Negaverse officer had managed to obtain. There's nothing he can do with that, though. That information's no good to him. Anyway, if he's so concerned about keeping his 'human' and 'youma' selves separate, why would he use one to aid the other?
Even if he tried to keep outward images separate, though, his paranoia replied, didn't he say that for each reaction and emotion he has, there is an opposite one? Just because he keeps his lifestyles separate doesn’t mean his thoughts and intentions for them don't mingle.
It doesn't matter, Jack insisted. Elex is Elex. I may not be able to tell what he's thinking, but the least I can do is treat him like a normal human; not some half-monster with a split personality. We may be matched in terms of rank, now, but whether he knows it or not, he has more power over me than ever. Still, I can't let my fear of that stop me if I want to help him and I can't help him without getting closer to him. For that, I can't be doubtful of even one aspect of him; I have to give this all I've got.
He still didn't understand what had stopped the agent from suffocating or drowning him once he knew his civilian identity. Sinope didn't know if the Negaverse had a use for Dark Mirror starseeds, but it certainly wouldn't have been detrimental to Elex for him to have taken his, would it have? Had he just been trying to scare him? For what purpose? To shut him up? To get him to leave him alone? Surely he should have known by their second meeting as senshi and captain that it wouldn't have done an good.
Aside from not understanding why he'd been spared, also bothered Jack that he still didn’t know why Elex had made the admission of envying Sinope. It ate at him that he couldn’t comprehend why he had been given a 'consolation prize' for having done his best to see Elex vulnerable. By all rights, he believed the officer should have met him with punishment, not admitted to him a potential weakness. Maybe it was his punishment to give me what I thought I wanted, Jack thought with a bleak smile. Maybe he knew that instead of crowing with triumph over it, as I thought would, I'd pity him instead.
What more could he have known? How much can he read me? Had he guessed I would feel the way I do about him?
The redhead recalled that Elex said right from the start that he would never be able to commit with all of himself, but somehow Sinope had become unable to do anything other than that. The senshi knew he'd said he'd wanted to make things fair for the half-youma, but he hadn't realized the act would so violently disrupt his own mental and emotional stability. Elex may have been able to separate his selves, but because Sinope had known him as a civilian first, his emotions spilled over into Jack. If he, as either Sinope or Jack, went from being his own person into a mindless slave that catered to Elex's every whim, he would be utterly and completely lost.
There would be nothing left of him to seek his own survival, let along his best interests, above the captain's. He would lose all autonomy, on which his grasp was already slipping, and for a young man who would never completely be able to accept him. However, he couldn't bring himself to turn away from the path he had already set himself on. Even not knowing why Elex had spared him twice or admitted to having been slighted by him, perhaps this inability to abandon the captain altogether was a greater mystery still. His fear and instinct for self-preservation should have been enough to ward him off long ago, so why hadn't it?
…When you are resolved from the beginning, you will not be perplexed, though you will still get the same soaking. This understanding extends to everything.
Right. The rainstorm quote. Now that he could think slightly more clearly, he recalled that the quote had been from Tsunetomo Yamamoto. Jack had come across in his readings once. He knew it was meant to refer to inevitable realities and how, once accepted, one would find that they weren't so bad after all. Jack disagreed. He had tried to accept what he was committing himself to, but he hadn't anticipated the side effects of the shame, jealousy, and confusion that accompanied his resolve to care about Elex. And while those things alone might not have killed him, he knew there were worse fates than death.
It was entirely possible that he was blowing the whole thing out of proportion, but as someone who had avoided positive attachments to people as much as he could manage, the whole situation was becoming a bit much for him to handle. Perhaps for Elex, all that had happened between them was naught but a small shower. For Jack, who thought he knew himself and his place in life and hadn't wanted anything more, his whole world was being turned upside down. He couldn't help but panic and try to keep dry while the sky seemed like it was falling. How could he have known what to expect when he hadn't experienced a rainstorm like this before?
In place of experience, imagined fears, doubts, and worries abounded. What had he told Alya that one time? That it was easier when people didn't like you because then it was easy not to care about anyone but yourself. But when you had friends and other people you cared about, it became dangerous. It didn't matter if those people meant well because caring about others - having attachments to them - inevitably caused pain. Sometimes bonds were so strong that they supersede one's own survival instincts, causing one to be willing to die for another. And even after they died, they would still continue to hurt the one who lived with their sacrifice until they, too, finally perished.
This was why, no matter what happened, Jack knew he was doomed. It was just a matter of time before he committed another stupid act. He already sensed that at this point he was beyond saving because, deep down, he thought he might have been willing to do anything, even bid goodbye to his beloved life, for Elex's sake. He knew it was pure folly, but the worst part about it was that while he could watch himself make all these asinine, irrational, reckless decisions, he couldn't do a thing to dissuade himself from them. His emotions rendered his powers of reasoning and subterfuge inert so that he was powerless to do anything but try to protect Elex. If Elex got hurt, he got hurt, so it was all he could do to guard Elex as he would guard his own heart.
Opening his eyes, Jack's gaze found the smiling vulpine countenance atop his dresser. At least tomorrow he might have been able to have some respite from his gloomy thoughts and unforgiving anxiety. It wouldn't matter if Rowan or Trey was there. It wouldn't even matter if Elex was there. He wouldn't allow himself to look, and even if he did, they would all be in masks. Jack would just have to be extra careful not to tune in too deeply to conversations lest he recognize a voice. Nor could he draw too close to anyone in case he found their fragrance to be familiar. It would be okay.
Yeah, right. I wouldn't be going to this party at all if it weren't for him, Jack countered. Just being there in that grandiose setting is going to make me think of that - that- Oh, ********. Now he couldn't even think of a decently accurate slur to call the guy. All that came up were terms that could have potentially been interpreted as suggestive. …I'm just going to end up looking for him the whole time, aren't I?
It crossed his mind many times to not go, but as he had already splurged on his rather costly outfit, he knew that wasn't an option. So, instead, he tried to recount why he did want to go. He could slip into a role and hide his insecurities behind an act as he had often done at school in the past. Maybe he could even manage to lose himself in it and perhaps enjoy the event a little without worrying so much about Elex.
It would be for Elex that he would pretend, though. He could try to get a sense of what it was like to mingle with people he wouldn't have been able to without his guise. His elaborate attire would parallel Elex's glamour toward that purpose. Maybe then he could try to comprehend him a little better and discern why he was so reluctant to mix his reality as a half-youma captain with his existence as a well-to-do teenager.
And what is it I hope to get out of this? the high schooler questioned. I'm giving up my sanity and free will for what? To be recognized by him as a rival? A friend? A lover? Revulsion at himself accompanied the last thought, but he could neither confirm nor deny any of them. He didn't want an attachment, but no man was an island and bridges had already been made. He was already too invested and it was too late to cut ties without harming himself in the process. He was in too deep - much too deep.
How did he go from his tidy little philosophy of valuing his life above all others' and keeping people at a distance to latching onto one and protecting them with every fiber of his being?
…Maybe those close calls Elex put me through showed me that there's little point in living if you have nothing and no one to live for, Jack considered, closing his eyes for the final time that night. If everyone has to die eventually, I guess it might be better to live a short, meaningful life than a long, unfulfilled one. Having eased the concerns of his consciousness for the night, he lay upon the shores of slumber as its tides finally rose to claim him.
