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 Posted: Sat Jul 07, 2012 11:41 pm
This is only a rough draft of what I have, so I haven't really done any editing to this yet since I'm still working on it. I know that there's a lot to fix, but I like to write everything up and then edit it, if you know what I mean wink . But I would like to hear the opinions of others.
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Posted: Sun Jul 08, 2012 12:14 am
Prologue
Silence surrounded me, revealing nothing. I paused, doing my best to listen for any sound, but once again, there was nothing. It was quiet; peaceful. Truth is I wanted to keep laying here in the stillness without a worry in the world. I sighed, enjoying the silence. At least, I think I sighed. Nothing came out of my mouth. My body went rigid as I tried to sigh again. This time it was only the sound of that sigh, but there was no air coming out. No breath.
I wasn't breathing.
It wasn't like holding my breath while swimming. This was more paralyzing. If I were swimming, I would have been able to take in air, but I wasn't. There was no oxygen filling my lungs. But if I wasn't breathing, then why am I awake?
Just to make sure I was alive, I started to lift my hand to check my pulse. My thumb pressed against my wrist, waiting for that pulse to confirm what I hope isn't true. Five seconds passed by in my head; another five after that. I still couldn't feel my pulse. I jerked my hand away, hard, causing my elbow to slam against a metallic wall. The sound echoed all around me, disturbing the once peaceful silence.
Oh, God. Where the hell am I?
I decided to call out, see if anyone was outside these walls. "Hello?" My voice came out weakly, a hoarse whisper, echoing around me. I called out again, louder this time, and still there was no answer.
To hell with this. I slammed my fists against the sides, the metallic wall refusing to budge. Using my right foot, I kicked the wall my feet were resting against and a small sliver of light appeared after hitting it. Sighing with relief, I was glad that at least something is working. I pulled both of my feet back as far as I could, striking with as much strength as I could, and hit the wall again. The wall moved farther down, moving me with it. I propped my hands against the wall behind me and pushed, the slab below me shifting with my weight.
The light continued to increase, till it hit my eyes, forcing me to shut them closed. The slab stopped moving, unable to go further. I laid there for what seemed like forever, quietly waiting, not really sure if I should open my eyes or not. My eyes became small slits, staring up into several light fixtures on a ceiling. That's good. From where I was without actually looking, I was in a room. With light. I was on the bright side of things.
Sitting up, I realized I was covered with a white sheet, and that it was the only thing keeping me covered up. "What the hell?" Before the sheet could fall further, I grabbed it, holding it close to me. I sat up straighter, my eyes adjusting to the light, giving me a good view of where I was.
Tables were scattered all over the room, some of them empty, while others had mounds of something underneath a white sheet similar to mine, feet sticking out at the ends with tags on them. A few feet away a sink was leaking slightly, drops of water making plunking sounds as they hit the bottom. Rows upon rows of metal shelves covered two of the walls, including the one behind me, where I came up from. If I could breathe, I think I would be holding it about now.
I was in a morgue.
"Well, took you long enough to wake up."
My body froze, realizing there was another person in the room with me. Slowly, I turned my head towards the voice and stared at him.
A man leaned against one of the tables, his hands resting on either side of him on the edge, his legs crossed carelessly over the other. He was wearing a light colored suit, the top two buttons of his shirt open. Wait a minute - here I am, sitting on a metal slab in a morgue, and this guy here is talking to me? And the first thing I notice about this guy is his outfit? What is wrong with me?
I continued to stare at him, and he laughed lightly. "Can you speak?" He asked quietly.
The first words out of my mouth were stuttered. "Y-yes." I couldn't help it. What else am I supposed to say? Actually, there was plenty more I could say. "Why am I here?" I straightened up, swinging my legs over the edge of the slab, my feet dangling a few inches above the floor.
The stranger laughed again, throwing his head back while he did. "At least you can talk after what happened to you. I didn't know how long it would take for you to awaken, though. Sometimes it takes days for someone deceased to actually rise." He shrugged, stepping away from the table and towards me, stopping a few feet away. He asked, "How do you feel? Does your neck hurt at all?"
"My neck?" I reached up to my throat, not exactly sure what he was talking about. As my fingers touched my throat, I could feel a gaping wound, running across in a straight line, as if somebody slit it. The only problem is that it felt like it, which meant somebody did. Which also meant I was dead?
But I was sitting here, talking to a person who obviously was talking back to me. I can't be dead if I was actually talking, right? I thought back to when I first woke up, when I found out I wasn't breathing or had a heartbeat. I still had neither of those, yet I was chatting with a guy in a morgue. Interesting.
I was pretty sure panic was written over my face, because the stranger started to say, "Do not worry. It'll patch up sometime soon after we finish our conversation."
I looked into his eyes, and I could swear there was something else in there that wasn't exactly normal. "Who are you?" Before he could answer, I revised my question. "What are you?"
The stranger smiled, but it didn't reach his eyes as he stared coldly back at me.
"My name is Radmund, and I am a demon. I'm the one who brought you back from the dead, and I want to make a deal with you."
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Posted: Sun Jul 08, 2012 11:11 am
hmm. I thought your descriptive language was strong, especially when describing the morgue. It's easy to be lazy and just say "they were in a morgue" and kudos for not taking that easy way out. It weakens something when people do that too much, I think. It definitely grabbed me, and kind of creeped me out, to be truthful, not an easy task. My only critique is watch out for repetition of words. It can be useful at times, but usually it's jarring. But that is usually something that gets sifted out in the second or third edit (at least for me.)
On the whole, looking forward to more.
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