|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
 Posted: Sun Sep 11, 2011 5:42 pm
"If you feel like it,
come with me." I hate him so much.
Background:
He's been an alcoholic longer than he's been my dad, and he's so mean and rude and obnoxious when he's drunk. He's called me fat and stupid and says I'll never amount to anything close to a diplomat (my dream career). He insults me like he's 12 years old and it hurts and annoys and makes me mad so much I can hardly contain it.
In middle school he and I had an awful relationship. I was obsessed with the internet and he would yell at me about it constantly, sometimes only inches from my face. He never tried anything nice, like talking to me about it or helping me come up with ways to fix it and focus on school like I should have been doing (your grades and what you do in middle school doesn't matter anyway, so wtf). After spring break of freshman year, when I came back from skiing with my friends and I had to come back to him and all his disgusting negative energy.. I yelled at him all the time about it. I told him every single piece of what I felt. And that was what.. like four or five months ago? I've talked to my friend about this before over the internet; wrote out everything and sent it to her. I even printed it out and put it on his pillow. I'm not sure if he read it.
He has done nothing in the way of telling me how he feels. The ball has been in his court this whole time.
Now:
He acts like nothing's wrong. Like what I said to him doesn't matter. I poured my heart out and he's discarding it like trash.
I really can't stand being anywhere near him, and I feel compelled to be a b***h to him because that's how I left off when I talked to him about it last.
It's like a never-ending game of one-upping each other. He acts like a 12 year old to me and it's so insulting.
I'm sorry if I'm confusing you and if I'm not explaining the situation correctly, but it's very difficult to explain.
I literally don't know what to do. How do I act around him? He's most likely thinking this is just a phase I'll grow out of. But it's not. This is for real. If this keeps up much longer, when I'm older I can definitely see myself leaving him out of as much as possible.
I HATE mind games and it's exactly what he's doing to me. "I will tell you a story.
I'll show you something."
-The Book Thief
|
 |
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Posted: Sun Sep 11, 2011 5:46 pm
Well it sucks you don't have an actual father figure in your life, but I'm not sure if that's going to change. Where is your mother in all this? Is he a single parent?
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Posted: Sun Sep 11, 2011 5:48 pm
pirulaso Well it sucks you don't have an actual father figure in your life, but I'm not sure if that's going to change. Where is your mother in all this? Is he a single parent? "If you feel like it,
come with me." Yes I have both parents but my mom is getting tired of this riff between me and my dad and I don't blame her.
I just wish my dad would say something so I could be at peace.
._. "I will tell you a story.
I'll show you something."
-The Book Thief
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Posted: Sun Sep 11, 2011 5:54 pm
If your parents are divorced then try to stay with your mom.
If they aren't, push for a divorce between your two parents.
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Posted: Sun Sep 11, 2011 6:02 pm
Music Breaks Hearts pirulaso Well it sucks you don't have an actual father figure in your life, but I'm not sure if that's going to change. Where is your mother in all this? Is he a single parent? "If you feel like it,
come with me." Yes I have both parents but my mom is getting tired of this riff between me and my dad and I don't blame her.
I just wish my dad would say something so I could be at peace.
._. "I will tell you a story.
I'll show you something."
-The Book Thief It sounds like no matter what, he has to lose the alchaholism. If that's not going to happen soon, I wouldn't hold my breath. I mean he has to have a good side or why would you expect him to talk to you? Like I don't understand why you haven't given up on him if this is how its been your entire life. The only nice thing I can say really is that four years, you can go to college and eventually be independant. So if you have to, you can always play the waiting game. Don't let this ruin your dreams
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Posted: Sun Sep 11, 2011 6:02 pm
I ‘had’ the same situation. My father is an alcoholic too.
I usually used to make him feel bad by bringing up the past and throwing it into his face which made him cry like a baby -I didn’t feel bad, he was an a** to me so I usually didn’t care how he felt after-
I can be very manipulative when I want to be, thats usually what I did to get my way.
Though around him -to not make him angry- I would leave him alone until he passed out on the couch.
Soon after my mom had enough of his abusive ways and forced him out of the house to live in michigan -which only lasted four months until he went to live with his dad-
BUT he ended up living here again, I guess -well he says- that god talks to him or something and that prayers help him not drink anymore =w= which he just turned himself onto weed =.=
ANYWAY.... -not about me here, sorry sweatdrop -
Thats how I mainly coped with my abusive alcoholic father =w= don’t really know what other advice or stories I can give but that sweatdrop
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Posted: Sun Sep 11, 2011 6:16 pm
pirulaso It sounds like no matter what, he has to lose the alchaholism. If that's not going to happen soon, I wouldn't hold my breath. I mean he has to have a good side or why would you expect him to talk to you? Like I don't understand why you haven't given up on him if this is how its been your entire life. The only nice thing I can say really is that four years, you can go to college and eventually be independant. So if you have to, you can always play the waiting game. Don't let this ruin your dreams "If you feel like it,
come with me." He's been an alcoholic for a really long time and I only started speaking up in April. Since then I've been playing the waiting game.
