Okay, so either I am too nice and people take my kindness for flirting or they're being disrespectful by ignoring my painfully obvious hints of being a lesbian. I know I'm friendly and I like making new friends.
I used to work at a restaurant and a guy would come in every other day and order the same thing. I always remembered to give him barbecue sauce for his sandwiches. He noticed my FMA necklace and said it was cool. I didn't have a line so we talked for five minutes about anime and video games.
Then I noticed that he'd come in every day. We got new systems where you had to enter the customer's name after the order. I felt uncomfortable doing that so for his orders, I would give him a new nickname every day. Sometimes he would be Slenderman, Capt. Falcon, Spiderman, Thor, etc.
I didn't give him special treatment. I did this with ALL of my customers. One day I told him I was quitting soon and he asked for my number. Again, friends are awesome. I gave him my number. We decided to hang out and he went on and on about how he wasn't sure if he should have dressed up or not.
I thought that was weird, but didn't say anything about it. We went to lunch and I went back to my place to snag my ukulele. We went to the park afterward and I started playing it. He looked at me and asked in a serious tone, "Can I have a kiss?" I laughed and told him no. Instead, he put his arm around me and said, "I'm having a good time...."
I moved away from him and said that I was glad. We started talking about anime and I went on about how yuri was my favorite genre. Then I talked about my ex girlfriend and I guess he started tuning me out, then.
Well, weeks later he sent me a text saying how he had a wonderful time and how he missed me. Seems to me that he's developed a crush. I don't want to bluntly say I'm a lesbian because I don't think I should have to say that when I meet every guy. The person is really cool and I want to continue to hang out with him, but what should I do?
I was thinking about dressing like a stereotypical butch the next time we hung out so he'd get the message.
Posted: Mon Aug 25, 2014 10:03 pm
OhNoesItsMiho
Wow, tough situation. I might start by saying that even though you don't feel like you should have to tell him that you're a lesbian, sometimes you just have to in order to make people understand. You may just have to do it with him, especially if his advances are making you uncomfortable.
Of course, you don't have to be totally blunt about it. You can break it to him gently, or however you like - just make sure that you're clear. You don't want to lead him on, that would be unhealthy and just end up hurting him in the end. Best to just be upfront about it. It will be better for both of you in the long run, and you guys can still probably be awesome friends smile
Thank you. I'll definitely let him know. It just sounds jerkish to introduce myself to every guy like, "Hello. I'm CeCe. I like girls....ONLY girls", but I also don't want to seem like a tease, either if I don't say anything. Thank you, thank you, thank you.
Posted: Wed Aug 27, 2014 1:58 pm
I think that you should just gently tell him, "Hey, look, I'm not interested. I really enjoy your company, and you are an awesome friend. I'm not interested in boys as lovers, but I'm interested in everybody as a friend." It's good to explain these things in a calm way. If he's okay with you having had a girlfriend, then he should be okay with you being a lesbian.
Explain to him that while he is an amazing person to hand out with that you just don't feel "the spark" with him, but that you'd really enjoy being friends.
Mentioning your orientation really isn't necessary, he's interested, you're not. That's really all that matters.
Posted: Wed Aug 27, 2014 2:43 pm
I agree with Chromo here. Just say you aren't interested. In my experience of getting guys who crush on me when I just want to be friends, subtle never works. They will ignore the hints in turn for clinging to hope. You HAVE to be forward with them about it or they will not stop. Often even if you are forward they still don't give up. I would go with something like this:
"Hey, you're really awesome and I love having you as a friend but that's all I want. We won't be anything more than friends."
I agree with Chromo here. Just say you aren't interested. In my experience of getting guys who crush on me when I just want to be friends, subtle never works. They will ignore the hints in turn for clinging to hope. You HAVE to be forward with them about it or they will not stop. Often even if you are forward they still don't give up. I would go with something like this:
"Hey, you're really awesome and I love having you as a friend but that's all I want. We won't be anything more than friends."
Or something to that effect.
I was going to say this, but it seems to have been done for me. Most people won't get the picture unless you tell them straight up that you aren't interested. You aren't be mean (the contrary, actually). After that... take it from there.
Posted: Thu Aug 28, 2014 6:03 pm
OhNoesItsMiho
Long subject is long.
Okay, so either I am too nice and people take my kindness for flirting or they're being disrespectful by ignoring my painfully obvious hints of being a lesbian. I know I'm friendly and I like making new friends.
I used to work at a restaurant and a guy would come in every other day and order the same thing. I always remembered to give him barbecue sauce for his sandwiches. He noticed my FMA necklace and said it was cool. I didn't have a line so we talked for five minutes about anime and video games.
Then I noticed that he'd come in every day. We got new systems where you had to enter the customer's name after the order. I felt uncomfortable doing that so for his orders, I would give him a new nickname every day. Sometimes he would be Slenderman, Capt. Falcon, Spiderman, Thor, etc.
I didn't give him special treatment. I did this with ALL of my customers. One day I told him I was quitting soon and he asked for my number. Again, friends are awesome. I gave him my number. We decided to hang out and he went on and on about how he wasn't sure if he should have dressed up or not.
I thought that was weird, but didn't say anything about it. We went to lunch and I went back to my place to snag my ukulele. We went to the park afterward and I started playing it. He looked at me and asked in a serious tone, "Can I have a kiss?" I laughed and told him no. Instead, he put his arm around me and said, "I'm having a good time...."
