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 Posted: Tue Feb 14, 2006 11:56 pm
[ Message temporarily off-line ]
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Posted: Wed Feb 15, 2006 12:00 am
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Posted: Wed Feb 15, 2006 9:56 am
I read a story just like this once...
But I forget the details. ninja
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Posted: Wed Feb 15, 2006 6:14 pm
Fixed up the first 3 (now 4) paragraphs a little per PF's advice.
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Posted: Thu Feb 16, 2006 7:08 pm
I liked the story...but I really wanna know what city it was.
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Posted: Thu Feb 16, 2006 7:09 pm
Zoeidina I liked the story...but I really wanna know what city it was. Pick any large American city, and that was it. I'm thinking more internal...Chicago, Philadelphia
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Posted: Thu Feb 16, 2006 7:15 pm
God that was good. I loved the action sequence, but I wish it had more detail. Unless you're going to reveal that stuff later. If this is a one shot pieace or a short story you might as well reveal everything that happened in that alley/city/where ever she killed the guy, and make it as gritty and real as you can. pirate
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Posted: Thu Feb 16, 2006 9:56 pm
Sergeant Sargent God that was good. I loved the action sequence, but I wish it had more detail. Unless you're going to reveal that stuff later. If this is a one shot pieace or a short story you might as well reveal everything that happened in that alley/city/where ever she killed the guy, and make it as gritty and real as you can. pirate I probably should, yeah... I don't know if this is going to get worked into the book or not. I'll go work on that. I wasn't happy with it to begin with. And by she, who do you mean? Susan didn't kill him. Ani=Anadori=guy.
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Posted: Thu Feb 16, 2006 10:10 pm
[ Message temporarily off-line ]
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Posted: Thu Feb 16, 2006 10:19 pm
Well, I managed to tie in the rain to the ending with one sentence... Now to work on the rest.
Yes, the stain is from the rain. I'll try to work in more about the new future, but at this point Anadori's against 'them' and doesn't want it or to be a part of it. The guy he killed was part of 'them,' and they wanted Susan because she had been part of a government experiment. I'll try to make that more obvious.
I don't really want to touch on the rain too much, because that's going to be explained in the actual book. After all, this piece is supposed to be about Anadori and not about the world.
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Posted: Fri Feb 17, 2006 1:03 am
I really do love the very ending prose. It reminds me of how the Internet treats a lot of people who find their way into communities, built by people from across the world--who don't really care about anything more than a few pixels, and personality on the other end.
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Posted: Fri Feb 17, 2006 11:59 am
radioactive alchemist Sergeant Sargent God that was good. I loved the action sequence, but I wish it had more detail. Unless you're going to reveal that stuff later. If this is a one shot pieace or a short story you might as well reveal everything that happened in that alley/city/where ever she killed the guy, and make it as gritty and real as you can. pirate I probably should, yeah... I don't know if this is going to get worked into the book or not. I'll go work on that. I wasn't happy with it to begin with. And by she, who do you mean? Susan didn't kill him. Ani=Anadori=guy. Oh, Andori! eek When I read Ani I thought Anne.
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Posted: Sun Feb 19, 2006 3:23 pm
;w;
Gonna try and finish this this weekend.
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Posted: Mon Feb 20, 2006 12:05 pm
This is not much of a critique but - I liked it. It has a real feel of coming from the dystopian/urban/cyberpunk tradition.
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Posted: Thu Feb 23, 2006 9:26 pm
ninja Hoping to finish this tonight, which means I need people to help me out here...
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