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 Posted: Fri Jul 22, 2011 1:03 pm
Right, I'm not one for in depth explanations. But I've had a constant battle with family over the past few years.
I left my fathers residence in January for the fifth and final time.
He was abusive. He suffered from many problems; both mental and physical.
He took it out on me and me alone. My siblings were never abused. I don't wish to go any further than that. But now he wants to get back in contact. I really don't wish to see him again, yet my family are constantly pushing me to do it. You guys, what do I do?
Also, no smarmy remarks or trolling. I won't be happy if you do.
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Posted: Fri Jul 22, 2011 1:09 pm
Its up to you, really. If you don't want to see him again, there is no reason to. If the rest of your family can't get used to that, they're very close minded.
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Posted: Fri Jul 22, 2011 1:13 pm
That would be your choice. If you don't want to be with him, then don't do it. As the above poster said, your family may be very close-minded.
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Posted: Sat Jul 23, 2011 12:26 pm
cєℓєsтιαℓ ғιʀєғℓιєs:
Some people are just toxic for you, and there's no shame in cutting them right out of your life. Don't get back in touch with him just because your family wants you to; they'll have to deal with it if they can't understand why you're not willing to keep him in your life.
That being said, you can still talk without having to see him. However, that's completely up to you. My mother has long been a toxic person in my life, but I do talk to her. When it gets too much to handle, I stop talking to her. Hell, even when it's not exactly too much to handle and she's just annoying me (she whines about everything), I just stop responding.
So go forward with baby steps. Take only what you can handle, and if you can't handle it then take a step back. There's nothing wrong with that. And good job, for finding the strength to leave in the first place. smile
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Posted: Sat Jul 23, 2011 4:23 pm
Frankly, if I were you, I wouldn't go back in contact with him.
Honestly, I wouldn't care what my family thinks. If he has done things like that to you and you FINALLY got away from that toxicity, why would you re-engage?
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Posted: Sat Jul 23, 2011 4:32 pm
So totes understanding exactly what you're talking about!
I've always been close to my family, even with problems such as these. I can't keep them from my life.
Keep the distance for a few more weeks. If you decide to 'reconnect' keep your visits very brief, come in, say hello, no more than thirty minutes but longer than ten if you can. Then leave.
It's as simple as that, if your dad wants to keep close he'll make an effort to visit longer, if not, thats one him.
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Posted: Sat Jul 23, 2011 4:45 pm
I doubt it would be a very healthy situation for you, even if he's reformed himself. Time does heal wounds - it puts scar tissue over them, but the pain is still there and there's no telling what could trigger memories.
But in the end, it is up to you. No one can really understand what went on and how you feel about it except for you.
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Posted: Sat Jul 23, 2011 4:53 pm
I wouldn't take up that offer from the family, especially if your father abused only you. You are aware of what happened, but I"m certain that if he abused others in the family, they wouldn't push you to see him again.
It's easy for someone to simply imagine what someone else is going through or has gone through when they haven't experienced it themselves, and it might be that your family simply cares about you and your father, and want you to have a healthy and mended relationship. If he abused you bad enough (and so exclusively) that you felt you had to get away, then that's a relationship that I don't think can ever be fixed.
Your father could probably control if he abused you or not, if he managed not to do that to anyone else, but he did something wrong, and now there are consequenses to his actions.
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Posted: Sat Jul 23, 2011 5:03 pm
First off, please allow me to say that I'm sorry that happened. Also, and I mean no offense by this, but your family seems to be in denial. If he was abusive then you need to be honest with yourself about that first and others second...sometimes they won't hear it or they'll write it off, and there's not much you can do about that, the whole you can lead a horse to water but you can't make it drink, sometimes you just can't get people to see what they don't want to see...but if you can be independent and stay safe doing so, do. Boundaries are important and I'm sorry you had to endure so much. Last, I agree with some of the other posts when they say that you shouldn't be pressured into doing something you know isn't good for you so stay strong.
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Posted: Sun Jul 24, 2011 5:23 pm
I'd say don't resume contact with him. From my experience, people usually don't change. They go back to how they were. I'll be blunt, but, I don't really think he cares for you as he should if he did it, and if anything, he probably feels guilty. As he should. But, it can be very stressful being around someone who's done things to you that were bad. I agree with Thousand1volts, I feel your family is in denial. Unless YOU want to talk to him, I'd say 'leave it to die'. Don't relight the fire.
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Posted: Mon Jul 25, 2011 8:49 am
If he's taking it on you and only you, then I suspect that he sees himself in you. He sees some sort of mirror image, yells at it to get better when he's really wanting himself to improve (but can't for some reason), realizes it's not him, feels guilty afterwards and tries to make amends.
There's my amateurish read on the situation. Doesn't really tell you what to do though, does it? sweatdrop
I kept in contact with my biological father after my parents divorced, mainly due to my mom's encouragement and to him wanting to call once in a blue moon. Almost twenty years later, I discovered that he got cancer. Helped with the hospital bill, he got better for a while--then his condition worsened and he died on the morning of my 26th birthday and a year before my wedding.
Dramatic? Yeah, but it really happened. In a way I regret not trying to get to know him better.
Look, I don't know what your family situation is like. All I know is that, most of the time, people do things they believe is the "right thing to do" at a certain time. I'm sure this also applies to your father.
In your case, move out, get settled, be independent, and show your dad that you're fine on your own. Then meet him at your own pace. At least, if s**t happens you can say--and know that you have--tried.
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