I moved away from him and said that I was glad. We started talking about anime and I went on about how yuri was my favorite genre. Then I talked about my ex girlfriend and I guess he started tuning me out, then.
Well, weeks later he sent me a text saying how he had a wonderful time and how he missed me. Seems to me that he's developed a crush. I don't want to bluntly say I'm a lesbian because I don't think I should have to say that when I meet every guy. The person is really cool and I want to continue to hang out with him, but what should I do?
I was thinking about dressing like a stereotypical butch the next time we hung out so he'd get the message.
The way I look at this situation is that there was a miscommunication. By talking about ex girlfriends I mean, for all he knows you could be bisexual. This situation is sensitive yes, but when you take a look through his eyes he sees that you took his phone number and how you act with him, not your other customers. He likes you, that is not harassment. When he stalks you, says comments after you've explained to him that it is unwelcome or acts forceful like forcing you into a kiss without your permission or asking, then that is harassment. You need to communicate to him that that isn't what you are looking for. Most importantly turn him down. If the problem persists, then remove him as a friend.
You must understand that I sympathize with men as much as women in this situation. You can't expect people to know unless you bluntly tell them, "I'm sorry, but I'm not interested." After this, it becomes harassment, because you've explained that you are not interested and that his actions are unwelcome. However, how is he suppose to know his actions are unwelcome if it isn't told to him by a certain means. He is unable to read your mind, so you must understand it is up to you to set the boundaries. Be blunt, assertive and respectful. Use "I" instead of "You". For example, "I'm sorry, I'm not interested in dating you. I feel uncomfortable when you ask me for kisses."
And remember folks. They are not your friend if they act forceful. Never approach them about this conversation in a private setting. Be sure to be in a high populated place as it will be discouraging the person from being forceful, argumentative and possibly avoid dangerous situations like attempted rape or abusive behaviour.
Well, I ended up telling him that I wasn't interested. I basically told him what I said in my first post. I explained that I wanted to be his friend and that was why I gave him my number. I apologized for not telling him sooner. I'm not really sure if he wants to talk to me again, though.
This was his response, "Oh....damn. I'm sad now. I'm such a fool."
I DID tell him we could still be friends, but..uhhh, I haven't heard from him yet.
Okay, I'm PRETTY sure this guy feels uncomfortable around me now. Here's my update. I started working back at the restaurant again. I've been there for two months and he comes in like he normally does. He's invited me to two Halloween parties. I told him that I wasn't driving yet so I was hoping that he would give me a ride. Well, that never happened. The next week he asked if I wanted to go to yet another party since I missed the other one. I told him I wanted to go, but he didn't pick me up.
Then he complained about how his friends cause too much drama when they drink so he asked if I wanted to hang out over the weekend. That never happened, either. He came to my job today on his lunch break. I looked up and saw him while I counted my drawer, but he quickly turned around and walked out of the restaurant. I'm so confused.
Posted: Tue Nov 04, 2014 5:47 pm
OhNoesItsMiho
Okay, I'm PRETTY sure this guy feels uncomfortable around me now. Here's my update. I started working back at the restaurant again. I've been there for two months and he comes in like he normally does. He's invited me to two Halloween parties. I told him that I wasn't driving yet so I was hoping that he would give me a ride. Well, that never happened. The next week he asked if I wanted to go to yet another party since I missed the other one. I told him I wanted to go, but he didn't pick me up.
Then he complained about how his friends cause too much drama when they drink so he asked if I wanted to hang out over the weekend. That never happened, either. He came to my job today on his lunch break. I looked up and saw him while I counted my drawer, but he quickly turned around and walked out of the restaurant. I'm so confused.
It sounds like he's either intimidated by you however still wants to be your friend. Or He could be just ******** with you. Sorry- I've no other way put it.. He could be hoping to hurt you like you hurt him.. o.e Because in his eyes you did hurt him, even though you didn't mean to. People can be so complicated and only focused on themselves.. I hope that things work out for you though.
Okay, I'm PRETTY sure this guy feels uncomfortable around me now. Here's my update. I started working back at the restaurant again. I've been there for two months and he comes in like he normally does. He's invited me to two Halloween parties. I told him that I wasn't driving yet so I was hoping that he would give me a ride. Well, that never happened. The next week he asked if I wanted to go to yet another party since I missed the other one. I told him I wanted to go, but he didn't pick me up.
Then he complained about how his friends cause too much drama when they drink so he asked if I wanted to hang out over the weekend. That never happened, either. He came to my job today on his lunch break. I looked up and saw him while I counted my drawer, but he quickly turned around and walked out of the restaurant. I'm so confused.
He sounds more awkward about it than intimidated. He probably feels a little silly assuming that something was going to happen between yous to find out that it isn't the case. Give him a chance to wrap his head around the idea. He obviously cares for your friendship if he is trying to be a friend. Sorry, but I have to disagree with Punky, because, men are not as harmful sometimes. If he is trying to be your friend, I highly doubt he is there to hurt you. However, you know the situation better than I do. If he is being poisonous to you then remove him, otherwise, let him get use to the idea dearie.
Posted: Wed Nov 05, 2014 7:42 pm
Well, I'm learning, I guess. I just have to tell guys from the get go if they ask. I was just thinking not too long ago about how the coming out process never really ends. I'll eventually have to keep coming out to other people. So now I feel silly for saying that I shouldn't have to tell every single person my sexual orientation.
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