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 Posted: Sat Jun 15, 2013 11:04 am
Shhhh Bluefirefoxlove is Talking...Please read and critique. <3 The warm night air whipped through the trees, making them dance. The only thing to be heard was the soft breathing of the vigilante as she made her way across the forest floor. The thick trees opened to a small clearing illuminated by the full moon’s beam that glistened off the silver blade of the sword as it was dragged through the wet dirt. She stopped just a few feet from the middle aged man in front of her.
His head was hung in what seemed like pain and fatigue. His wrists were rubbed raw with the dirty rope tied around them. The gash in the side of his head left his hair matted and crusted with blood. He looked and smelled as if he hadn’t washed in days. This presentment of the target was not new to her. She had seen it many times throughout her career while accompanying her mentor. The man raised his head to show a swollen eye and busted lip. His one good eye grew wide as his breathing grew heavier. It was obvious to her that he was surprised with her age. He started to speak.
“Please,” he whispered, “please, don’t do this.”
The girl said nothing. She just looked down at him, expressionless.
“I have children...and..and a wife.” His sputters turned into uncontrollable coughing.
She raised the sword from the ground. The man broke down, starting to cry, begging for his life.
“No..no, please. I, I haven’t done anything. I don’t deserve this. Why are you doing this to me? You are all monsters.” His whispers rose to a cry as he stared into her eyes. The last insult hit a nerve. She let the sword dropped a little.
“How dare you call me a monster.” She said in a low voice. “How dare you act as if you are innocent, even more, as if you were the victim. You know what you have done and my job is to eliminate people like you from society. I am not the monster here. You are.” The man’s breathing slowed and quieted.
“I did what I had to do to keep my family safe. Do you really think....” He started.
“What you did wasn’t about keeping your family safe. That was fulfilling your own sick pleasure.” She said, cutting him off. The man slouched as tears filled his eyes.
“I was just doing my job, as you are now. P..please don’t.” He started to sob once again.
Her head reeled with the severity of the mission she was tasked with. She recalled the meeting when she got him as her target and the reason why she was to eliminate him. At the time, the reason for him to be terminated seemed silly to her. But she was in no position to question why or how she was to take him out. She just had to do it.
“Don’t you people have any remorse?” He asked, his face was a mix of tears and blood.
His words cut through her like a dagger. She felt her anger rising as her fingers tightened over the gold painted hilt. His sobs stopped but his head remained hung.
“Then do it.” He whispered.
She said nothing as she raised the sword once more. With one clean swipe, his body went limp and fell to the ground. His blood spilled across the green grass. She stepped off to the side, wiped the blade clean in the tall weeds, then stood up straight once again. She gave a quick glance back to the dead man behind her.
“Target eliminated.” She said, knowing her words would be heard.
She turned away from the scene and disappeared into the shadows of the thick trees.Have a Nice Day!
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Posted: Sun Jun 16, 2013 6:43 am
There's a few grammar errors, but I won't go into those unless you want them.
Unlike what Ivre said, I don't really see this girl as sociopathic; sociopaths don't have remorse, and she had a glimpse of what that's like. However, I don't really see why she does; nothing about the man seems pitiable, and she's clearly been raised to kill these people. If you continue it, that needs to be explained somehow.
Perhaps most importantly is that silver is a soft metal, and dragging a sword through the ground is bad for the blade. Why is she dragging it? Is it too big for her? For that matter, what does she look like? You provide a description of the man, but leave out any pertinent details for her (except her gender).
Hitting a nerve (para. 6) tends to anger people. She's in power here, why does she lower the sword?
The last sentence of para 7 suggests the man dies before she kills him. You should probably rephrase that.
Why is she reeling with the mission now? You've implied that she's killed before, and this time, she's hesitant? Even describing it with the word "silly" seems a bit...understated.
Also, she seems to be easily controlled by this guy. She talks when he talks, she kills him when he asks for it, etc. You'd better explain why later.
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Posted: Sun Jun 16, 2013 9:33 am
LiaThistle There's a few grammar errors, but I won't go into those unless you want them. Unlike what Ivre said, I don't really see this girl as sociopathic; sociopaths don't have remorse, and she had a glimpse of what that's like. However, I don't really see why she does; nothing about the man seems pitiable, and she's clearly been raised to kill these people. If you continue it, that needs to be explained somehow. Perhaps most importantly is that silver is a soft metal, and dragging a sword through the ground is bad for the blade. Why is she dragging it? Is it too big for her? For that matter, what does she look like? You provide a description of the man, but leave out any pertinent details for her (except her gender). Hitting a nerve (para. 6) tends to anger people. She's in power here, why does she lower the sword? The last sentence of para 7 suggests the man dies before she kills him. You should probably rephrase that. Why is she reeling with the mission now? You've implied that she's killed before, and this time, she's hesitant? Even describing it with the word "silly" seems a bit...understated. Also, she seems to be easily controlled by this guy. She talks when he talks, she kills him when he asks for it, etc. You'd better explain why later. Thank you so much <3 Like I said on my other post. I think I'm going to make this the beginning of the first chapter. And yes, in this prologue right now, this little girl is 7. The sword is too big for her and actually this is her first time killing. But she has been with her mentor and watched him kill people. That's why she is kind of unprofessional at it. But yes I will explain.
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Posted: Sun Jun 16, 2013 10:49 am
Okay...why a 7 year old? This situation is too heavy for 5-7 year olds to read and comprehend, and the reader age of stories tends to be 0-2 years younger than the protagonist, until the reader is around 20 (at which point, reading habits are unpredictable).
That aside, though, really, why a 7 year old?
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Posted: Mon Jun 17, 2013 11:31 am
LiaThistle Okay...why a 7 year old? This situation is too heavy for 5-7 year olds to read and comprehend, and the reader age of stories tends to be 0-2 years younger than the protagonist, until the reader is around 20 (at which point, reading habits are unpredictable). That aside, though, really, why a 7 year old? This is going to be sort of a dream that the main character has about herself on her first mission. She's actually going to be a 17 year old girl.
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Posted: Mon Jun 17, 2013 1:01 pm
Bluefirefoxlove LiaThistle Okay...why a 7 year old? This situation is too heavy for 5-7 year olds to read and comprehend, and the reader age of stories tends to be 0-2 years younger than the protagonist, until the reader is around 20 (at which point, reading habits are unpredictable). That aside, though, really, why a 7 year old? This is going to be sort of a dream that the main character has about herself on her first mission. She's actually going to be a 17 year old girl. Why is the man utterly intimidated by a 7 year old girl with a sword too big for her to handle properly? Well, aside from that, I saw that you refered to the main character as a vigilante. If I wasn't mistaken, this prologue introduces the girl as a hitman, rather than a vigilante.
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Posted: Wed Jun 26, 2013 11:54 am
it is very intence and the Idea of it being a flashback is a good Idea. How I would continue is after the flashback you link it to what she is doing when she is 17, she could be in the middle of something similar, or she could be stoping something similar.
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