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 Posted: Wed Jun 29, 2011 11:44 am
I deeply love my boyfriend but I don't know if I can stay with him anymore.
Some days he is the most sensitive and sweet person in the world, and I feel like he's the only one who is able to really understand me.
But on days like today it's like the ugly truth comes to light and all I can see are his rash decisions and his immaturity.
I'm tired of being the hardass girlfriend. I'm the one in university with almost 10k in the bank, a steady job and straight As. I'm tired of watching him waste all his money, get kicked out of school for not applying for his student loan soon enough, get mediocre grades even when he is in school (Because he doesn't do his homework, even though he's quite good in those subjects), and have to sit by and try not to nag him constantly.
I've worked damn hard in the last half year or so at not putting him down too much, and trying to be encouraging instead of disapproving all the time.
And yet, somehow, he manages to accuse me of never believing in him.
Getting back together with him at all after our last break up was believing in him. Giving him the benefit of the doubt when he was fired was believing in him. Encouraging him to move out on his own was believing in him. Defending him from all the people around me who told me he wasn't good enough was believing in him.
I don't know how to reconcile the love I have for him with the feeling that he'll never grow up to become a person I can trust to live life responsibly.
Emotionally, I trust him more than anyone I've ever known but he behaves like such a loser I don't think I could ever build a life with him.
I don't know how to make a choice here.
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Posted: Wed Jun 29, 2011 2:31 pm
Have you let him know? Does he know that he needs to give you a reason for you to believe in him? Talk it out. Let him know the situation you're in.
You guys are still young. There's a chance he'll grow out of it, especially if you try to whip him into shape.
Of course, I am probably the worst person to take advice from. But you probably shouldn't break up with him. Not yet. That would be the least romantic thing you could do.
Too bad the world doesn't run on romance. Not anymore.
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Posted: Wed Jun 29, 2011 3:21 pm
Well we have had one major breakup before that lasted for about a year. When we got back together I explained to him that I didn't like the way he spent his money and I was tired of defending him to other people. The issue goes beyond that now, but some facets of it have been addressed previously and there wasn't any marked change.
The worst part is probably that he insists he's turned his life around and things are changing. He's tried to argue his case in isolated incidents and can come up with concrete examples, but in the big picture it just isn't enough.
We're getting together after he gets off work tonight to try and talk about things, but he doesn't even know yet why I'm upset with him. I don't think he's aware of how often people around me politely put him down and how often I end up making excuses for him.
We come from different worlds, a little bit. I live in an upper middle class bungalow, he lives in a side by side; my mom makes $70k a year, his mom works at walmart. Its not like I look down on him or his family, but it makes a difference in a person's values. Its much more important to me to maintain my current standard of living, to constantly have money in my savings. To be fired from a job would be a total disgrace for me. He's pretty much the opposite. He's been fired at least twice in the time I've known him, and he never seems to have any money to spare. His credit card is constantly maxed and he often has an empty bank account.
I just can't imagine living that way, but it doesn't seem to bother him. It's also a bit embarrassing, because all the friends I have look at money and working similarly to me, and they look down on him a little bit for the way he handles his.
Erm, I'm rambling.
Point is, I don't know if this is who he's going to be or if he'll grow out of it. I don't know how to know. I don't know when it would be time to give up.
Thanks Crono, you're a cool dude <3
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Posted: Wed Jun 29, 2011 6:47 pm
i care about you
and hope you get some excellent suggestions
because my guy seems so much like this!
he is one semester away from a college degree but refuses to get one unless his parents pay for it
he does not want to work unless "it is in his field"
i am supporting us
and he has left; his bookstore, the whole demm chain, closed, so he went back to Baltimore with his (divorced) momma.
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Posted: Wed Jun 29, 2011 6:53 pm
I felt like logging in just to reply to this.
Talking to him about this is correct. Crono and I think alike, as normal. Granted, I'm single. Advice = Grain of salt, etc.
I'm a big fan of having a mental 3 strikes rule in relationships. If there are enough similar major ******** in a long period of time, and we've talked about them thoroughly, I'd prob'ly be out. I generally don't get back into relationships with people, though, and am a big communicator when I want something to work.
That said, you want this to work.
I'd say talk, and give him a couple months. Consider telling him you're giving him a couple months to improve his lot. (Dunno if you should; I'm blunt like a billy club, and you don't want to hit him with that, I'd assume.)
Clear communication is the cornerstone of a good relationship. A last chance is in order given feelings.
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Posted: Thu Jun 30, 2011 12:28 am
Thanks Chessie <3 Its frustrating :/ I know what you mean about the work thing, my guy has a hard time swallowing his pride to do retail work. I think thats the main reason he's been fired before.. his ego shows too much and he says things he shouldnt. At the same time, he doesnt seem willing (at least so far) to put in the effort required to finish his courses and be able to do the job he really wants. Argh.
Blake: The issue is, when we got back together after our major breakup, we had a discussion just like this. I told him that he needed to be more responsible if we were ever going to build a life together, and that it was going to be the last chance. Been there, done that. And he did make some improvements, but he falls back into old habits easily and he lost all his momentum.
I went over to see him tonight and we talked for hours. He owned up to a lot of things that he previously avoided talking about or denied responsibility for, and he acknowledged his own immaturity. It was a pretty major step, finally.
I still feel like a bit of a pushover for giving him so many final chances but
I'm really just not ready to leave him yet. I really want to make it through this.
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Posted: Thu Jun 30, 2011 1:24 pm
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Posted: Thu Jun 30, 2011 6:08 pm
Just don't tie yourself to him financially. He may be a great guy but if he isn't being responsible and he wants a relationship he should understand that he's not just inconveniencing himself, he's putting a financial burden on you too if you are supporting him in any way.
I'm more cynical than everyone else here I guess. I don't believe in Mr. Right or anything. If this is the -only- thing that's causing problems than I encourage you to work it out. If it's sort of part of a parcel, consider if the good is really outweighing the bad.
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Posted: Sat Jul 16, 2011 6:15 pm
I'm a little too late to start doling out advice, but what happened kitsy? Did you talk to him? How are things going with you two?
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