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 Posted: Mon Oct 29, 2012 2:29 pm
"I love you." he says.
"I love you to." I say.
It's been three years now. Me and Josh have been together for three whole years. I feel like my heart is full of love. Never to be broken. He told me that we would be married when we get older. His exact words. "I will marry you in the future, maybe."
"Can I talk to you?" he says.
"Sure." I say.
"I don't think this is going to work, your not my type." he says.
"It was just a dare." he says.
"To make it up to you I picked up a rose." he says.
He left me there standing by a tree.
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Posted: Tue Oct 30, 2012 12:28 pm
I like the concept of the story, I can see what kind of impact you were going for but I feel that the execution needed a bit of work. I think one of my biggest problems is that every spoken word you used the word "says". Or even if that was used, throw some more words in to describe how they sounded when they spoke. People whisper, they shout, they scream, they snap, giggle, hiss, growl, holler, mumble, grumble, etc. etc.
Although, I truly have to say that any guy who goes with a girl on a dare and makes her think that he loves her probably wouldn't even go through the trouble of getting her a rose to make her feel better. Then again, some people are just jerks. >_<
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Posted: Thu Nov 01, 2012 4:02 pm
Someone else has already picked up on the fact that when you use character dialogue, you use the words "say" or "says" a lot.
On the other hand, I'll just pick at the grammatical errors.
" "I love you to." I say."
To should be too (I understand the error, sometimes we forget!) and instead of a period, there should be a comma since there is more onto the sentence as a whole, the sentence being that the character is saying something. The same should go for the line above it and any other time the sentence ends with "he said" or "she replied."
For example,
"I don't think I'll be able to do that." Because the dialogue itself is the sentence, it ends with a period. However...
"I don't think I'll be able to do that," replied the girl. Now it becomes a comma, because there's more to add on to the dialogue/sentence. ("Said the girl" is the extra part.) I haven't been taught this in my English classes yet, but I picked up on this from reading and paying attention to many books.
"Me and Josh" should be Josh and I.
The transition between the top half of this piece and the bottom half of this piece sort of confused me at first. While I do like how you're straightforward, I don't know if what happened was in the same day or if something happened yesterday and then the bottom half if what happened today.
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Posted: Thu Nov 01, 2012 4:05 pm
Not To Be Mean Or Smart I Thought This Was A Writing Class Not a Correcting Grammar Class.
The Comments Should Be About What You Like About The Story. All Ya'll Doing Is Telling Me How I Need To Fix This And Fix That.
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Posted: Fri Nov 02, 2012 9:38 am
xx-jocelynn-xx Not To Be Mean Or Smart I Thought This Was A Writing Class Not a Correcting Grammar Class.
The Comments Should Be About What You Like About The Story. All Ya'll Doing Is Telling Me How I Need To Fix This And Fix That. And in writing classes, grammar is an important part of it. If you are trying to write something, whether it be a paper for school or a piece of fiction, grammar is something that needs to be correct. If you are not grammatically correct, people won't take you as seriously. When we point that out, we're trying to help you. Whether you like it or not, grammar is something that is monumentally important when it comes to writing if you want people to take you seriously. And we both did mention something we liked about the story. Munashii commented that she liked the straightforwardness of the piece that you wrote and I mentioned that I like the concept. It's not supposed to be just all glowing praises here as we are trying to help each other improve, it says as much on the guild homepage. This is a place to yes, receive comments on what people liked, but it is also a place to receive constructive criticism. To help you BUILD. That's why it's called constructive. We are both just trying to help you.
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Posted: Fri Nov 02, 2012 3:04 pm
Night Kunoichi xx-jocelynn-xx Not To Be Mean Or Smart I Thought This Was A Writing Class Not a Correcting Grammar Class.
The Comments Should Be About What You Like About The Story. All Ya'll Doing Is Telling Me How I Need To Fix This And Fix That. And in writing classes, grammar is an important part of it. If you are trying to write something, whether it be a paper for school or a piece of fiction, grammar is something that needs to be correct. If you are not grammatically correct, people won't take you as seriously. When we point that out, we're trying to help you. Whether you like it or not, grammar is something that is monumentally important when it comes to writing if you want people to take you seriously. And we both did mention something we liked about the story. Munashii commented that she liked the straightforwardness of the piece that you wrote and I mentioned that I like the concept. It's not supposed to be just all glowing praises here as we are trying to help each other improve, it says as much on the guild homepage. This is a place to yes, receive comments on what people liked, but it is also a place to receive constructive criticism. To help you BUILD. That's why it's called constructive. We are both just trying to help you.
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Posted: Fri Nov 02, 2012 3:16 pm
That is a really sad story, and it also is something that can happen in real life. I liked how the readers would have thought that the characters would have been together. But judging by that maybe for marriage, it showed there there will be conflict.
Plus, even though he knew he was breaking her heart, he given her a rose...I think I'll be thinking about this for awhile.
Overall, it was a really good story 3nodding
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Posted: Fri Nov 02, 2012 3:26 pm
You know what would be so AMAZING! Maybe if the story was about them being together, then Josh had to break up because he was threatened somehow to break up. Then gave her the rose because inside, he really does love her, but for her to be safe, he had to say those hurtful words. 3nodding
PERFECT STORY!
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