I can be really stubborn, which is why I've been able to wait for so many months for him to do something. I suppose I have no choice but to give up on him. I still greatly dislike his presence.
.-. "I will tell you a story.
I'll show you something."
-The Book Thief
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Posted: Sun Sep 11, 2011 6:59 pm
Not reading any other responses here,
I'm pretty much in the same situation as you,
My Dad has been an alcoholic since before I was born.
When I was a child I admired him, I thought he was the best dad ever.
I would stay up til 4 am just to see him come home from a party.
When he got in drunk fights I always blamed the other man rather than my father's dumbass self.
He would said my mother was worthless and my grandfather and my whole other side of the family and he was the top dog.
My father never even went to collage; My mother did, my grandfather went to college and worked for the military.
My "Dad" is an a*****e. I kept every emotion within me until about a year ago. I stopped visiting him, I stopped visitng that side of my family. Just gone.
sooner or later i started coming back but he was still an a##hole and I finally poured out my emotions to him AND HE DIDN'T CARE. AT ALL.
Thats When I decided I could no longer accept him in my life.
No, He didn't abuse me physically like he use to do with my mother.
But he did emotionally. And i wasn't gonna take his crap anymore.
I was old enough to know better.
I'm barely a freshman, but I've completely kicked him out of my life as of right now. I don't need someone who is holding me back. I haven't talked to him since Easter, when i did I broke down over three times.
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Posted: Sat Sep 17, 2011 1:05 pm
If you switched father with mother, that was my story exactly.
I learned a loooong time ago that putting any kind of energy whatsoever into a relationship with her was throwing that energy into a black hole. I used to try everything I could think of to get her to like me-- or at least acknowledge how I felt. After years of being screamed at, sworn at, insulted, ignored, called a liar, and physically assaulted on several occasions, I finally accepted what people had been telling me for years: I cannot change her, I can only change how I react to her.
So I stopped. It was hard to ignore her completely when I was still living there, but I had as little to do with her as humanly possible. Every night, my door was shut and locked (though I still had to barricade the doors when she was intent on breaking in-- it wasn't an actual lock and key door). I stopped doing anything for her, I stopped buying her nice gifts and cards in hopes to appease her for her birthday and mother's day, I stopped talking to her unless she talked to me first.
Instead of putting my efforts towards her, I invested it all into trying to make myself happy despite living with her. Now that I've moved out, it's much easier. Now I actually laugh about the crap she tries to pull, instead of uncontrollably stewing about it. I still talk to her sometimes-- mostly because my dad is trying to amicably divorce her, and I don't want the rock the boat for him. Once that is all done, I can't foresee myself caring much one way or the other. If she stirs up trouble, I'll just drop her. I don't need that in my life.
Also: a lot of people suggested AlAnon/AlATeen to me when I was in school. I never went- partially due to social anxiety, partially because I was scared to ask anyone to take me- but it seems like it's worth looking into. If you haven't heard of it already, you might want to check it out.
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Posted: Fri Sep 30, 2011 11:07 pm
I don't want you to think that I'm trying to defend your father, because I'm not. However, I've had time to understand what caused the physical and emotional abuse heaped on my by both of my parents, and the addictions they both have.
Alcoholism is a coping mechanism. Your father has issues he can't deal with. He has pain he's trying to shut out. Sadly, his pain causes him to lash out. If he always seemed kind to other people, he was lashing out at you because he felt safe enough around you to let himself show some of the agony he felt. It's horrible and twisted, I know.
Ignoring what you wrote doesn't mean he didn't care. It probably means he couldn't handle confronting how he made you fees, so he buried it deep down inside and pretended it wasn't real.
If he isn't a monster when he's sober, I'm betting he doesn't want to hurt you, and does love you. It's the alcohol that frees the beast inside.
It's very rare to really have a cruel drunkard that isn't a miserable, broken person.
Now, that doesn't mean it's okay that he's doing this. I don't forgive my father's actions, but I understand them, and I try to have a positive relationship with him, though we only talk once every few months, and I only call him on his birthday and holidays. As for my mother, she really is a terrible person, and understanding the psychology of abuse and addiction allowed me to be sure of that. As such, I cut off contact with her 3 years ago, and I don't regret it in the slightest.
You say you hate him. Don't allow yourself to be blinded by the hatred. He may very well be a man that loves you dearly, and that suffers every day and tries to drown the suffering with the bottle, and acts horribly because he doesn't know how else to handle his own emotions. It's very possible he drank even more because he hated himself for hurting you.
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Posted: Sat Oct 01, 2011 10:20 am
Calliope Solipsism I don't want you to think that I'm trying to defend your father, because I'm not. However, I've had time to understand what caused the physical and emotional abuse heaped on my by both of my parents, and the addictions they both have. Alcoholism is a coping mechanism. Your father has issues he can't deal with. He has pain he's trying to shut out. Sadly, his pain causes him to lash out. If he always seemed kind to other people, he was lashing out at you because he felt safe enough around you to let himself show some of the agony he felt. It's horrible and twisted, I know. Ignoring what you wrote doesn't mean he didn't care. It probably means he couldn't handle confronting how he made you fees, so he buried it deep down inside and pretended it wasn't real. If he isn't a monster when he's sober, I'm betting he doesn't want to hurt you, and does love you. It's the alcohol that frees the beast inside. It's very rare to really have a cruel drunkard that isn't a miserable, broken person. Now, that doesn't mean it's okay that he's doing this. I don't forgive my father's actions, but I understand them, and I try to have a positive relationship with him, though we only talk once every few months, and I only call him on his birthday and holidays. As for my mother, she really is a terrible person, and understanding the psychology of abuse and addiction allowed me to be sure of that. As such, I cut off contact with her 3 years ago, and I don't regret it in the slightest. You say you hate him. Don't allow yourself to be blinded by the hatred. He may very well be a man that loves you dearly, and that suffers every day and tries to drown the suffering with the bottle, and acts horribly because he doesn't know how else to handle his own emotions. It's very possible he drank even more because he hated himself for hurting you. "If you feel like it,
come with me." Wow. I never really thought of it that way.
And I want to be a diplomat.
emo
Thanks, this has made me see things much differently.
He apologized to me a few days ago and plus this, I'm starting to actually forgive him.
Thanks pretty lady.
:)
Also when I wrote the op I was pretty angry, that can explain the declarations of hate. I need to work on controlling my moods a bit.
D: "I will tell you a story.
I'll show you something."
-The Book Thief
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Posted: Sun Oct 02, 2011 12:17 am
Music Breaks Hearts Calliope Solipsism I don't want you to think that I'm trying to defend your father, because I'm not. However, I've had time to understand what caused the physical and emotional abuse heaped on my by both of my parents, and the addictions they both have. Alcoholism is a coping mechanism. Your father has issues he can't deal with. He has pain he's trying to shut out. Sadly, his pain causes him to lash out. If he always seemed kind to other people, he was lashing out at you because he felt safe enough around you to let himself show some of the agony he felt. It's horrible and twisted, I know. Ignoring what you wrote doesn't mean he didn't care. It probably means he couldn't handle confronting how he made you fees, so he buried it deep down inside and pretended it wasn't real. If he isn't a monster when he's sober, I'm betting he doesn't want to hurt you, and does love you. It's the alcohol that frees the beast inside. It's very rare to really have a cruel drunkard that isn't a miserable, broken person. Now, that doesn't mean it's okay that he's doing this. I don't forgive my father's actions, but I understand them, and I try to have a positive relationship with him, though we only talk once every few months, and I only call him on his birthday and holidays. As for my mother, she really is a terrible person, and understanding the psychology of abuse and addiction allowed me to be sure of that. As such, I cut off contact with her 3 years ago, and I don't regret it in the slightest. You say you hate him. Don't allow yourself to be blinded by the hatred. He may very well be a man that loves you dearly, and that suffers every day and tries to drown the suffering with the bottle, and acts horribly because he doesn't know how else to handle his own emotions. It's very possible he drank even more because he hated himself for hurting you. "If you feel like it,
come with me." Wow. I never really thought of it that way.
And I want to be a diplomat.
emo
Thanks, this has made me see things much differently.
He apologized to me a few days ago and plus this, I'm starting to actually forgive him.
Thanks pretty lady.
:)
Also when I wrote the op I was pretty angry, that can explain the declarations of hate. I need to work on controlling my moods a bit.
D: "I will tell you a story.
I'll show you something."
-The Book Thief I'm glad I could help, and I'm really glad that you two might be on the path to mending your relationship, or at least making it a bit more tolerable. As for the declarations of hate, I get it. Sometimes you can't help but hate someone; I certainly felt genuine hatred for both of my parents for many years. You don't have to try to explain it away, because it's not like you were whining that your cellphone was taken away after you went way over your texting limit and cost your parents quite a bit of money or some other silly spoiled complaint. Your problem is very real, and anger was a perfectly understandable response. I genuinely wish you luck.
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Posted: Sun Oct 02, 2011 12:37 am
Wow. My step-dad was not supportive at all, but he wasn't an alcoholic. I mean, he met my mom when I was nine, and he tried disciplining my brother and I. But we were without a father figure for almost five years, and we were really resistant toward him. He was more emotionally abusive if anything, he would tell us that we weren't going to amount to anything if we didn't get good grades, and I didn't hear him say he was proud of me until I got a job being an electrician in Las Vegas. He hated it whenever I would go on the internet because I wasn't being productive, and he was always taking the mouse and keyboard as punishment... I understand how you feel, but after I moved out of the house and was out of his hair, he's been really nice to me. Sometimes that's all it takes is for the child to leave for a few years and their attitude toward you will change drastically...
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
